I turned to him, blinking, losing my ability to keep up any act. “Arjun, you admitted it yourself weeks ago. I was never first for you. I never will be.”
“That’s not true.”
The night of the car crash with my dad, I understood the truck was about to hit us, the white-hot headlights soaring smoothly toward me like swans gliding into a lake. In the seconds before impact, I remember saying aloud, matter-of-factly: “Oh no.” This moment, the look in Arjun’s eyes, it felt like that. The powerless breath before propulsive force and glass shards. The last moment before a new era is born.
“Luke, I was probably in love with you before I ever met you,” he said quietly. “And I was such a coward, pushing you away, lashing out. I’ve spent months wondering how to make it up to you. At first, I thought having you in my life even a little bit would make me feel better, but it’s worse. Every day just confirms what I’m about to lose,” he finished, a spark dancing in his eyes. “I can’t hide this anymore. The only person I want to be with is you.”
I couldn’t speak, my voice slicing my dry throat. “No, you don’t mean this, not now, not after everything, you’ll never—”
“Do you want me to call my parents on camera right now? That’s how serious I am.” He gripped my shoulders as if fearing I’d somehow blow away. “Watching Barnes today, how he humiliated you… I will not stand by and let you ruin your life.”
“He’s never hurt me like you—”
“I have done awful things to you, but it’s nowhere near what that man will eventually put you through. Whatever you think he’ll give you, I can do more—”
“I… I don’t want your money!” I stammered, mortified, hyperventilating, panic taking hold.
“Luke, I’d never think that. I meanlove. I mean respect and trust. You’re more than some trophy to me. Can he say the same?”
“Let me go, someone will see…” My voice cracked, fear churning through my veins. It was like some part of me knew what was coming.
His forehead pressed into mine, his hands running from my skull to my spine as if calming a horse. “You don’t have to choose me. I won’t even ask you to not choose him, but I am begging you to choose yourself… because right now you aren’t.”
My world had ended more times than I could count. I’d learned apocalypse from my first memories. My mother, my father, football,him… I couldn’t risk it all again, not for him, not when I was so close to something that felt whole, these crumbs I’d cobbled into a life. I refused to lose again. And how dare he taunt me with this future, the fantasy I’d fought to forget? He’d never experienced his entire existence shattering to pieces, not like me.
“Say something, Luke.”
I did. I screamed Barnes’ name. And I ran.
I remember Arjun’s terrified reflection in the sliding glass door as he pursued me, exhausted crew members still loitering when I burst into the living room. Barnes and Imogen emerged from opposite doors, and Barnes rushed to catch me, genuinely stunned. “I can’t do it,” I gasped, reeling. “I won’t keep covering for him. He won’t stop…”
There in my future husband’s arms, I faced the first man I’d ever loved. “You think you can do anything, put your hands on me whenever you want… You’re gay, Arjun.” I stated it baldly, from the pit of my gut. “Deny it all you want, but I’m done lying for you. I don’t love you anymore. I am engaged, and we areover. All I want is for you to finally leave me alone.”
I would never hear Arjun say another word in my presence. Hisshoulders only sank as he inhaled raggedly, his dry eyes drifting away. As quickly as my leg had once been snapped, as swiftly as my heart had once been broken, Arjun Bhaduri irrevocably became a gay man. When he left the room, Imogen came to me, no anger, just grief staining her face. “I’ve got him,” Barnes said firmly. As his voice resonated against my skin, I knew I’d never tell Barnes what had just transpired, the confirmation Arjun claimed to love me as much as he’d always feared. Helena Malloy subtly guided the revived camera teams, swooping in for the close-ups that would supplement the units mounted in the corners. I didn’t see Arjun when he quit the show moments later, but I heard the clatter of his suitcase wheels as he walked out, like the pop of the cheap fireworks my dad would cross the state line to buy in South Carolina when I was young. Mitch would instruct each player to light one before the season began, and he’d say, “Celebrate right now, because you are a winner. Say it:I will win, I will, I will… That’s how you do…”
And that’s how I did. I won so badly I lost everything.
“I can’t hear you. Speak up.”
“He chose me,” I said again. “He said he’d come out, so we could be together.”
Erika stared at me, her face agonizingly blank. “Why didn’t you?”
“I was certain I was in love with someone else.” My voice trembled. “And I was too scared to throw that away.”
“So, when you told Barnes, he made you—”
“I didn’t tell Barnes anything. After all the flirtation, he assumed Arjun finally went too far and I broke down. I’ve never told anyone until you right now.”
“Okay.” She stood, scrutinizing me, every muscle locking tight. “Well, there’s no way around it then, is there? My brother did kill himself because of you.”
I heard a gasp from the PA with the boom, but Zara stood still, the camera unflinching.
“You took the hardest thing he’d ever do and threw it in his face,” Erika said. “You didn’t just bastardize it, you made it worthless. And I’m done making excuses for you.”
“I’ll leave tonight. You’ll never see me again.”
“No.” She grabbed me by the jaw, steering my haggard face into the opaque black circle trained on us. “Look in that camera. Look at my parents, look at yourchildren, and say you will compete to the best of your ability in that final, so I know when I win that I truly beat you. You will not rob me of that. If you want to actually take responsibility for destroying my brother’s life, to say nothing of the past decade of bigotry you allowed the so-called ‘love of your life’ to inflict? Then stay and compete.”
