“Yes, it is… and that’s okay. But I promise this will make a lot of things right.”
“What if Barnes won’t film with you after everything you said?”
“Not Barnes,” I said. “Erika.”
She sat up wearily in her chair, intrigued despite herself. “And why her?”
“With all due respect, nobody can know that before she does.”
The crew was wrapped, but Zara instructed me to meet her at the firepit in fifteen minutes. I retrieved my windbreaker and marched across the wet yard, the brown leather of my shoes bleeding from chestnut to mahogany, as if a coastline were twisting and eroding across my feet in the wake of the recent rain. I was already sweating when they arrived, Zara dutifully behind Erika with a camera on her shoulder and a restless PA following with a boom mic.
“This is very cloak-and-dagger,” Erika said nervously. “What’s up?”
All that was left to do was leap.
44
2005
SEASON 3, EPISODE 10:
“The Book of Luke”
You went too far on the tram today.”
Barnes’ elbow grazed my sweaty chest as he rolled over, the last hour of stifled bunkbed sex having yielded little pleasure for either of us. Now that he had his room to himself, Barnes had tucked sheets around the bunk to block the cameras affixed in the corners, and they billowed as he repositioned. “So I’m getting bitched out? Not the girl who exploited you and the guy who treated you like crap?I’mthe bad guy?” he asked skeptically. “Did you forget cozying up to them was entirely your idea?”
“I guess I didn’t know it would feel like this.”
He snorted ruefully. “Well, I didn’t know I’d come here to watch you moon over Arjun Bhaduri every day, but maybe I should have learned starfucking is your thing by now.”
I parted the makeshift sheet curtain so forcefully it sailed to the ground. I snatched my sweatpants and ratty Dartmouth Football tank, no clue where I was heading. He leapt after me, but I twisted to grab the doorknob. He hugged his pale torso in the light seeping through thecracked door, both of us suspended there like wrestlers before a match. “You know, I look at you the same way he does. The difference is I’m not hiding it,” he finally said. “Go if you’re going.”
I should have stayed. I should have crawled back into bed and taken him in my arms. How uncomplicated would the world be if the rest of that night never happened, if Barnes and I had simply won the season, two reality TV villains beating a hasty exit with Imogen and Arjun both there shaking their fists? Maybe we would have lost the election. Maybe I’d have gone to grad school after all. Maybe Barnes wouldn’t have cheated. Maybe there’s some timeline where our fifteen minutes would have simply expired, the clock running out and real life waiting ahead. Barnes would never be worse than a smirking suburban dad who got snarky after his third cocktail. Imogen would never freeze in the ice of a world she’d long outgrown. I would never forget how to speak, exiled in a doll house I thought protected me. And Arjun would at last become the person I’d prayed to glimpse beyond passing glances and stolen moments.
Instead I barreled outside, not pausing until I reached the dormant hot tub, collapsing onto its cover, the cloudy sky above. He arrived as if I’d called him, hands in the pockets of his hoodie. “How are you not cold?”
“It’s summer, isn’t it?” I sat up.
Arjun draped his hoodie around my bare arms, and somehow this minor gesture felt more adulterous than anything else we’d done. It smelled like him, lavender and sweat.
“Why are you up?”
“I haven’t slept through the night once here.” He reached over, examining my hand. “It looks better this way.”
I didn’t follow, but then I noticed my engagement ring was gone. I gasped, my mind racing, but Arjun reached into his pocket. “It was by the sink in the bathroom. You must have pulled it off before you showered and forgot.” I took it from him but didn’t slip it on, my palm swallowing it. “So it’s that easy?” he asked. “You give someone a ring, and it’s a done deal?”
“That’s the rumor.”
We stared into the trees, the bark and needles of the Alaskan pines collaging into shadow.
“Luke, I’m not happy.”
“It’s the end of the season,” I replied. “No one ever is.”
“It’s not the show. No matter where I am these days, I’m not happy,” he said. “The last time I was happy was in the Caymans.”
I was quiet. He sniffed, something catching in his throat. “Do you ever wonder about the two of us? What it would be like if things were different?”
