She stills. “What?”
The tears are coming faster. Shouldn’t I be tapped out by now? “After the second round of chemo. Marge’s insurance covered some, but not enough. We were in so much debt along with the mortgage. I was scared they were going to take the house.” For once in our lives, we had a home that we owned, and I could not fathom having to leave it. “And you—it’s not your fault—but you were in a bad place. And I panicked and I asked him, and he said yes.”
My mother closes her eyes as if in pain.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I know you never wanted anything from the Newtons after the way Karl treated you. And I get it. The guy is toxic. But even now, even though he works for BBN, Shawn isn’t that way. And I always intended to pay him back. This just gave me time.”
“Oh, Beth. No. No no no.”
“Mom, please. I’m sorry. Shawn isn’t a sweet toddler anymore, but he’s a good guy. Like, thebestguy.”
“Honey.” The endearment is ragged, and she gathers me in for a tight hug. “I’m not upset about the loan. He came to me first. I should’ve said yes then.” She smooths her hand over my hair. “I’m upset because you’ve taken this on yourself.”
“You’re supposed to reduce stress,” I whisper against her neck, wondering if I’ll ever stop crying. “I’d rather worry about this and you stay healthy.”
“I understand that. But I’m your mom. I take care of you. Not the other way around.”
“You did. You have. You worked so hard for so long, and it wasn’t fair.” Over her shoulder I spy the green vines creeping out of her little greenhouse. “I want you to have a chance at your dreams, not worry about a stack of bills.”
“Beth. That’s exactly what I want foryou.”
We’re quiet in our hug, wrapped around each other.
“Shawn won’t let me pay him back,” I admit, the confession pressed against her shoulder.
Mom chuckles. “That’s actually why I said no in the first place. He called it a loan, but I knew. Knew he wouldn’t take a cent.” She settles back in her chair. “I’m a little surprised you didn’t.”
I sigh, wiping my eyes. “Sometimes I wondered, but then everything went down with his ex-fiancée.” I shrug. “I think I got so terrified that he’d cut me off, I couldn’t consider the possibility.”
“Hmm.” She twines her fingers with mine, gripping my hand in a mini hug. “I’m going to talk to him. We’ll figure something out. But this is between your brother and me. Those bills are mine, and they don’t scare me.” Her smile is so peaceful, I start to believe her. “I know I scared you, but I hope you trust that I’m in a much better place now. With therapy and medication, and you and Marge, and this house. Early in your life, I felt like I was scrambling. Now, I feel like I’m settling my roots into firm soil. Like I’ve got room to grow.”
An iron-tight band around my chest eases.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. And it’s time for you to do the same.”
Chapter
40
I am alone.
The realization doesn’t fully hit me until the airplane’s wheels lift off the runway and the airport grows small beneath me.
For the first time in my life, I am alone in an airplane. My fate is entirely in my hands. The only one who can safely return this aircraft to the ground is me.
“Hell,” I mutter. “Fucking hell.” My hands sweat, and the yoke grows slick under my anxious fingers.
But I don’t panic.
“You’ve done this,” I remind myself. “You just did it. You can do it again.”
Tim was happy to give me his flight instructor’s number when I asked, and talking to Aden on the phone, I found him to be as kind as when I first met him months ago at the club BBQ.
To prepare for my first solo flight, I took off and landed the plane multiple times with Aden in the seat beside me. He was there as abackup, staying quiet and not touching anything as I made like I was flying the plane on my own.
To make sure I was ready for this moment.
