Greg did not look impressed, and he picked Ozzie up by the back of his coat, lifting him off the ground. “Ew.”
“Put me down! Put me down right now, you fucking piece of space junk!” Ozzie thrashed, clawing at the hand holding his jacket but unable to twist around to reach. “Tuesday! Babe! Are you okay?”
“Great… So great. I love being fisted,” Tuesday croaked weakly, groaning in pain as Greg pulled his hand back out. “Ow, fuck!”
“Quiet now, gorgeous.” Greg was now holding a small silver ball. “You stole my inter-dimensional portal generator and didn’t think I’d be able to use it to track you?” He clicked his tongue. “Shame on you, gorgeous. So pretty, but so, so stupid.”
“Leave Tuesday alone! You fucker! Tuesday!” Ozzie turned his attention to the giant hole in Tuesday’s chest, watching as it filled up with pink goo. “Baby? Baby, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, baby! I’m okay!” Tuesday glared furiously at Greg. “Hey, put him down. Right now, or?—”
Greg dropped Ozzie. “There. Happy? Now.” He gestured for Tuesday to approach. “Let’s get out of here, hmm? We can watch the planet implode from the ship.”
Ozzie fell to the patio with a thump, his breath knocked right out of his lungs. “You’re not… taking him… anywhere!” He scrambled to his feet, his back aching as he gasped for air. “He’s not yours! He’s not leaving with you, and nobody is imploding anything! Why don’t you choke on some eggnog and then fuck off back to whatever planet you came from?”
“Is this what you’ve been amusing yourself with?” Greg grimaced at Ozzie. “It’s so…fleshy.”
“I like him fleshy!” Tuesday snapped defiantly. “Now, in case you missed it, I dumped you. I left you. I fucking hate you?—”
“We can discuss it later. Please, gorgeous. Not in front of the fleshy lower life forms.”
Ozzie looked between them, grimacing. “Can we stop sayingfleshy? It makes me feel weird.”
Tuesday pouted. “Aw, but baby, I love your fleshy stuff and?—”
“Enough!” Greg grabbed Tuesday’s arm and pulled hard, the silver ball wobbling in his hand.
Ozzie’s focus zeroed in on the ball.
The device, the intergalactic what-the-fuck-ever it was, seemed very important to that creepy bastard.
A plan instantly formed in Ozzie’s mind—maybe not a great one, but it was a plan all the same—and Ozzie launched into action before he had a chance to chicken out. He dove for Greg, slamming into him and snatching the ball right out of his hand.
“Ozzie!” Tuesday yelped.
“Got your ball!” Ozzie took off into the house, glass crunching under his feet as he darted inside. “Fuck, fuck, fuck?—”
“Come back here, you fleshy little... flesh... thing!” Greg snarled furiously, charging after Ozzie and cramming himself through the narrow doorway. “Give that back right now!”
“Help! Need help!” Ozzie shrieked.
Derrick was trying to calm a very frantic Samantha and Felicity while an equally frazzled Racquel cradled them close. His head snapped back, staring in horror at Ozzie with Greg right behind him. “Uh. Dude. What is going on?”
“Derrick!” Ozzie shouted. “There’s a giant bug, dragon, fucker, somethingabout to come in here. Looks like Mushu! But evil! Weapons! We need weapons! Give me a fucking hand!”
“What, what?” Derrick shoved Racquel and the children toward the kitchen. “Shit, shit shitting shit! Go! Get out of here! Take the girls and go!”
“Sweetie!” Racquel protested for a moment, but then she saw Greg too and screamed. “Holy fucking shi?—”
“Language!” Granny scolded as she hurried over, steering Racquel and the children to the kitchen behind her. She had a baseball bat, a golf club, and a giant plastic candy cane. She saw Tuesday and Greg struggling outside, and her eyes bugged out. “Holyfuck.”
Ozzie couldn’t stop the manic laugh that escaped as he took the candy cane from Granny. “So, guys, uh, this is Tuesday’s ex. He’s an asshole. Sorry, Granny.”
Tuesday had morphed his arms into long tentacles, clearly no longer concerned with keeping a human shape, and he struggled with Greg to pull him out of the doorway. “Leave them alone, you?—”
Greg flung Tuesday away like a booger, and Tuesday’s body made a particularsploshsound as it hit the patio. Greg crawled farther into the house, his long body slithering forward as he roared, “Give me back my device! Now!”
Granny strode boldly forward, the golf club raised above her head.
