Love,
Jensen
I set the letter down and let my lungs fill with a giant breath of air. Then I pull it back, reading the line again.
If there’s even the smallest part of you that still loves me… that still wonders…
Baby, I’ll be here.
I’ll catch you this time. I swear.
I sit there, crying. Staring. Wanting to run into his arms and let him hold me. To fix this. Fix all the parts of us that are broken.
All these months I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been able to move on. And it’s because of this.
Because I’m married to Jensen Adams. I’m married to a man who would hang the moon for me. Who loves me so hard, it nearly killed him trying to get better for me. The kind of man who would put me first, no matter what.
But only when he’s clean.
That’s the part that stops me.
Every. Time.
I get close, and then the fear of relapse whispers in my ear.
But when has loving someone ever been about certainty? When has taking the leap of falling in love, or getting married, ever guaranteed anything? God, tomorrow isn’t even a guarantee. Each day, we all walk around like we have forever, when in reality, we could be gone tomorrow.
And there it is.
My answer.
I don’t want a today if there’s no Jensen in my tomorrow.
I’ve already had six months of them, and it’s been miserable.
The sound of my own tears pulls me back to the present. An acute awareness settles, and a calm washes over me. I shift into reverse, ease the car out, and head for the exit.
As I approach, I turn the wheel and circle back to the spot I was in before. The one closer to the elevator.
Just make a choice,Cooper said.You won’t find peace until you do. You’ll know if it’s right.
Maybe that’s why I haven’t felt at peace.
Because leaving Jensen was the wrong choice. Because no matter how far I run, I’ll never stop wanting him. Never stop wondering what would’ve happened if I’d stayed.
What do I even have to lose at this point? Jensen? Time?
I was already losing him. God, I already did.
And when I did, all I wanted was to find him again. To get him back.
And what’s time anyway, if I don’t get to spend it with the one person I want to?
Shit. Here goes nothing.
I throw the car into park and shove the door open, practically tumbling out. I don’t think. Don’t stop to grab my purse.
I just run to the elevator.
