Her brows scrunch.
“That’s where things went wrong. We were on the same team, but I was playing my own game. I was a selfish teammate. When I needed help, I kept the ball, thinking I could score if I just ran faster. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.”
She smiles. “A football analogy?”
I laugh. “Always.” My hand drops to her shoulder, fingers trailing down her arm, brushing her smooth skin. “I won’t play that way again. We’re in this together. I want you in every part of my life. I’ll share the hard stuff. I’ll let you be there for me. And I’ll be there for you.” I kiss her forehead. “But you’ve got to do the same. And right now is one of those times. You can trust me with this, babe. I can handle it.”
Her eyes search mine, the faintest smile tugging at her lips before it slips away. “Alright. I can do that.” She exhales, shakier this time. “I’m scared—like, really, really scared—to have kids with you after everything. And that—” Her voice breaks, and a sob rips out, gutting me, shattering something deep in my chest. “That used to be what I looked forward to most. Because I know you’ll be such a great dad. But now the possibility of relapse hangs over that dream, casting a shadow I can’t seem to shake. I just can’t see it. I can’t get past these images I have of you… and then these innocent kids caught in it.” Her hand slips from mine as she wipes at her tears. “I keep seeing my dad when I was growing up, but now it’s you. And it terrifies me.”
The words hang like a loaded gun between us. Heavy. Unforgiving.
I want kids more than anything. Always have. But I want them with her. I’ve been wanting to bring it up, to talk about it, but the timing’s never felt right. She’s been too fragile, too uncertain.
We haven’t exactly been careful, either. Alley’s struggled to get pregnant before, and I think she just assumes she can’t.Sometimes I catch myself praying she’ll get pregnant, while at the same time praying she won’t. Because yeah, I want that, but not until she’s ready. I don’t want her to feel stuck with me. I want her to choose me. To trust me enough to say,Okay, let’s do this. Let’s start a family.
We’re close. I can feel it. Tonight’s been a huge step, but this? This is the hurdle I don’t know how to clear. I’m just glad she made that therapy appointment, that we’re still seeing Sophie. That someone can help us figure out all these unknowns.
“It’s okay you feel that way,” I finally say. “Understandable, even.”
Her fingers toy with mine. “I know. It just… sucks. Makes it so hard.”
“It does suck,” I agree quietly. “And it is hard. But anything worth having usually is.” I swallow, the words catching. “And this—us, our future—that’s worth it. We can’t change the past. All we can do is decide how bad we want it. And I want it, babe. We’re going to make an incredible family someday. We’re doing the work. We just have to take it one day at a time.” My thumb brushes over her knuckles. “Everything else will fall into place if we keep showing up. Be present. Enjoy today. Enjoy each other.”
Her eyes are wet, but a smile curves her mouth. “I want that. More than anything.”
“Then let’s get it, baby.” I crash my mouth to hers, letting this kiss say everything I can’t.
My lips slide against hers as I roll onto my elbow, leaning over her. Her arms lock tight around my neck, and the next kiss is firmer, hungrier.
“You’re so amazing,” she whispers into my mouth. “I fucking love you.”
A low chuckle rumbles out of me. I love when Alley says fuck. It’s rare, vulnerable, real—and it wrecks me every time.
I pull her closer, voice deep and rough. “I fucking love you too.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
ALLEY
I grabmy toiletry bag and stuff it into my suitcase. I got home from my first hypnotherapy session about thirty minutes ago. My eyes are still red from crying. The moment I closed them, it felt like someone cracked open a vault I’d been keeping sealed for months, and everything came pouring out. I cried through nearly the whole thing. It was raw and vulnerable, but when I walked out, I felt lighter. Like I’d finally dropped a weighted vest I didn’t even realize I’d been carrying. I can’t wait to tell Jensen about it. I’ve already got another appointment set two weeks from now.
He’s flying in tonight. He’ll work in the Chicago office Thursday and Friday so we can go to dinner at Michael’s tomorrow. I’m getting ready for another long weekend at Matt’s. And honestly? It’s getting old. All the back-and-forth, and living out of a suitcase. It’s not just New York I pack for—I have to pack for here too. Leo keeps assuring me Jensen can stay here, and maybe I would take him up on it if we didn’t have an entire condo available to us. But it’s a no-brainer. We have Matt’s all to ourselves. But still, I’m over it.
I zip my luggage shut just as my phone dings.
Jensen
How was the appointment, babe?
It was good. Different... but so good. Can’t wait to tell you all about it. You at the airport?
Jensen
Yeah. Can’t wait to see you. I was looking at houses today when I was bored. Found this.
He sends me a link for a house.
We haven’t talked about our living situation in weeks. Jensen mentioned it in the beginning, but everything was still so new, I couldn’t commit. And now… I don’t even know where I want to live.
