Meanwhile, I feel like I just took a punch to the face.
Sophie’s gaze turns to me again. “Jensen, it looks like you might have some thoughts about this. Do you mind sharing what you’re thinking after hearing that?”
My mouth opens, then closes. I don’t know where to start. I look at Alley, but she won’t meet my eyes. “I do know that,” I say finally, my voice rough. “And I know it’s unfair. God, itkillsme.” I press my fingers to my forehead, rubbing. “But I promise you, I know exactly how bad I fucked up.”
I run a hand over my face. “I try to make it right. Every day. I’m trying to be better. To show you I’ve changed. And I swear to God, every week, I remember something new. Some moment I hadn’t thought about. Some awful thing I said. Some night I locked the door. Some time you cried and I didn’t even notice.” My throat tightens as my gaze shifts to Alley. “God. The night I let you walk out the door because I was too concerned about my stash? My fucking backpack? Jesus. I was so messed up.”
Sophie leans forward slightly. “I can hear how much that still weighs on you, Jensen.”
Alley shifts in her seat, arms crossing over her chest. Her eyes flick to me briefly before darting away again. They’re red and wet, and I wish I could go back in time. Take it all back. Choose differently. Erase the hurt I caused her.
My lips tremble. “And every time a memory hits, it fucks with me in the worst way. Because you lived it. And I just… forgot. Or numbed it. Or wasn’t coherent enough to realize the shit I was doing. And I hate that, Al. I hate that you remember everything. That it haunts you. But it haunts me too, just in a different way.”
I suck in a long breath. “Like last weekend? When I found you in the closet?”Fuck.My eyes sting just thinking about it, but I keep them on her, the image burned into my head. “Words can’t describe what I felt in that moment, watching you. Jesus Christ. The fear in your eyes. The way you were… It’s like you were scared of me.” I shake my head, trying to regain an ounce ofcontrol. “I can’t imagine what you were feeling in that moment. But you’ll never know what it feels like to be the one who put it there. To be the one you don’t trust. The one who broke it all.” I rake a hand through my hair, gripping it at the back. My voice catches. “God, I love you so much, and I broke you. That light that used to shine in your eyes—I dimmed it. I sucked the joy out of life. Out of everything. And I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, babe.”
Her hand reaches for mine.Sheholdsmyhand. Yeah. She’s that fucking great.
How I have her in my life, I’ll never understand. I know I don’t deserve her. She’s so good. So pure. Deserves the very best. Better than me. But I’m too selfish to let her go.
This whole time she’s been carrying all of it alone. The anger. The grief. The fear. I told myself we were okay, that we were making progress, but she was just trying to survive and holding it all in. She didn’t trust me with the truth because I hadn’t earned it. She’s been protecting me and my feelings. And I didn’t even know it.
The room is quiet now. Just the faint hum of the white noise machine and the sound of us sniffling. Sophie’s eyes move between us, like she’s taking a mental inventory of what just happened.
“Okay,” she says softly. Her voice is so soothing, so grounding. It almost makes me forget the last five minutes of me unraveling and confessing shit I’ve never said out loud to anyone but Nina. “Thank you, Jensen. That was really honest, and really important. Alley, is there anything you’d like to say in response? No pressure. Only if you want to.”
Alley finally turns to me, her hand tightening around mine. She blinks a few times before meeting my eyes. And fuck… in that moment, it’s all there. The history. The pain. The part of her that still loves me, even when she probably wishes she didn’t.
I hold her gaze, humbled, imperfect, and so goddamn devoted to her.
“Thank you,” she says, her voice raw. “For being here. For owning your shit.” Her chin quivers and her shoulders shake as she inhales. “For fighting for me.”
My chest constricts, that overwhelming need for her hitting so hard I don’t even care that we’re in therapy. I cup the back of her head and pull her in, kissing her with renewed conviction. Claiming her all over again. “I love you,” I murmur against her salted lips.
When I sit back, Sophie’s smiling. “This is good. You both showed up today. You were honest, you listened, and you let each other see what’s underneath the surface. That’s big. For next time, I’d like you each to think about one moment from what came up today that you want to go deeper into. And between now and then… try talking about one hard thing. Not all of them, just one. Be vulnerable and honest.”
She clicks through her calendar, setting us up for a Zoom session next weekend.
Alley doesn’t smile. Doesn’t say much. But she looks lighter. Happier. A little more at peace.
I feel hopeful. Like maybe we really can get through anything. Jesus, look at us. We’ve been to hell and back, walked through fire, and we’re still standing. We’re not done. Not even close. And every time we face something this hard, we come out the other side a little stronger.
I don’t know about Alley, but for me? I love her more now than I ever have in my life.
Chapter Thirty-Two
JENSEN
We’reon night two in the Berkshires, gathered around the oversized dining table. Alley and I got in late last night. She had to work yesterday, so she caught a six p.m. flight from Chicago, and I picked her up at ten. We drove straight here and didn’t roll in until close to one in the morning.
Early 2000s hip-hop pulses through the built-in speakers, and all my siblings are already well on their way to drunk.
Megan stands at the head of the table, pouring herself a generous glass of wine. “Okay, classic rules. Everyone has five five-dollar bills. When it’s your turn, say something you’ve never done. If youhavedone it, throw a five in the middle. You’re out when your money’s gone. Winner takes the pot.”
Alley laughs beside me. “Bets on Matt being out first?”
Matt cocks a brow, grinning. “Hey, this is one game I’ll proudly lose. Just means I’ve lived.”
“We all know who’s going to win.” Megan smirks, eyes sliding straight to Alley.
