My heart nearly broke at the thought. Was that any way to bring a child into the world?
I pictured David as a father, teaching his kid to surf or snowboard. I thought of the way he handled the things he loved and how his face somehow conveyed gravity, focus,andhappiness when he played with Alex.
Fuck. I couldn’t take fatherhood away from him.
And I couldn’t picture myself as a mother.
I’d never felt particularly warm toward children, but everyone said I’d feel differently about my own. That was a huge and irreversible chance to take when my heart told me otherwise. Not that I wouldn’t love and care for my own, but that ultimately, my life wasn’t meant to include them.
I jogged by a stroller-pushing woman in athletic wear who’d stopped mid-run to comfort her crying baby. A pit formed in my stomach. She wasn’t me. I wasn’t her. Maybe I’d change my mind one day, but I hadn’t with Bill, and the thought of entering a relationship with that kind of pressure again . . . I wouldn’t do it.
Being a mom wasn’t in the cards for me.
But David—I’d never find a love like his again. And I never wanted to.
So the question was, could I do it for David? Was there anything I wouldn’t do, wouldn’t give up for him?
David texted me that Brian would let us stay another night, and I agreed. He was still gone when I returned from my workout, so I treated myself to a long shower. As I washed my sweat away, I let myself think momentarily of traveling the world on his arm. Writing, eating, fucking, sleeping . . . no rude boss to answer to, no judgmental friends or family, no children stealing our attention from each other. Just the two of us living the dream . . .
But is that all it is? A dream?
David had given me so many invaluable things, including his trust. I not only owed him my honesty—I wanted to give it to him. My instinct was still to run, hide, and retreat—that wouldn’t change overnight. But I had deeper, stronger reasons to share with him. Once I found the courage to do it.
I changed into a striped sundress and went downstairs to find that the sun had come out and chased the clouds away. Gretchen and I walked into town and had lunch until it was time for her to catch her flight. I called her a taxi, and just as she was loading her luggage, David and Brian jogged up with their surfboards.
“See you guys back in Chi-town,” she called, laughing as she waved.
“Gretchen—” Brian started, but paused when Kat appeared on the porch. “Uh. Just have a nice flight.”
“Thanks,” she said with a large smile. Even with her hair tossed in a ponytail and in less makeup than I’d ever seen, she looked stunning. Brian watched until her taxi turned a corner and disappeared.
David put his hands on my shoulders. “You’re a beautiful thing to come back to,” he said, and I turned my head for a kiss before he added, “I like this dress.”
“Indeed, Liv,” Brian said. “It’s quite fetching.”
David shot him a glare, and I grinned. “Did you guys have a nice surf?”
“Excellent,” David said. “Waves were much better this afternoon. Did you eat?”
I nodded. “Gretch and I went to lunch.”
“Good. I’m going to rinse off and drive these two to the airport.”
As he did that, and Brian and Kat packed, I sat on the porch with a book. After a while, Brian came out, freshly showered and dressed in a t-shirt and shorts. He sat down in the rocking chair next to mine, glanced over his shoulder quickly, and then back at me. “I had a great time this weekend.”
“Me, too.”
“No. I had agreattime, Liv. Call me crazy, but . . .” He scrubbed a hand through his damp blond hair. “I think I’m going to take my chances and ask Gretchen on another date.”
I closed the book and looked him over and tried to look surprised. “Really? What changed?”
“She puts up this shield, right?” he said, growing animated. “But when it comes down, she’s lovely. Kind, smart, and a little bit goofy, too. I never dreamed she was so goofy.”
I laughed. “Greg’s the reason for the shield. When they met, she changed for him—started wearing her hair differently, tried different diets, dressed up all the time. But when he left? That’s when somethinginsideher changed. I’m afraid that after this time, she’ll have trouble trusting again.”
“Then I have my work cut out for me,” he said. “But I have a feeling she’ll be worth it. I want to see more of the girl in the glasses.”
I smiled, but it quickly turned to a frown. “I think you’d better take care of the situation here first,” I said, jerking my thumb toward the house.
