She hesitated. “I mean, I guess he’s notgross. There was this brief moment where I thought he might kiss me, but he didn’t. And I was kind of disappointed.”
“Wow. Strange how one weekend can change everything,” I muttered.
“Yup.” She sighed. “I’m hoping this rain burns off so we can hit the beach before we leave.”
“David and I are thinking of staying another night,” I said. “Actually, I came to ask if I can borrow some sneakers. I’m going for a walk.”
“Like a stroll?”
“No,” I said. “Like a walk. Maybe even a run.”
She raised her eyebrows at me. “You don’t run.Unlesssomething’s really bothering you. I remember from living with you.”
“Yeah.” I scratched the tip of my nose. “It helps me sort through everything. And before you asked, I don’t really want to talk about it.”
She got up from the bed and went to the closet. “Is it about David?” she asked.
“Yes.”
She held out a pair of sneakers. “Is it bad?”
I accepted them with a sigh. “Yes.”
“How bad?”
I shook my head, rolling my lips together. “I don’t know yet.”
“Look, if there’s one thing Greg’s idiocy has taught me, it’s that communication is key.” She opened her suitcase and pushed some things around. “Just talk to David. He loves you so much.”
“I don’t know if that’s enough this time,” I said, picking at the bedspread. “This might be the one thing David can’t fix.”
“Ah.” Absentmindedly, she picked out a pair of athletic socks, then glanced over at me. “Is this about what he said on the beach yesterday? About wanting to teach his kid to surf?”
It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. Gretchen knew about my struggles with getting Bill to see I wasn’t ready and may never be. “Yeah,” I said. “David wants it all. He’s ready to start on the house. He’s already said he wants to marry me. But we haven’t talked about what comes after that.”
“For once, I don’t really know what to tell you. Just that you need to talk to him. He can’t help if he doesn’t know what you want.”
“Idon’t know what I want, Gretchen.” Except, that wasn’t entirely true. Maybe I already knew the answer, but I was too scared to admit it to myself.
She handed me the socks. “This is going to be one hell of a run.”
I headed out into the humidity, tightened my ponytail, and looked up at the gray sky, requesting that it wait until I’d finished to open up again.
My mind instantly replayed the morning.
Quit my job. Travel the world. Marriage. Children.
It was more than a girl could ask for. Was I a fool to question everything David offered me?
I wondered if he’d meant to propose. It’d happened so suddenly. Despite knowing he’d want that one day, it hadn’t occurred to me that he was already there. Then again, maybe he hadn’t known he was, either. He’d said it had just come out.
Surely, he’d thought about having a family. Had I given him the impression that I wanted children? Was it on me to admit that outright, from the start—when we hadn’t evenhada start? Or was he to blame if he’d just assumed I’d want kids?
Did David know that Bill and I had argued about that over and over? Howcouldhe know that? Had I never told him?
I picked up my pace as my thoughts came faster and heavier. All my arguments with Bill washed over me. I couldn’t ensure the shame again—of not wanting what I was supposed to. Of doubting myself and my role as a woman. Of disappointing a man I’d promised to make a life with.
Could I do it? Could I make the decision to keep my doubts to myself and have a baby if the alternative was losing David?
