16
Ryan
“Ahab is forever Ahab, man. This whole act’s immutably decreed.”
“Why, hello there, Captain Morgan,” Henn says, answering my phone call. “How’s it going, sir?”
“Hey, Henn Star. Great. Good. Couldn’t be better. How are you?”
“Well, let’s just say if I were a superhero in a comic strip, my name would be ‘Captain I’m-So-Fucking-Awesome!’”
I chuckle. “That’s great, Henn.”
“So, I take it you’re calling because you’re losing your fucking mind about Samantha?”
“How’d you know?”
“Well, first off, you sound like the Energizer Bunny on crack right now. And, second off—wait, you’re not on crack, are you?”
“No. I’m currently high on Enrique Iglesias and nothing else.”
“Oh, good choice. Love that guy. And, second off, when I met you at the Climb & Conquer party, you looked like a man on the verge of a nervous breakdown back then, so I can only imagine how perilously close to the edge of the cliff of insanity you’re teetering a full four weeks later.”
“Actually, it’s beensixweeks since the grand opening party, not four. But who’s counting? And I’m not teetering ‘perilously close’ to the edge of the cliff of insanity, I’m dangling over it, holding onto a root in the ground by my little pinky.”
“Holy shit, it’s beensixweeks since the party? Wow, time flies. I’m sorry, man, I got super busy with a bunch of big projects for the feds. Plus, right after the party, I stopped everything to help Josh with his proposal to Kat.”
“You helped Josh with his proposal? Kat didn’t tell me that. All she said was the proposal was ‘an amazing porno-fairytale.’”
Henn laughs. “I wasn’t there—I worked my magic behind the scenes. Plus, besides all that, Hannah finally moved to L.A., so I’ve been having fun with her. Fun fact: when your amazing girlfriend finally lives in the same city with you, working twenty hours a day doesn’t seem nearly as exciting as it used to.”
“Amen to that. I’m happy for you, brother.”
“Yeah, thanks, but your happiness for me isn’t keeping you from going batshit crazy, is it?”
“Not at all.”
“You’re completely obsessed, aren’t you?”
“I prefer to call it ‘hyper-focused.’”
“Yeah, that’s what all madmen call it.”
We both laugh.
“How bad is it?” Henn asks.
“Well, let’s see if this story encapsulates my current state of mind for you: I’m currently on a dinner date with a smokin’ hot woman in a little black dress with perfect breasts who, not five minutes ago, told me she wants to touch a tattoo currently covered by my shirt—and then added she wants to touch it ‘any time’; and, right after she said all that, I bolted from the table to call you because I can’t stand the thought of touching any woman other than Samantha.”
“Wow. Your pecker’s holding out for Samantha.”
“Stubborn little prick,” I say.
“Idealisticlittle prick.”
“Dude, I don’t want anyone but her. It’s torture.”
“That’s so cool,” Henn says.
