I opened the drain and got out of the tub, letting myself stare in the mirror this time. Okay . Let’s see what I looked like. Fourmonths in that place. What had they done to me? Jer had said I had lost a lot of weight and he might be right. I’d need to get on a scale to see how much. Maybe it was fashionable, but it didn’t feel pretty on me. I had never seen my ribs before. Okay. My hair was gone. And it was ridiculous to get teary over it, except that I did. I ran a hand over my red fuzz. It would grow back. It would. But the scars on my body were evident. Lashes. Lifted skin. Red marks, some fading, some not. And some bruises that looked newer. They were green and purple.
All right, it was bad. I’d wanted to see how bad and here it was. I grabbed a towel from one of the drawers and wrapped myself in it. I would make looking in the mirror something I did as little as possible for a while. At least until my hair had filled in.
I could do this. I survived. It was what I did.
6
It was nice to be in my own pajamas. I’d been wearing them in the hospital, but this was nicer. Or maybe the sheets were nicer. One thing could be said about the Lents—actually many things could be said about the Lents—but one additional thing was that they never skimped on their sheets. They were always soft and cozy. The pillows were too. Was this Rosalind who did this? Or had they hired some kind of service?
I dug my face into the pillow. I’d turned off the lights, leaving the curtains open in the room, and the door cracked so they knew they could come in.
I heard it open slightly and then close again. On soft feet, Julian entered. “I managed to be first?” He closed the door to the bathroom. That was smart. If Barrett went in there to pee, we wouldn’t hear him or even notice him closing the door.
Jules climbed into bed next to me. He was shirtless in sweatpants. I would bet they were the gray ones. Unless he’d gotten new ones in the last four months.
“Oh, the strawberry shorts and tank pajamas. They’re a favorite for me.” He drew me to him, and I listened to his heartbeat.
“I didn’t know you had favorites.”
His laugh was small. “They’re all favorites.” He smelled clean. In addition to finishing his work, he had showered. “I’ll close the curtain.” When he would have moved, I put a hand on him to stop him. “I… I seem to want curtains open. Maybe it’s an ‘I don’t want to feel closed in thing?’”
He settled back down. “That’s fine. We have to get up anyway. You have an appointment at the clinic. I’ll be awake. It won’t matter that the sun will shine right in.”
Maybe that would matter on a day that we could actually sleep in. Since he had sort of brought up the subject , I had to ask. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”
“A lot on my mind.” He kissed my head. I knew how shaved down it was now and internally I shuddered at the thought.
I ran my hand over his chest, feeling his muscles beneath my fingertips. They still jumped at my touch, even though I looked the way I did. “I love you, Julian.” There, I had said it. Not drugged, not sick, not terrified. I’d just said it as though it was normal to do so and something to be sought after. It was a big step for me. “You can tell me what’s on your mind.”
“Oh, Alatheia, I love you, too.” He moved until his head was on top of mine. I could feel him breathe on my skin. I didn’t stop what I was doing. It was soothing to me and maybe he liked it too. Jules wasn’t shy. He’d tell me if he didn’t.
Finally, he spoke again. “They took my brother. The generic ‘they,’ because we still don’t fucking know—even though whoever they are is sharing a zip code right now with us. He came back broken. He’s trying to fix himself. It’s new, and he’s trying, but… they broke him. Whoever he would have been if it never happened is gone. Or buried so deep I don’t know if he’ll ever find it again.
“And then they—and this time I know who they are—took my girl. My Baby. And for four months, I’ve been terrified you’dbe gone. That they would’ve broken you too. That you wouldn’t want this crazy with me anymore. Because I know it’s a lot. And you have to choose this—choose me—instead of some normal life. A life no one deserves more than you.”
I heard him swallow, and then he spoke again. “And now your life is at risk. Or it always was only now we know. And…” His voice trailed off.
“And?” I knew he wasn’t done.
“I kind of hate that I have to spend time doing spreadsheets for Stephen’s businesses instead of writing. It’s a small thing. But it bugs me.”
I shook my head. “You are an artist. It’s hard. Barrett is suffering from not helping make music. You two are the same that way. Trying to shove a square into a circle hurts. I get that.” The other things were harder. “I’m probably broken. So broken I can’t see it. But I still want you, want this. Even if I’m back to doubting because it’s my default setting. The rest of it? I’m so sorry you have to keep living through this happening around you and feeling powerless to do anything about it.”
He kissed me gently on the lips, which meant he had to move both of us onto our sides but that was more than fine, and I kissed him back. It was so lovely to be in the dark with Julian. Such a fucking gift. I stroked the back of his hair, and he did the same over the fuzz on the back of my head. We stared at each other in the dark, not speaking.
I saw it when his eyes started to close. He fought it.Oh, Julian, I wanted to whisper,why are you fighting it?But he eventually gave in. Maybe it was exhaustion, or maybe it was having me next to him that finally let him feel some semblance that things were righting themselves. Maybe both.
I knew he was really out when he rolled onto his back. Generally, that was how Jules slept. He dragged me up against his side. Yes, this was his “Julian was asleep” mode. The snoringI was used to from him started too. I smiled. I’d listened to nineteen other girls breathe in their sleep for four months. This was so much better. This was Julian. And it would be fine if Jeremy crawled in and started snoring too. I’d missed it so much.
The door opened and closed. I managed to lift my head to look. It was Barrett. He crawled in next to me on the other side, rolling onto his side to be tucked in right against my back. When he was settled, he kissed my shoulder.
I sighed. Yes, perfect. “He’s out.” He spoke in a low voice, almost a whisper.
I nodded. Yes, he was.
“Good.” Barrett put his head on my shoulder and gave out an audible sigh before I felt his body vibrate. A second later he was quiet. Had he just conked right out?
I wished I could. I was with them. This was home. What was the matter with me?
