I walked over to the window and stared outside. I wanted to love it here, except I knew there was an element to this place that wasn’t to be trusted, not for me, not the guys. Period. End of story.
Julian cleared his throat. “No pressure. I mean none, whatsoever, but can I stay with you tonight? Totally fine if you want some space.”
“You can stay. I would really like that.” I had missed it. Them with me. “All of you can stay tonight if you want. Why don’t weassume I always want that, and I’ll say no if I don’t? Like the assumption is yes?”
I really didn’t want them asking every night. That felt really awful, actually.
He nodded. “Okay. Listen, the rooms we’re in are Barrett next to you. Jer next to him. I’m on your other side, but we don’t share a bathroom, and Phoenix is next to me. Just in case you need to know that.” He ran a hand through his hair. “It’s been a long day.”
I smiled. “Are there days that aren’t long?”
“Yes, a lot of them. Days when I wish we had extra hours so we could be together. My birthday for example. I could have used six more hours in that day. Twelve. One hundred.” He shook his head. “Your point, however, is taken. Are you hungry? You threw up all that terrible steak.”
I laughed. He wasn’t trying to be funny. Except he totally was without meaning to be, which somehow made it funnier. “No, I can’t think about food right now. Sounds awful.”
“Okay. Then why don’t you take a bath. There’s a big tub in that bathroom. Relax. I’ll come in in a little bit. We aren’t off the hook from work, so to speak. Given that we’ve all decided to take a break from school, we’ve been assigned jobs to do with the fathers so we can be productive. Well, except Phoenix.” He smiled. “He’s doing a different kind of work, the kind that keeps him clean. Although he is hacking tonight. So, anyway. I have to get my daily Stephen assignment done. My suggestion that I could simply be allowed to write did not fly. They support that dream but suggested I also had to support myself.”
I shook my head. “You have a lot of money in a trust fund.”
“Yes, but Lents work.” He smiled. “We aren’t sit-around trust fund people. I feel that in my bones. So I have to sell the play. Or get it made somehow by someone other than me. If I can dothat, they’ll back off because it will seem more career-y and less hobbyish.”
I took a step toward him. “They can’t have read the play. Then they would know this is talent not a fictionalized dream.”
“I love how you see me.” He gave me a small smile. “I’ve missed your eyes on me so much. Go relax. I’m going to finish my spreadsheet, and then I can come lie with you in bed. I may not sleep much. I don’t right now. But I want to be close. Save me a side if one of them finishes earlier?”
They had always been really good about giving Phoenix a side with me when he had been so needy. Right now, it felt like Jules was maybe the person needing that assigned space. Not that I considered sleeping with me to be such a privilege, but they did and that really was what mattered to them.
“It’s yours.”
He smiled. “So, obviously don’t take a bath if you don’t want to. I’m not trying to order you to do anything.”
I grinned. “Go. It’s fine. Yes, I want a bath. I haven’t had a soak in a tub in a long time.”
I closed the door behind him. One thing about this being my room—which blew me away—was that I could actually strip in it without worrying that I was going to interrupt whatever Barrett was doing. I didn’t have to be locked in the bathroom. But for that second I just looked around, opening my closet and the drawers. They had really brought all of my stuff—which included basically my clothes and toiletries since I didn’t really have anything else—here. The library book—We Have Always Lived in the Castle—that I had been reading before I had to go was here too. Wow. The fees were going to be huge. And my computer was on a small desk in the corner with their granny’s journals.
I was home. I wiped at my eyes. I guessed home just meant wherever my stuff was, wherever they were, and wherever I was welcome right now.
I ended up undressing and sticking my stuff in the laundry basket by the bathroom. I placed my knit cap on the dresser, I’d been holding it the whole time, and stepped into the bathroom. I shared it with Barrett so that meant that actually I had to be careful of privacy in here. Quickly, because I was already fully naked and not ready to deal with anything about that right then, I locked his door from the inside. I hoped he wasn’t going to have to pee. Maybe I should have asked him if this was okay, first.
But then again this was Barrett. If I asked him, he’d say of course, stop what he was doing, and draw me a bath. I didn’t want to be that level of needy. At least not right that second.
I’d start with just thinking it was okay to lock him out for a little bit. There were other bathrooms. He could use one of those.
I would do that for him if he needed a moment.
I put the water on and looked at my surroundings. It was a very nice bathroom. Big. At least compared to the one I’d been using in Manhattan, which had been small, but then everything was slightly downsized there for space issues, even in big apartments.
It was pitch-black outside, so I didn’t bother to shut the curtains. Of course, not doing so might be a stupid way to pick up a stalker who liked to stare at beat-up girls with scars all over them. I shook my head. Catastrophizing wasn’t going to help anything. The sound of the tub running helped bring me back to the now. I could shut the curtains if I was worried but decided instead to leave them. A small act of rebellion against my anxiety.
There was a white vanity to my left; it had a marble countertop that was clean and spotless. They must have a maid here too unless one of them had taken to cleaning. A simplemirror hung above it, and below it was the sink and soap dispenser and toothbrush holder. There were two toothbrushes in it. One was blue, one was pink. I was going to assume the pink one was mine. That had Barrett written all over it: he’d want to make sure I knew it was mine right off. I smiled at that touch. A towel rested on a ring beside the mirror.
I could see the renovation shows now if they came in here. They’d want two sinks, two vanities. It was fine by me to share. Intimate, sort of.
The water was high enough that I got into it and lay back, my head leaning against the frame of the tub. Yes, the hot water was awesome. It pushed my thoughts away and left me sort of in a state of nothingness. Maybe I should be worried about that except I would gladly take it over the mental gymnastics I’d been doing lately in my own head. Just quiet.
I breathed. I’d avoided the mirror when I got in the tub but after about ten minutes in the water, when the peace fled because there was only so long I could go without thinking—I was just built that way—I realized I should probably get a look at myself. I sighed. It had been nice for a few minutes. If there was a chance, I was going to buy some bath bombs to make the room smell perfumy. I had two hundred and fifty million dollars waiting for me. I could pay the guys back.
That thought made me sit up. Oh I liked that so much better. I hated being so constantly needy. I would pay them back. I smiled. Whatever happened, I would pay them back. There I went again, worrying about impermanence. The idea they’d be done with me and I would what—transfer them money? I got out of the tub. Yes, I wanted to pay my own way, but no I didn’t want this to become transactional. Fuck. Why was I always so confused?
