Anna looks from me to Johnny, confusion shadowing her face. “You know what, Johnny?” she asks.
I cover my face with my hands as I cry into them.
“Right, let’s get you back into bed, hey?” Colt offers as I feel him lift and place me on the bed. My leg aches, but it’s nothing compared to the pain in my chest.
Dammit!
I thought I could handle it.
I thought it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
But seeing it flaunted in front of me brings back all those hurtful feelings, and I start to sob while Colt’s hand runs over my cheek to try and comfort me.
It doesn’t work.
“Okay, will someone tell me what’s going on? Dee, why are you upset? Is something wrong? You were so happy yesterday and just now when you came in. What’s going on?” Anna begs.
Johnny walks over to her side, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “C’mon, babe, I’ll tell you in the car,” Johnny says, trying to pull her from the room.
“No, I want to knownow,” she states.
I turn away and close my eyes tight, trying to remove the pregnant image from my mind.
“Dee, can I tell her?” Colt asks as he strokes my hair lovingly, and I weep silently. I nod just once, and he exhales, preparing to share the news that has upended my entire life.
“When they operated on Dee’s stomach, they had to perform a hysterectomy,” Colt says quietly. “It was the only way they could save her life.” He leans down and presses a gentle kiss to my forehead.
Anna gasps, the sound sharp and full of shock. But I still can’t bring myself to look at her.
“Oh God, Dee… I’m so sorry,” she whispers, her hand resting gently on my shoulder. “We’ll go. I’m sorry.”
The second she says it, a rush of relief washes over me.
“No, you don’t have to go,” Colt says quickly.
My eyes fly open, and I roll over to glare at him.
“No. I think you should go,” I snap, my voice colder than I mean for it to be. But her pregnant belly is right there, and it feels like a knife twisting in my chest.
“Dee, I… I know this must be hard—”
“Do you?” I cut in, my voice sharp and brittle. “How could you possibly know, Anna? You’re standing there glowing, carrying your child, your future. You’ll get to hold them. Love them. Raise them. I’ll never have that, Anna. And right now, having it thrown in my face isn’t something I can handle.”
She bites her lip, clearly trying not to cry. And I hate myself for making her feel like this. But I can’t stop.
“I’m sorry, Dee,” she says, her voice trembling. “If I’d known… I never would’ve come. I’m your best friend. I want to be here. To support you. I love you like a sister. Please, if there’s anything I can do—”
“Just g-go, Anna.” My voice breaks as the tears spill again. “Don’t come back. I can’t see you. I don’t want to see you. And I can’t—” My throat closes up. “I can’t be a godparent to your… child. I can’t. So please… leave. Just leave me alone.” The sobs come hard now, and I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing I could disappear into the mattress.
Anna starts to cry. The sound of it shatters something in me.
“Dee—”
“Just go!” I scream, the words ripped from my chest like they’re physically tearing me apart. My heart is pounding so loudly I can barely hear anything other than the thrum of blood rushing in my ears that overtakes everything.
“Sorry, guys,” Colt mutters to Anna and Johnny as I turn away, burying my face in the pillow, broken and sobbing.
“Dee, I love you. We love you, and we’re both here for you when you need us,” Anna offers, sounding distant and muffled through her tears.
