ChapterOne
“You’ve reached OOPS, Out in the Open Paranormal Support.This is Nina Statleon speaking.What’s your problem, and how much cash will it take for you to hang the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone?Because I got a lot of it.Cash, that is, and all I’m looking for is a little peace, you know?It’s been one thing after another these days.I need a fucking break,” a husky, very bored voice groused.
“Thor!”Dominique Acosta screamed into the phone, unable to prevent the word from escaping her lips.The word, or rather, thenamethatwouldn’t stoprandomly escaping her throat.
When she screamed it, it filled her with an unexplainable rage for absolutely no reason.
Hollering it while shopping for allergy meds in the local CVS, her fist raised to the sky, and almost getting herself arrested for disturbing the peace?
Not on her bingo card.
“No, dummy.Not Thor.Are you deaf?It’s Nina.Niii, long I, naaa, long A.Say it with me,” the irritated voice on the other end of the line insisted.“Neenaaa.”
Rubbing her forehead and pinching her temples, Dom winced.“I heard you.I mean…I can’t…never mind.Nina, ma’am,pleaselisten.I think I need your help.”
“So you sayin’ cash is off the table?’Cause I can Venmo you in two seconds flat and we can be done with this shit.”
Dom swallowed, the effort like trying to relieve a large lump that refused to slide down her throat.
“As nice as cash sounds, and being of a curious nature, I admit, I wonder at the amount you’re offering, I don’t think money will help me.So let me start again, I’m Dominique Acosta, and I need real help.Your website says you offer help to people who’ve had a paranormal accident.Seeing as I can’t figure out what in the name of Patricia is going on with me, I have to side with it being something paranormal, and that’s where you come in.”
There was a raspy sigh, beleaguered and long, before Niiinaaa said, “Fine.Let’s go down the checklist.”
“Checklist?”Dom squeaked.
“Yeah.A yes or no will do.”
Blowing out a cleansing breath of air, she nodded, pacing her small entryway as her crow, Fletcher, hopped alongside her, pecking the floor as she went.“Okay.Got it.”
“Pronouns?”
Dom frowned.“I thought you said these were yes or no questions?”
There was an aggravated sigh.“Look.I’m just trying to get right with society as we know it, okay?My fellow OOPS colleagues fucking say it’s polite to ask so I can address you the correct way and not offend, because Christ knows I don’t want tooffendanyone.You don’t hafta tell me.I don’t give a shit if you identify as a bloomin’ onion.I’m only askin’ in case you have a preference.”She paused and then there was a tapping, perhaps of a pen hitting a desk, before she asked, “So, pronouns?”
“Um, she/her.”
There was a click of what sounded like keyboard keys and then, “First up—fangs.”
She blinked.Fangs?“Fangs?”
“Yeah, do you have ’em?Yes or no.”
Dom looked at her reflection in the mirror in her small entryway, peeling back her upper lip.“Um, no?”
“Hair.Lots of it, growing in places a chick uses vats of wax to get rid of—like your face and your no-no spots?Now, before you freak, hear me out.You’re a chick.I’m a chick.And the other chicks in my life say it’s okay to talk about personal shit like this with other women because we’re in the Year of our Lord 2025, and everybody talks about everything whether you want them to or not.There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
Dom blinked as she stared at her face.“No.No hair on my face.”Then she pulled the waistband of her capris pants away from her torso and peeked with only one eye open, holding her breath.Phew.
“Nope.No excessive hair on my…um, down there, either.”
“Drool.You droolin’ much?”
She shook her head, pressing her cell phone to her ear.“Nay on the drool.”
“’Kay, how about fins, scales, claws or a unicorn horn?”
Okay, joke was on her.I mean, come on—a unicorn horn?How could she be so stupid?
