“I’m sorry.” I squeeze her shoulder a little.
“Me too.” Her voice is a thin reed.
“Come downstairs.” I whisper. “Please.”
To my intense relief, she comes.
There’s something very vulnerable about her body language and it makes my chest ache.
I pour two glasses ofDissaronoand one of fizzy honey and elderflower water that Elodie gave us.
“Drink?” I hold out the liqueur.
“I had two glasses of white wine earlier; I’ll have something softer.” She takes the elderflower.
I think we both need something strong, but I don’t argue.
We settle down on the swing in the garden, she with the baby monitor beside her.
It’s still daylight outside; the sun doesn’t set until 8pm, so we catch the last of the sun as it sinks towards the sea. I prop one foot on the large rose planter and push to keep the swing moving gently. After a while, Lessa relaxes.
We start speaking in hushed voices.
“Are you angry with me?” I ask first.
She shakes her head just once. “I was jealous.” She pauses as if debating what to say next.
Why was she jealous? I’m the one with anxiety and suspicion nibbling up and down my spine.
“I’m happy you’re going to work for that orchestra, I was just… I didn’t want to find out from some stranger on the phone. I hoped you’d tell me about it. You used to…we used to talk.”
Her voice is infinitely sad, hurt even. I want to hug her, but she’s giving off a strong don’t-touch-me vibe.
“I only heard about the job last night when I checked my emails before bed. And they confirmed this morning.” I say, quietly. “I wanted to tell you and was just waiting until we had time.”
“You must be happy.”
“I must.” I sound like someone invited to a cottage-cheese party. “I really thought I’d messed up my chances by dropping out early.”
It takes her less than two seconds to work it out.
“When you came to the clinic after the birth?”
“Yeah. I was out with Janey after the first round of auditions, when the call came, and I simply legged it out of her place and got a taxi.”
Lessa shudders.
“Are you cold?” I put my arm around her shoulders and squeeze her into my side. She stiffens a bit then moves away from me. She clearly hasn’t forgiven me, yet.
I continue my explanation. “To be honest, I am torn about the job. Of course, it’s a dream come true in many ways, but you are right, it does mean letting my brother down.”
“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m so sorry–”
“Shh, shh. You said no more than the truth. It’s the reason I still haven’t confirmed. I don’t know what to do. I was waiting to talk about it with you because you always help me see sense.”
A bird starts chirping in the tree above our head. “Part of me wants to stay here, watch Malinara play in the garden and grow up safe away from city pollution and crime…” I let the sweet image float into the golden evening around us, hoping she agrees.
“I had the same thought,” she finally says, her voice soft and sad.
