The gathering darkness made Kaine’s face seem pale, his bleached-blond hair brushing against my forehead.
“I don’t think that means what you think it means. I think you’re supposed to talk about the things youwantto happen, not the things you don’t…” he teased.
“Don’t care. I’ll start my own church someday if I have to, if nothing else than to counter all the bullshit out there,” I said defiantly. “So fess up.”
“For me, I think it’s the obvious. Being… alone. Never seeing you again. Never getting to talk to you. Hug you. Never getting to—” he blushed and looked away a second before looking back at me. “Never getting to have sex with you.”
I blushed then, too, suddenly thankful for the darkness. I would have been okay with us fooling around, but Kaine was so vigilant about my health! He had been super worried that anything we did might exacerbate my mysterious illness, or that he would do something to hurt me in some way. Bullshit, maybe, but I also think a major part of Kaine’s reticence was that he was afraid I would leave him, just like his family had. Willingly, or not.
Despite his nonchalant façade, Kaine’s fear of abandonment ran deep. After what happened with both his parents, his neighbor and with Vinnie, I didn’t exactly blame him. Which was why I knew that, even if Ididhave to move away, I couldn’t ever let him go. I had to make sure he understood that.
“I am, too,” I said, rushing to reassure him. “I love you, and I’m— I’m terrified that I’ll never see you again. Afraid that my parents will move us to the ass end of nowhere and I’ll die far away from the only man I ever loved—” I stopped, realizing I had just used the “L” word for the first time. And twice in one sentence.Fuck. “Um….”
Kaine watched me in confusion as my stilted confession halted. Then I saw the slow realization of what I had said dawn on him. It was like someone had taken one of the candles that flickered on the roof around us and lit it inside his soul. When he smiled at me, the glow was blinding.
“Me, too. You—” he stammered. “I mean, I— I love you, too, Nicki.”
We sat there on that roof, looking into each other’s eyes, grinning like fools. Or lovesick sixteen-year-olds.
“I promise you, Kaine,” I began. “I promise I will always be there for you. You won’t ever be alone.”
It was a promise I’d intended to keep, but when it came down to it, I hadn’t been able to. I’d had to make the choice between my happiness, and my mother’s. Of my life, the life Kaine and I might have had, and hers. I couldn’t even claim that I’d do things differently, if given the chance. I would have done it again in a heartbeat.
The thought of that, more than almost anything, was what killed me about seeing Kaine again.
I stood at the Devereauxs’ front door, trying desperately to make my hand knock or ring the doorbell. Something. My breath was coming in fast pants, and I think I was hyperventilating, because I started getting dizzy. I could feel the tears building up in my eyes, and I tried so hard to move.
I had to do something. I couldn’t leave things the way they were with Kaine. I had to make sure he understood that I hadn’t wanted to cut him out of my life, but it was the only choice I had.
I’d borrowed Viv’s car and driven to the Devereaux Den. I stood outside their door for what seemed like forever. I realized I was at a crossroads. I could knock, go in, talk to Kaine and his family, or I could run away—leave him, for real this time. I realized then that while I hadn’t really had a choice when my father was involved, I did now.
I rang the doorbell.
The door opened and in front of me stood Mama K. She stared up at me, her eyes calm as she took in my face. I realized with a start that I was taller than she was now. That hadn’t been the case when I’d left for Florida.
“Mama K…” I said, then sniffed, trying desperately to keep from breaking down. “…Is Kaine—”
Before I could even get the words out of my mouth, I felt her arms wrapping around me.
“Oh,niño…” she said, those two words filled with such love and acceptance. I felt the strength in her arms, that hug so like my mother’s hugs, and I lost it.
Next thing I knew I was in their kitchen, seated on one of the barstools they kept around the kitchen counter. Mama D was setting a mug of hot chocolate down in front of me. I’d always loved their hot chocolate. She did something more than just add cocoa to it, but she always refused to tell me her secret ingredient. Mama K was sitting across from me and Mama D joined her.
“Nicki, what happened, child?” Mama D asked gently.
I took a deep breath. I knew I’d have to tell them at least some of my story.
“You— you knew we moved to Florida, to find out what was wrong with me…” I began shakily. They both nodded.
“I… I’m HIV positive,” I confessed.
“I’ve wondered if that might have been it,” Mama D said, glancing at her partner.
“How…?” I asked, trying to wrap my brain around the idea that they might have guessed the diagnosis that I’d struggled to find for years.
“We have several friends who are, or were, HIV positive,” Mama K said, before pausing for a drink from her water bottle. “It’s not uncommon these days.”
I nodded.
