“I think you’re right. I’m still working through my issues with Knowledge, but I don’t want to let it get in the way of building with my siblings. I used to want to know what it would be like to have big family reunions and cookouts like my friends. It was one of the reasons I stayed with Chop for so long because his family was bigger than mine, and they treated me like I belonged.”
“Pussy ass nigga,” Dreaux grumbled.
“You said that like you’ve been personally victimized by Regina George,” teased.
“What?” The frown on Dreaux’s face made me laugh when I realized I was talking to a street nigga and not my friends. Ciyani and I were always saying quotes from the movie Mean Girls.
“Nothing.” I climbed on top of him, straddling his waist.
“I wouldn’t sit up there if I were you,” Dreaux warned.
“Why not? You were talking about that shit at the party. What changed?” I pouted because sex would have been the perfect distraction after the night I had.
“You ain’t ready for the shit that comes with me.”
“How do you know?” My arms were folded in frustration because he kept sending me mixed signals. One minute, he was all over me, and the next, he was acting as if I were an inexperienced child.
“You’re too innocent for a nigga like me. You’re naive to the real world and how dangerous it can be. You still want to see the good in everybody when, in reality, some of the biggest snakes you’ll ever encounter will be the closest mothafuckas in your circle. You should know that better than anybody because you let that nigga play you and get you hemmed up on some bullshit ass charges. He let you take the fall because he knew you weren’t strong enough to go against him.”
My feelings were hurt by his reasoning, but I tried not to let it show. I told Dreaux about my past in confidence. I never expected him to throw my mistakes back in my face.
“See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. I hurt your feelings, and instead of calling me out and telling me I had you fucked up, you ain’t say shit. You’re not built for my world, lil mama. I’m a blunt ass mothafucka, and I don’t know how to spare someone’s feelings. If you don’t know how to stand up for yourself, then I’ll walk all over you. I deal with enough fake shit in the streets, I can’t have anybody around me who doesn’t know how to stand up for themselves.”
I lifted my leg to move off of him, but he held me in place.
“Naw, this is your problem. Open your mouth and say how you feel. Stop letting people hurt you or take things from you without pushing back. You’re acting like a weak bitch.”
“I’m not a weak bitch!”
“Then act like it! This world will chew you up and spit you out if you let it. You should never feel comfortable allowing anyone to treat you less than what you deserve. Myself included.”
Everything he said was the truth, but it sucked to hear. As much as I wanted to run from the truth, I couldn’t. My inability to find my voice and stand up for myself was the reason why I had gone through so much bullshit. To truly move on from the past, I needed to face the truth for what it was. I was weak, andthe people around me used it to my advantage. It was time for me to find my voice and become a better version of myself.
“You’re right.”
“I usually am. Some might even call it a gift.” He shrugged, taking one last puff from his blunt.
I rolled my eyes at his arrogant ass. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t know how to spare people’s feelings. He gave it to you straight with no chaser, and I was still learning how to adjust to him.
“Yeah, whatever. You’re an asshole. You just happen to be a fine one,” I quipped. I slid off of him, and he didn’t hold me back that time. When I got out of bed, he sat up with his eyebrows furrowed.
“Wait. Where are you going? Don’t tell me you’re mad at me.”
“No, I’m not mad. I’m going to the other guest room so I can use my toy. I’m tired and horny. Since you don’t want to fuck me, I’m gonna fuck myself.” I shrugged, feeling a new sense of boldness taking over me.
“You wild as hell for admitting that shit. I meant what I said, though. You ain’t ready for me. Hell, I don’t even think I’m ready for your ass either.” I appreciated his honesty, but I couldn’t pretend it didn’t sting.
“Goodnight. I hope you toss and turn all night and have the worst night’s sleep, asshole.”
“I love you, too, lil’ mama!”
My momma used to tell me that the people who care about you the most are the ones who tell you the truth, even when they know it might hurt. I didn’t understand what she meant back then, but as I got older, I appreciated all of the gems she gave me. She may have been flawed, but her love wasn’t. Even after hearing the story of her relationship with my father, I realized why she preached to me about choosing the right people and never settling for less. I failed the lesson a time or two, but I wasdetermined to learn from every mistake. It was all a part of the journey.
dreaux davis
. . .
“Is it terminal?”My brother, Drayden, inquired as we sat in the mother’s hospital room. When I got the phone call, I debated whether to even bother going to see her, because I had put her in the back of my mind and heart a long time ago.
