There can’t be a story.
Because the only version of our story I can imagine the press spinning is that Josh broke my heart and I went back for more.
I’ve spent the past five years building a dazzling career for myself despite the stupid fucking headwind of being the girl Josh Lander dumped. On Twitter.
I think of his words this morning.I’m not gonna let you slip away again, Elle.For fuck’s sake. Everything about that sentence tells me the man is incapable of accountability. How ironic, given his tales of endless hours of self-work. You’d think if rehab had drummed anything into him, it would be the need to take responsibility. But if he feels no accountability for last time, he can’t feel any accountability to make us work this time.
I draw myself up so my spine is ramrod straight. I ignore the ominous, stabbing pains in my abdomen. The building nausea. The sheen of cold sweat blanketing my skin. I give Gordon my coldest, most Thatcher-esque smile and turn to Camera Three.
‘You can tweet this, Gordon. I don’t do re-runs. Ergo, I wouldn’t give Josh Lander a happy ending if he was the last man on earth.’
‘JesusfuckingChrist.’Mara’s head is in her hands in the back of the car. She’s insisted on accompanying me back to the flat, and not because she’s worried I’ve got a flare-up brewing.
Nope.
She ispissed off.
I ignore her and stare out the window at London scrolling past us as we crawl down Bayswater. The lining of my coat is sticking to the cold sweat on my bare back.
She stabs at her phone. ‘I don’t know whether to be more livid with you or that little Scottish prick.’
I take slow, deep breaths and keep one hand on my tummy, willing it to comply as I rub my itchy eyelid hard with my finger. I give up on the view and loll against theheadrest. Closing my eyes makes me feel nauseous. I open them again.
‘What was I supposed to do?’ My voice is flat. I’m fucking exhausted. ‘He totally blindsided me. You drilled it into me to bash down the remotest suggestion that Josh and I might not be over. So I did.’
‘You certainly did that.’
‘So why are you so pissed off?’
I’m being disingenuous.
I know exactly why.
‘Because you’ve given the tabloids the headline to end all fucking headlines.I wouldn’t give Josh Lander a happy ending if he was the last man on earth. Fuuuuuck. It’s so… sexual. I mean, it’s pretty bloody graphic.’
Despite myself, I smirk in the dark. ‘I thought it was quite witty.’
‘It is witty. It’s very fucking witty. But I could do without you having found your inner comedian on the bloody Gordon Kay show. Now, instead of quashing rumours, the whole world’s going to be imagining you giving Josh Lander a hand job. Excellent. What the hell do you expect me to do about that?’
I wave a dismissive hand in the air. ‘Figure it out. That’s why I pay you the big bucks.’
‘You know I will. No thanks to you. I have seventy-two hours to work my magic before it broadcasts. Are you still fucking him?’
I hesitate.
‘Seriously, Elle?’
‘As of today, no. We had a bit of a bust-up this morning. Suffice to say I’ve come to my senses.’
For now.
While there are a few miles between us.
While I don’t have to see him.
Act opposite him.
Simulate all kinds of stuff that makes me want to break the handle off his trailer door in my haste to be with him afterwards.
