‘Seriously? Are we talking about the same situation here?’
‘What?’ He has the gall to look genuinely taken aback.
‘Don’t be disingenuous with me, Josh.’
‘Don’t get mad and go into full dictionary mode on me,Elle.’ He stands up.
‘You didn’tlet me slip away. That would suggest an element of carelessness, like you weren’t paying attention andwhoosh, I disappeared. You dumped me. On fucking Twitter. And far worse than that, you ghosted me to the absolute extreme of the definition. You invited me to your family home and then I never heard from you again. You did something unspeakably cruel to me, so don’t fucking rewrite history. For God’s sake, have the balls to man up and take responsibility.’
His face is desolate, but I’m unmoved.
‘Baby, I didn’t mean anything by it. It was just a turn of phrase. I meant—I meant I’m gonna do better next time. I promise.’
‘You promised me we were going to go to Capri together, after you put me in that car outside your home and before you hung me out to dry. So forgive me if I think yourpromisesare fucking worthless.’
I put my head in my hands. ‘Oh, God. Will I never learn? You slink into my bed with your hot body and your sweet words, and I should know you just do whatever the fuck you like. I can’t believe I had sex with you without a condom. I can’t believe I let you stay the night! I’m. So. Fucking. Stupid.’
‘Elle.Baby. Stop it! You don’t need to stress. Last night was awesome. I wanna be with you—that’s what I’m trying to tell you!’
I can’t even look at him. I’m furious with him, but I’m far more furious with myself. It’s déjà vu - he has me all sleepy andsexed-out and defenceless. Just the way he likes me. I’m not the wide-eyed ingenue he seduced five years ago.
I’m a star in my own right.
I call the shots.
Fool me once, shame on you, Josh Lander.
Fool me twice,definitelyshame on me.
‘That may be, but I’m not in the mood to hear anything you have to say, Josh.’ I look up at him, but my tone is flat. Exhausted. ‘Just go. Okay?’
CHAPTER 39
Elle
This break from shooting actually feels pretty good now I’m in London. It’s a change of pace, a reprieve just when I need one (because we all know I need to save myself from myself where Josh Lander is concerned).
We shot a big ensemble scene this morning, which was fun and meant no intimate moments with Josh on set.
Thank God.
Then it was down to London in a car, and after two hours in hair and makeup, I’m ready to face the world. Tonight, I’m on Gordon Kaye’s iconic green sofa with my wonderful and highly amusingHysteriaco-star, Leo Spence. Leo played a most convincing villain and made my character’s life a living hell and my time on set a riot.
I’m going to need all Leo’s help to drum up some decent banter. I’m exhausted, and when I checked my blood pressure this morning, it was pretty low. Worst of all, my eyelids have started to hurt. They tend to get a red rash on them when my body’s considering a flare-up; it’s one of the early warning signals I get. There’s not much I can do about it given the relentlessness of my schedule this week, but I do make myselfdo a meditation in the car, which turns into a brief but restorative nap.
Anyway. Also on the sofa this evening are a YouTube cookery sensation and an Irish comedian. The four of us hang out in the green room and I allow myself a small glass of wine in the hope it’ll loosen me up. I’m choosing short-term fixes over my longer-term wellbeing; I know that. Wine’s the last thing my body needs right now, but my sanity requires it. I’ve had a total personality failure since my altercation with Josh this morning, mainly because an exhausting death-spiral of conflicting thoughts has taken over my entire brain.
I keep circling. Around and around and around.
I should never have let him get that close. Really, I should never have got naked with him this time around, and I certainly shouldn’t have let him spend the night and got all cosy and sleepy and vulnerable with him.
But last night was amazing. All the sex has been amazing. I can’t deny we have something incredible together.
But we had something incredible together last time, and look what happened.
It’s different this time. It feels different, anyway. I think. There’s a better balance of power. I’m not some star-struck innocent anymore.
But I’m not confident enough in my own objectivity to be sure it’s different. Maybe he is really a sociopath. Maybe he’s changed. Or maybe he’s just totally spineless and pathetic: a pandered child star who’s never had to be accountable to anyone in life or love.
