CHAPTER 28
Elle
Fuck fuck fuck. I am such anidiot. I don’t know what the hell happened to me just now. One minute, we were drinking tea in a perfectly civilised manner and I was like,I can do this.And the next, he completely slayed me with this shock outpouring of vulnerability and brutal fucking honesty and I could not handle it. My heart just couldn’t take it.
The main thing I was thinking when he was talking, to be honest, wasthis is not the Josh Lander I knew.When I was with him, he was larger than life, an incredibly successful and charismatic, and yes, entitled, and secure-in-his-own skin celebrity who charmed the pants off me. Quite literally. And I was the little newbie who drank up that whole Hollywood persona he had going on.
But he’s different. And it’s not just because my own career has taken off and I’ve caught up with him (or eclipsed him, if I’m being mean or comparing box office takings). Someone’s turned the volume switch on Josh Lander right down and it’s kind of sad, in one way, because it feels like he’s gone through a lot of shit and then some.
It’s also… reassuring, oddly, to hear about his journey. About the work he’s been doing on himself. And unsettling. Because if I’m honest, I’ve reduced the entire guy down to one thing he did. One horrible, inexplicable and unforgivable act. And I’ve hated him for that for years, and hate is a nice, clean feeling. It’s easy to get your head around, and it feels great to act on.
But when he acted all honest and humble and vulnerable and insightful just now? Well, that really fucked with my head. Because Josh Lander, who I’d conveniently pigeonholed and made myself dismiss as a hot, basic douchebag, was easy to hate. But Josh Lander, working every day to stay clean from addictions I didn’t have the slightest clue he had, and sharing his inner demons with me in an articulate and generous fashion?
ThatI cannot handle.
That I’m not equipped for.
Because it’s too much. There’s so much regret and frustration and sadness there. The guy sitting across from me a few minutes ago is a hell of a lot more worthy of forgiveness and happiness and love than the guy I’ve reduced to a single loathsome deed.
Unless he was acting. He’s a bloody good actor, after all, when he wants to be. One of the best. It could all be a carefully plotted seduction strategy. There could be diddly squat under that pretty, pretty face and those impactful lines he reeled me in with.
So I couldn’t help but throw his mistakes back in his face, right there, and it felt good to lash out. To hurt him like he hurt me, if only in the most superficial way. To treat him like a small child: rather than forcing an apology for the sake of it, reminding him actions have consequences.
In other words, it’s karma, dickhead.
It is all such a fucking waste, because when he walked intomy room in his baseball cap and jeans, I nearly pulled a Georgiana. I nearly swooned. He’s just as gorgeous in All-American-golden-boy mode as he is in repressed-English-Duke mode, and I want him so badly. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair he still has such a hold over me, after everything he’s done, after my years of work on myself. It’s so shit.
I wipe my tears off my cheeks. There’s only one way out of this pity-party for one, and it’s a chat with my girls. I need to FaceTime Nora and Olive.
Nora answers and the screen shows her sitting against her headboard, PJs on and Olive snuggled in happily under her chin. She looks so cosy and soft. I’d give anything to be there with those two right now.
‘Hi, girls.’ I give a lacklustre wave. Olive jerks her head up, confused by the sound of my voice, before deciding she’s too sleepy to give a shit and tucking her tiny head back under Nora’s chin.
‘You okay? How did today go?’ Nora is well-versed in the sexual arc of my shooting schedule.
‘Ugh.’ I make a face.
‘That bad? Tell me. Did Josh Lander stick his mouth-penis in your mouth?’
‘Oh my God, you are horrific. And yes, he did. About fifty times.’
‘And? How was it—violating?’
I rub my hand over my eyelids and squeeze the bridge of my nose. ‘Totally violating. And—don’t kill me—seriously hot.’
She’s silent for a moment. ‘Oh, sweetie.’
‘Yeah. It was shit. Nor, you would have died. He’s like the hottest Dominic ever. He looked so convincing—he gave me goosebumps. Even with the dodgy hairstyle. Everything about him… he’s nailed it.’
‘Bugger. How fucking dare he? No one will blame you ifJosh Lander as Dominic Coventry does it for you. That combo is the Holy Grail for all womankind. Even if he’s a sociopath.’
‘That’s the thing.’ I reach for a tissue and attempt to blow my nose with one hand. ‘I invited him to my room earlier to run some lines, and he’d just got back from a Narcotic Anonymous meeting.’ I fill her in on Josh’s surprising revelations and his dopamine fast and the unexpected and very unwelcome things his honesty made me feel.
When I’m done, she sucks in a breath. ‘Holy shit. That is not good.’
‘Yeah. Tell me about it. I mean, the man shows up looking indecently good in jeans and a bloody fisherman’s jumper, for Christ’s sake, and starts spouting stuff like he’s a disciple of Brené Brown. It was like sexual crack. There was no way I could withstand that onslaught.’
‘Fucking hell. Sounds like it. Maybe you should go to NA for addiction to Josh Lander, human crack.’
