‘Can you go to NA for more general issues than just drugs?’
‘Sure. It’s also…’ I consider how to explain it. ‘I like the approach. In AA, they focus on the alcohol as the cause of the addiction. In NA, it’s more about the individual. So my addiction is the problem, not whatever substance I’m addicted to. Does that make sense? And then it’s a case of, well, the addiction is the symptom, but what’s the cause? What’s driving that addiction? And for me, doing the work to figure out that root cause is what’s helped me make progress.’
She’s staring at me, and I’m conscious I’ve bared a lot more of my soul than I planned to this woman who despises me. She thinks I hurt her, but really, she’s the one with all the power here. She’s the one who can annihilate me. And she’s the one who told me she didn’t even want small talk, and I just went way beyond that.
‘Whew.’ I run my hand through my hair, embarrassed at my outburst. It’s still sticky. ‘Jeez, I showered, but I can’t get this fucking product they used out of my hair.’
‘Your skin is a bit irritated where they stuck those sideburns on.’ She reaches across and brushes just in front of my ear with her finger. I stare at her.
‘Yeah—that glue they use is nasty. I’m gonna have to shave before they stick those things on each morning, or it’ll be like getting waxed every time they take them off.’
‘I have something that might help. Wait a sec.’
She jumps off the couch and crosses into her bedroom, and I watch her perfect fucking peachy ass as she walks. It doesn’t look like she’s wearing panties. Fuck. This dopamine fast suddenly feels like a bad idea, especially when I have weeks and months of being up close and personal with this temptress.
She’s back a minute later.
‘Here you go.’ She hands me a little bottle. ‘It’s a soothing serum. It’ll help with the irritation.’
I look up at her. For all she acts pissed with me, she’s still a totally decent human being. I don’t deserve this kind of thoughtfulness.
‘Thank you,’ I say as she sits back down. ‘That’s seriously sweet of you.’
She shrugs. ‘No big deal. My skin flares up too when I’m filming. All that makeup. So. Let’s go back to what you were saying, because it’s fascinating. You’re living like a monk, basically.’
I grin. That’s a good way of describing it. I am a fucking monk right now. ‘Pretty much, I guess.’
‘So no porn for you, then.’
I squirm. ‘No, ma’am.’
‘And no sex?’
Seriously? She’s smiling like she’s enjoying torturing me. Hearing the wordsexcome out of her mouth makes me feel like a horny teenager.
‘No sex since before rehab.’
‘Wow. You are serious about this. Are you allowed to... You know?’
She’s seriously asking me if I’m allowed to jerk off? What the hell has gotten into her?
‘Sorry.’ I mock-frown. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
She shoves my knee with her hand. She’s still smiling. ‘Stop it. Are you allowed towank?’
I don’t miss her fleeting glance at my crotch. ‘I thank you for your concern. Yeah, I’m allowed towank,as you so nicely put it. I’m not a fan of blue balls. I just do it as, you know, maintenance. Like, reactively. When I absolutely have to.’
She pauses. Cocks her head.
‘Like when you’re all worked up from having spent theday ravishing your co-star on camera, and you’re really wishing you hadn’t fucked things up so badly with her, because if you were on better terms, the two of you might be able to have a quick bang and give each other the release you both need? Likethatkind of “absolutely have to”?’
Her smile is wiped from her face, and her jaw ticks as she stares at me. And holy fuck. Her eyes are wet. And I swear, I’ve never wanted anything as much in my entire life as I wanna flip her over on this couch, and pull down those leggings, and remind her how good we were together. Howfuckinggood.
I need another shower.Now.
‘Yeah.’ I don’t flinch. I don’t look away. ‘Exactly like that.’
‘Thought so.’ She unfolds herself from the couch and stands up. ‘Pity you fucked that up, eh? You’d better go. We can go through our lines tomorrow.’
