‘Does Elle know this?’ Gordon’s voice is soft.
‘Yeah.’ I look up at him. ‘She knows everything now. She didn’t when she was on here last week, though.’
‘Got it.’ He nods encouragingly. ‘Let’s keep going.’
Next tweet.What 1st got you using?
‘Huh. None of this will surprise you, but it was a combination of the pressures of the industry, especially as a kid, home life issues which I won’t go into here, and the fucking availability of these things. I mean, I’ve had people offer me drugs since I was fifteen or younger, man. It was too easy. I didn’t know which way was up, what was real and what was people blowing smoke up my ass.
‘And it was easier to control it all by taking the right pillfor each moment. It was fucking amazing, actually. Until it wasn’t.’
The next tweet pops up on-screen.
You think you deserve our sympathy or somethin
‘No, man. No, I don’t. No way. I know I don’t deserve sympathy. Not like some people out there who are addicted to pain meds for totally valid reasons, or who’ve gotten themselves into a whole fucking mess by getting hooked on stuff doctors have prescribed them. I know how lucky I am, believe me.’
Gordon leans forward.
‘What’s the worst thing you’ve done while high?’
‘Without a shadow of a doubt, replying to your tweet about me and Elle. I wasn’t high—I was on a shitty comedown—but I know how much I hurt her. I’ve hurt so many people without even knowing it, but that was the worst.’
‘So you regret it?’
I hesitate. ‘I regret hurting her. I regret the way I did it. I regret having had to live without her for five years. But it’s hard for me to regret setting her free, because she was better off without me back then. I seriously believe that, man. And look at her now—look at what she’s achieved. I mean, I’m in awe.’
He holds eye contact with me. ‘And now? Tell us what you’re really doing here. What’s this all about, Josh?’
He’s right. It’s time to cut the crap. I look for the right camera and stare into the lens. Take a deep breath and rake my hair off my face. I need to find a way to plead my case without dropping Elle in the shit.
‘I have a colourful past. I get it. I’ve been a dick in public and in private so many times, and you guys have seen me fuck up time and time again. Elle was right to make that comment about me last week. And you guys are right to support her,and to feel protective of her. She’s unbelievably strong—so much stronger than you know.
‘But I love her. And I think she could maybe return my feelings, except she feels trapped now. Trapped by the weight of your expectations of her, and your judgements of what kind of decision it is and isn’t okay for her to make about her own private life. And worst of all, it seems to me she’s worried that if she takes a step towards her own happiness, she’ll be letting you down.
‘She takes her position as a role model so seriously, and I know she’d rather sacrifice her own happiness than risk any behaviour that might give mixed messages to her fans about what they should tolerate in their own personal lives, and how they should stand up for themselves towards guys who don’t treat them right.
‘So. I’m here, I guess, to tell you, I’m not a villain. Not anymore, anyways. I love Elle Hart, and I don’t give a shit what you think of me, but I need you to put the trust in her she deserves to make choices that are right for her. Because she’s super smart. She’s the smartest person I ever met, and she’s also badass. There’s no fucking way she’s cutting me any slack unless I’ve worked my ass off to prove I deserve it.
‘But she’s also compassionate, and she believes in giving people second chances. Elle’s been a great friend to me these past few weeks. She’s willing to judge me, not on my past mistakes—and fuck knows, they’re epic—but on the man I am today, and how I show uptoday.
‘This isn’t about me. It’s about Elle and her happiness. So I beg you, go easy on her, and if I’m lucky enough to get a second chance with her, don’t come for her, okay?’
My shoulders shake with emotion, and I wipe my eyes impatiently as Gordon sits and waits for me to pull myself the fuck together.
‘Thanks for your honesty, mate,’ he tells me. ‘I think wehave one more tweet, and then we’ll put you out of your misery, eh?’
‘Sure. Go for it.’ I nod and sniff. Try to avoid the temptation to reach over and grab his glass of white wine, pour it down my own throat. Anything to take the edge off.Anything.
‘Great. Can we have the final tweet, please?’
Our eyes fix on the screens in front of us, and up it pops.
It’s from @ElleryHartOfficial.
@Joshlanderofficial r u still interested in that happy ending?
I snicker, despite myself. It’s obviously a dummy account, or a mock-up. I look over at Gordon.
