‘Yeah. We can mention Elle Hart.’ I grin, and the audience lets out anoooooo.
‘As you can see, Josh, we have a particularly mature audience in tonight. Before we unleash the mother of all Twitter storms, can you tell these good people why you’re here tonight?’
‘Of course.’
I look out at the cameras. Camera Three waves at me. My heart thumps in my ears.Here goes, Josh. You can do this. Surrender to this. Don’t get your ego involved. It has no place here.
‘I’ve done a lot of stupid things over the years. Really stupid. Gotten away with murder, and gotten called out a fewtimes. What many of you might not know is I’ve been trying to make things right these past few months. Azure gave me an amazing opportunity—this role inGrosvenor—and I’m not gonna let them down. I checked myself into rehab when I got the role, and I’ve been clean for two-hundred-eighty-four days. No drinking. No drugs?—’
Gordon puts his hand out to stop me so he can lead a round of applause in the studio. The sound of it makes my eyes prick.
‘Thank you. That’s very kind.’
‘Is that the longest you’ve gone sober?’ Gordon asks.
‘Yes, sir. The longest by a million miles, since I was a teenager.’
‘Good man, good man.’ He sits back and gestures. ‘Go on.’
‘I know there are people out there in far more difficult situations than me, with no support. No funds. No opportunities. And I wanna say, I see you. I know how hard it is.’ I clear my throat, take a quick sip of water. ‘Anyways. There’s been a lot of shit in the press, these past few weeks, about me, which I’m totally fine with. I deserve everything I get.
‘But people close to me are being hurt and judged. People I care about. Elle Hart is being judged, and her past dragged up. The press is reminding her of a period in her life she’d rather move on from. And Azure is being accused, in a toxic and cowardly way, through insinuation, of improper practices when it comes to casting me and Elle. And I won’t tolerate that. So if you have questions about me—about what I’ve done in the past, about who I was, about who I am—I say, bring ‘em on. I’ll answer ‘em all.’
I sit back, laying both my arms out on the couch, trying to ignore the slick of sweat on my forehead that’s only partly due to the lights.
‘You heard the man,’ Gordon says to the cameras. ‘Can we have the first question, please?’
He and I both lean forward to the screens embedded in the coffee table and he reads the first tweet out loud.
‘Josh, will you marry me?For fuck’s sake. No! I’m marrying him first. Next!’
The screen throws up a new tweet:What’s it like playing Dominic?
‘My producers are fucking useless,’ he grumbles. ‘Seriously, we need to put this man through the wringer! Go on, answer it.’ He waves his hand in surrender.
I laugh. I appreciate the easy start, and I kinda like Gordon’s producers. ‘It’s a lot of fun. It’s a fantastic role. Challenging—I’ve had to work really hard with an amazing dialect coach, Victoria Wright—to get the accent right. But Dominic is misunderstood, especially by Georgiana, his wife, and it’s wonderful to be able to play him through so many layers.’
‘Can you give us a taster? Say something for us in your duke voice.’
I clear my throat again, and go for something I know will make Nicola Marchant fans happy while not being too X-rated. ‘My wife will have to satisfy me out of bed as well as in it. I will not settle for less. And I cannot imagine any of the vacuous virgins the Season has to offer will fulfil either of those functions.’
The audience goes fucking crazy and Gordon fans himself theatrically. ‘Holy shit! Your wife is a lucky lady. I think that deserves a round of applause.’
The next tweet wipes the smile right off my face.
Who dumped who u or elle.
The audience sucks in its collective breath. Helpful. Gordon nods at me to take this one.
I move my legs around, rest my elbows on my knees. Claspmy hands. This kind of thing is precisely what I came on this show for. But it doesn’t make it easier.
‘Well. Firstly, I don’t like the word “dumped”. Okay? But, well. I sent that tweet.’ I’m not going to throw Mom under the bus here. I’m a grown man. ‘And Elle was not expecting it.’
The audience erupts, and Gordon asks for silence.
‘But I wanna make one thing very clear. I sent that tweet for one reason, and one reason only. To let her be rid of me. To force a clean break. Because I had a whole lotta issues. Drinking. Drugs. Issues I was very deceitful about. Elle knew nothing about them, beyond what the press had speculated. Bottom line was, I was not good enough for her. Not then, not now.
‘And I knew she was too good a person to walk away from me. But I had to let her go. She had this amazing career ahead of her, and I was a fucking mess. So I did what I had to do, because I loved her—I was out of my mind in love with her. And I’ve always loved her. Still do. She’s an incredible person.’ I bow my head, pinch the bridge of my nose, and maybe soak up a couple teardrops lurking by my tear ducts.
