“He tried to… But I got away. He was really angry.” I close my eyes, trying not to picture his face again. I don’t want to feel his hands on me again or remember the disgusting stuff he said to me when he was trying to pull my clothes off.
I rub my eyes. “I know it must seem ridiculous to you guys. But when I’m near him, I don’t feel like nine years have passed. I feel like I’m fifteen again, and like if I piss him off, he’ll tell Dad. And then you guys will get hurt. And I know in my head that I’m an adult now and that Dad’s dead and Grant doesn’t actually have anything to hold over me anymore. But my body just can’t get with the program. It’s like my whole system starts to shut down, and the only thing I can focus on is making sure Grant’s happy. When I fought him off in the elevator, after I got away, I considered going back to him because I knew he was so angry.”
I swallow before admitting, “I almost did go back. I had to talk myself out of it.”
“Jude.” Dom’s voice is soft, softer than I’ve ever heard it before. His hand twitches, like he wants to touch me but feels like he shouldn’t. I’m glad he doesn’t. I don’t really want anyone’s hands on me right now.
“That doesn’t sound ridiculous to me,” Rowan says. “It’s a trauma response. It’s not your fault.”
I shake my head. They should be yelling at me, telling me that what I did was wrong. That I should be stronger now. I don’t want them to be nice to me.
“He’s right,” Dom says. “No one could possibly expect you to know what to do when you see Grant again.”
“You two would be fine,” I mutter.
Rowan reaches over and takes the cigarette from my hand. He drops it to the dirt and flattens it under his boot. Then he looks at me. “Look, I’m not a shrink, and I have no idea what goes on in your head. But you always refer to what happened between you and Grant as a relationship. And maybe that’s part of why you’re having so much trouble. I don’t think you’ve really accepted what it was.”
I turn his words over in my head even though I want to dismiss them immediately. Back when it first started, I knew it wasn’t a relationship. He was hurting me, and I hated every moment of it. But then Rowan found out, and Dom, and I had to lie to them. I had to lie to the cops and teachers and other kids at school. Maybe somewhere along the way, I started forgetting what it really was.
“I just don’t want you thinking that it was normal,” Rowan continues softly. “Or that you deserved it, because you didn’t, Jude. He was a creepy, sadistic son of a bitch, and he took advantage of you.”
My throat tightens at his words. It’s almost the opposite of what I’ve been telling myself all these years. I deserved it because I caused trouble at home and made Dad mad, and then he would hurt Dom or Rowan. If I fought Grant, it meant I thought I was better than my brothers. Like it was okay for Dad to hurt them just so I wouldn’t have to be miserable.
I don’t even realize I’ve said all that out loud until Dominic shushes me quietly.
“You didn’t owe us anything,” Dominic says. “We never would’ve chosen for you to go through that.”
“I know. But that’s why I couldn’t tell you. I knew you’d stay with Dad forever, and I couldn’t not do what Grant wanted just so I wouldn’t be hurt.” My voice shakes a little, and I reach for another cigarette.
Rowan puts a hand on my wrist as I’m reaching for my lighter. “Why’d you go to the bar tonight? Were you looking for one of us?”
“Yeah, no.” I release my lighter even though the craving for a smoke is still incredibly strong. “Max didn’t exactly tell you the truth. We’ve been seeing each other.”
Dom snorts.
“Really?” Rowan demands. “My boss? You couldn’t find anyone else in the whole city?”
I shrug. “He does it for me.”
“I don’t want to hear that.” He releases my wrist, so I slide the lighter out of my pocket and fire up another cigarette.
We’re all quiet for a few minutes. Rowan lets me have a few pulls of the cigarette before taking it from me again.
“What’re we going to do about Grant?” Dom asks finally.
“Wearen’t going to do anything,” I reply. “I’m leaving the day after tomorrow, so it’s a non-issue. It’s not like he’s doing it to anyone else.”
“Have you ever thought that maybe the reason why you keep moving around is because you’re worried about Grant finding you?” Dom’s voice is gentle, but I still bristle at his words.
“I like to travel.”
“Jude.” It’s all Rowan needs to say for me to understand they don’t believe me.
“We missed you,” Dom says. “What are the chances of you coming back to Brooklyn if Grant’s still around?”
I don’t respond. The chances are extremely slim. Short of Rowan getting married, I’m not sure I could do it. But the idea of never seeing Max again makes my stomach twist. I’ve never connected like that with someone.
And seeing Row and Dom again has made me realize just how much I missed them. I felt it all the time but being near them—even when Dom and I were arguing—has felt like a piece of me settling back into place.
