On Saturday morning, rather than a walk in the park, she accepted a cup of hot chocolate and a warm pastry from Cook. Once she had closed the door, she sat on an armchair in what she now termed the ‘contemplation’ parlour. Before Elizabeth tackled the mountain she needed to scale, she thought of how appreciative she was to her aunt and uncle for not quizzing her about how she was doing. She was fully aware had she the need of either or both of them to talk to, they would be there. After the conclusions she had drawn regarding her father, she had decided until she made progress on the parts about herself, it would be premature to share what she had determined so far.
Suddenly it hit her like a bolt of lightning. Was it so simple? Was the way she had ignored what was easy to see, if she had wanted to, just that, he own desire? Had she wilfully ignored the obvious when it did not fit her preconceptions!
The more Elizabeth thought of her past decisions and beliefs, the way she brushed aside the opinions of others when they did not coincide with what she had determined, the clearer it became it was a combination of not being willing to consider as fact that which would disprove something she had decided, her innate stubbornness, and the hubris of thinking she was never wrong.
When she applied this revelation to some of the events of the recent past, especially when she saw the reactions of the criminal and Mr Darcy when they spied one another in Meryton, she could see her preconceived notions regarding Mr Darcy, had made it certain she would draw the wrong conclusion. It was the same reason she had ignored all of themany contradictions and inconsistencies she had heard, while the then Lieutenant, had been spinning a web of untruths. Again, when Jane, and then later Charlotte had pointed out, perfectly reasonably, that she could not draw any inferences without hearing both sides of the story, she had dismissed them saying what? “I saw honesty in his looks,” Elizabeth said out loud.
In the past, she had always joined her father in calling Kitty and Lydia the two silliest girls in England. But was that something which could be applied to herself? That led her to ask herself why she had never asked her father, if, as he always said, his youngest daughters were silly and uneducated, he had not educated them?
Had she suffered from the same selfishness as her father? At the time she had believed she had influence over the man. Why did she not use that perceived power for the good of her sisters and mother? She understood now she had no power to influence her father.
Having reached the understanding about herself she now had, Elizabeth began to wonder how it was Jane loved her as she had been, how was it she had a friend as good as Charlotte? She now freely admitted she was not a good daughter to her mother, a good sister, or a good friend as she used to be. Rather than feel sorry for herself, Elizabeth stiffened her spine.
“As I said to Mama, I need to learn from my errors and not repeat them. I have many amends to make, and I must tell my father I know the truth, but unless I apply what I have learnt, make the changes, and improve my character, then all of the pain of my self-discovery will be for nought. I will not allow that! The changes start now. I need to speak to Aunt Maddie and Uncle Edward.” Elizabeth stood, and with determined steps, went to find them.
~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~
No matter what he did or said, Bennet could not provokehis unintelligent wife or silly daughters to misbehave! It was very dissatisfying. Lizzy was gone until her sister’s wedding, and who knew if she would want to return to assist her increasing aunt afterward. He could forbid her to go to London again, and it was a distinct possibility he would, but he would make that decision when he saw her. A missish Lizzy was not an entertaining one, nor was she a good companion in that state.
Why had Phillips told his wife about the demise of that dunderheaded Collins? Bennet was sure allusions to the hedgerows would have resulted in his wife’s nerves being set off with the addition of her spasms and palpitations.
He could not remember the last time he had heard the screech of ‘Hill my salts.’ Not only that, but Fanny, Kitty, and Lydia had been unnaturally calm since the story about that man Wickham had been related to him by Lizzy and Jane.
He ignored what he had heard when he had gone to the bookseller to see if there were some additions to the stock which would peak his interest. There was much talk of the officer and the debts he had left in Meryton and Westingham, and how the one who had slighted Lizzy had bought up all of the man’s debts. There were discussions among the men about how this Lieutenant Wickham had proposed to the smithy’s and haberdasher’s daughters and had been pressuring them to anticipate their supposed vows. The problem was everything he had heard only disproved his assertions that what he had been told was a fiction, and bolstered what those three highborn men and his former friend Lucas had related to him. As he was not one for introspection, or admitting he had erred, Bennet decided what he had heard was nothing but unproved gossip.
He was still out of sorts due to the fact he had not been able to cry off attending the engagement ball the previous night. He had banked on his two youngest daughters causing a hullabaloo and disconcerting his wife and older daughters, at their not being allowed to attend the ball. They had not.Bennet still could not understand how it was the Viscount had led Mary—who for some unknown reason looked anything but plain—out for the first set, and his brother, the Colonel, had done the same with Charlotte Lucas. Was he the only sane one left and the whole world was going mad?
Other than supper, Bennet had spent the rest of the evening in the card room. He had scratched his head when he had gone to find his wife at supper. Mary and Charlotte were seated alongside the men they had danced the opening set with. Did that mean the men had danced a second significant set with them? He decided the men were not serious and only having some sport with dowerless country girls. As one who loved to laugh at others, Bennet could appreciate a good joke—as long as it was not aimed at himself. At the end of the night, his wife and two daughters had looked well pleased, and they had been one of the first families to depart.
The more happy his wife and daughters became; the more dissatisfied Bennet was.
~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~
At the end of dinner that night, Elizabeth requested to meet her aunt and uncle in their sitting room once they said their goodnights to the children. As they had been expecting Lizzy to want to speak to them at some point, the Gardiners agreed without delay.
About a half hour later, the three sat in roughly the same seats they had when they had met in the private sitting room some days before. “We are here to listen to you, Lizzy dear,” Madeline stated.
Elizabeth took one, and then another deep breath before she commenced. “I have done what I set out to do. This does not mean there is not more I will discover about myself in the future, but I believe I have identified the most important issues.” She took another series of deep breaths. “There are two main pieces I have found. The first is about my father andhow he trained me, as well as his long-term plans for me. The second part is my own culpability.”
Madeline and Edward Gardiner said nothing. They would wait until Lizzy invited comment. When she mentioned her own blameworthiness, they both thought she was being too hard on herself, but they would not interject yet.
“As you know, I have an excellent memory.” Both Gardiners nodded it was so. “I remember a conversation from when I was the same age as Lilly is now…” Elizabeth reported the essence of the conversation and her conclusions. She went on to speak about how she now saw her father’s love as an illusion and the way that she saw him now that her eyes were fully opened. In hindsight, she could see how his support of her was only for his own benefit. She expressed sadness there was an element of cruelty in his way of making sport and her deep regret for ever participating. “Do you have any questions or comments regarding my conclusions about my father? Once we have discussed what you will, then I will explain why I spoke of that which I have to own as my own fault and not my father’s.”
“Much of what you are now aware of, I have seen since soon after Fanny was married to your father. Given the rights and power the law grants a man over his wife and family, other than speak to him once or twice, there was nothing I was allowed to do,” Gardiner revealed. “After the second time I broached the subject, Bennet gave me a choice, never mention anything on the subject again, or there would be a complete and permanent break, and I would never see my sister or any children they were to have.
“I may have said this before, but Fanny is an intelligent, warm, and loving lady. It saddened me greatly to see what she turned into by being subjugated to your father.”
“During the second part of my realisations, I wondered why my father, who always called his wife and two youngest daughters among other things uneducated, never took thetrouble to provide them instruction.” Elizabeth stared off into the distance.
“I see two reasons why Bennet would not do that,” Gardiner opined. “One is if he made the effort and educated them, then about what would he be able to tease them? The second part is with his extreme indolence, it would have been too much trouble.”
“You know,” Madeline interjected, “it is not only your mother who is an intelligent lady, but I have always believed the same of Kitty and Lydia.”
“I think you are correct, Aunt Maddie,” Elizabeth agreed.
“What you said about the dowries, your father assuring himself you would be tied to him, and you would never either want to find a husband or be accepted by a man is, as sad as it is to say about a father, accurate. The only thing to match your father’s indolence is his selfishness.”
“He is not the only one who thinks of themselves,” Elizabeth said sadly. “That is part of what I admitted about my blame…” She retold her discoveries about herself, independent of her father’s influence.
