A terrible wail escapes me. A sound fit for the deepest pits of hell. I move my hips away from Mal’s cock and sit on his stomach instead. My hands rise up and cover my face even though there is no hiding my shame. Hot, hot tears are spilling from my eyes and I cannot hold them back.
My shoulders are heaving. My lungs stuttering. I’m sobbing like the broken thing that I am. All my hurt, pain, and fear is flowing out of me. I can no longer contain it.
Amongst the thousands of sharp and twisting knives of agony cutting into me, one burns far more than the rest. The pain of it is excruciating. Unending. Unbearable. It has torn my heart and soul out, ripped it to shreds and still shows no mercy. It has carved twisting scars into my mind and sullied my sanity. It is going to torment me until time itself ends.
The wounds it has inflicted are too great to ever heal. It has destroyed me.
Someone I loved more than anything in the world did this to me. They tricked me and betrayed me. Led me into a trap with a smile. Condemned me to a fate worse than death and I shall never ever be the same again.
Every single thing I have suffered since that moment pales in insignificance to the agony of their betrayal.
I can’t shy away from it any longer. The knowledge was buried deep inside of me. Festering. Poisoning everything. And now, like an abscess, it has burst. I wish I could ignore and deny it for longer. Drift far away and pretend it never happened. But this is the dark price to pay for being brought back towards sanity. Memories are going to start reasserting themselves.
Mal pulls me back down to lie against his naked chest. He holds me. I wail and sob and even scream my pain. But he just holds me with endless patience and soothing sounds.
Eventually, exhaustion overrides my human body and sleep claims me once more.
I awake with sticky eyes and a dry throat. Mal is still holding me. He presses a glass of cold water to my lips and I gulp it down eagerly. My head hurts. But mentally I feel clear. A little hollow and spent. But cleansed.
Rational thoughts come rushing in to fill the vacuum, and I sit up with a gasp.
“Lello!” I cry out.
“Is fine,” reassures Mal. “The kelpies had their asses handed to them.”
While I lay down here having a breakdown. I glare balefully at Mal. He stares back at me. There is only concern in his beautiful eyes. No disgust or disappointment. A little pity, but I can cope with that.
“Want to see for yourself?” he asks.
I nod. It’s not that I think he is lying. It’s just that I want to see that Lello is safe and well with my own eyes. Then perhaps this guilt at not helping him could be eased.
A short while later, I’m standing in the healer’s study. Lello is a blanket-wrapped bundle sitting on Carter’s lap. There is a nasty looking cut on the little kelpie’s head.
“See,” says Mal. “Lello is fine.”
I’m not sure fine is the right word. But he is alive and only slightly harmed. The house is swarming with people. The Grand Master has sent reinforcements. So Lello is safe now.
No thanks to me. I could have ended the invaders with little more than a thought. Lello didn’t need to get hurt or scared.
“I’m okay, Gray, just a cut on my head. Do you want to see?” says Lello.
I nod and inch forward cautiously. I don’t have much faith in Brodie’s abilities as a healer, so I need to check, but getting close to Lello and Carter is surely a bad idea. They have to be furious with me.
Slowly I make my way up to Lello. I stop with several inches between us and sniff at Lello’s wound. It is already healing well with no sign of infection.
“See? I’m fine,” says Lello with a bright smile.
I nod and dart back to hide behind Mal’s large body.
“He wanted to help in the fight but had a panic attack,” explains Mal.
Lello smiles again. “It’s okay to get scared. I get scared all the time, and they were a lot meaner to you, for a lot longer.”
How in the world is anyone so very lovely, kind and forgiving? I should have protected him. He more than deserves it. But I didn’t. And I probably won’t in the future. I’m a weak, broken failure.
I hate this. I hate who I have become. And there is not a thing I can do about it.
“Come on Gray, let’s give these two some privacy,” says Mal.
