It’s not really, but I can see how it is a useful frame of reference for him.
The knife moves minutely against my skin. I hold my breath. My life isn’t flashing before my eyes so maybe it’s all going to be okay, or maybe that’s all just a myth. Maybe you see nothing when you die.
“It wasn’t a punishment?” he asks.
Fuck, that feels like a stab in the heart. My guts want to heave. If he thinks that, no wonder he wants to kill me. I can’t imagine being lost in a heat while thinking someone was putting you through that on purpose. Heats are incredibly enjoyable for both parties, but they are extremely intense. Fitz thinks I put a spell on him so I could enjoy his body and mock his needs whilst getting my revenge? Shit, I almost want to kill myself for making him believe that.
“No!” I say trying to put all my horror at the thought into my voice and all my sincerity into my eyes.
He winces and adjusts his grip on the knife. He is leaning over me whilst being stark naked and for once he doesn’t seem awkward about it. I wonder if he has gotten over it or is no longer bothered because we just had copious amounts of sex, or if it is simply because he is currently too focused on being in murder mode.
I hold his gaze steadily. He is not killing me, but he is not letting me go. Time is paused. The universe is holding her breath, waiting for the outcome. We can’t freeze like this in tableau forever. Something has to happen.
“Why do you want to kill me?” I ask and wince. It’s a stupid idea to remind him of his reasons. Of all the things I could have thought of to say, my dumbass has to come up with the worst possible idea.
“I’ve never lost a mark, I’m not going to start now!” he snarls.
His words sting. Is that still all I am to him, after everything? Just a mark he found in a nightclub. Prey that he is still hunting. A competition that he cannot fail.
“Why not?” I ask with a calm I do not feel. Perhaps if I get him to think about why he is so fixated on this mark stuff, I can talk him around.
“I can’t lose a mark!”
“Why,” I insist.
His eyes grow even more frantic, “I will be punished!” he wails.
My heart breaks. I can actually feel it cracking and falling apart. It physically hurts. Those four words say so very much. Poor, poor Fitz. Those vile hunters have been tormenting him for years. Probably since he was a helpless pup. None of this is his fault. I’ve been blaming him for things outside of his control. He is a victim of hunters just as much as I am.
“Punished by whom?” I ask gently. “They are all dead.”
Because I killed them the night Fitz met me. I murdered everyone he had in his life and stole him away from everything he knew, to keep him imprisoned with people that he had always been taught were monsters. He has every right to hate me.
Tears fill Fitz’s eyes and his bottom lip trembles. Yeah, they may have been assholes but reminding him that I’m the one who killed the only people he knew, probably wasn’t the best move. I’m really not handling this well at all. But then again, I really don’t have much experience in talking people out of trying to kill me. Thank fuck. Can’t say I’m a fan of it.
The knife falls to the floor with a heavy thud. And Fitz covers his face with both his hands and sobs silently, but his slender shoulders are heaving. I swallow over my tight throat and blink away my own tears. My arms reach out and pull him into a bear hug, making him lie on top of me and smooshing him against my chest. He stiffens for a moment and then melts into my embrace as huge sobs wrack his body.
I run my hands soothingly along his back and hold him. I’m comforting the man who just tried to murder me, but nothing has ever felt more right. My wolf is actually happy with me for a change and it feels damn good to be at peace with all parts of myself.
I let out a deep contented sigh and adjust my position a little to get comfortable. I’m going to hold Fitz for a long time, hopefully forever.
Chapter twenty-three
Fitz
Idon’twanttowake up but consciousness is calling. Reluctantly I open my eyes. Jake’s mesmerizing brown eyes are regarding me intently. We are lying side by side in his bed, our naked chests pressed together. His warm arms are wrapped around me.
Shit, I fell asleep on him. After crying like a baby all over him. He must think I’m a complete idiot.
Morning light is streaming through his window. I take a deep breath. The night is over, it’s time to face consequences. My heat thing has gone and Jake has no reason to keep me here.
“Is it time to go back to the basement?” I ask.
Oh wow. My voice actually sounds calm, this is amazing. I might actually be able to hold on to some dignity. That would be nice.
Jake winces. “Are you going to try to kill me and escape again?”
My heart thuds. “No, but you have no reason to believe that.”
