I hadn’t cared. I hadn’t thought to ask. And not because of any communication difficulties. I’d merely seen a hot incubus and not cared about anything else. Then I’d grown deeply fond of him but it still hadn’t crossed my mind. I had seen only what I wanted to see.
He could be a millennium or two old, or… I looked at him in my sister’s arms, sucking his thumb. A montage of images flooded through my mind. Jinx playing with Daisy, Jinx adoring dressing up, Jinx sticking his tongue out at me. Jinx and that blasted chocolate cake. Jinx spitting out wine everywhere because he didn’t like the taste.
He had been so scared and clueless when he had turned up in my room. I’d thought it was all because he was new to the human realm. When it could have been something else. Being forced into a human body would give him needs he would be driven to feed. Whether he understood them or not. Whether he was old enough for them or not.
All but dropping Daisy on the bed, I whirled and ran to the bathroom. Making it just in time to puke my guts up into the toilet. The contents of my stomach kept coming and coming and I didn’t think it would ever stop.
Chapter seventeen
Itdideventuallystop,and after dry heaving for a while, I was able to leave the bathroom. Shaking, dizzy and weak, I had to wander around my house until I found Jinx, Ezme and Daisy in the guest room. Jinx was sitting on the bed, hugging his knees. He was watching Daisy coloring but his eyes were dull.
I hovered by the door but as soon as Jinx saw me he whimpered and dropped to the floor, curling up in a ball.
Ezme glared at me. “Get out!”
I backed up a few steps.
“Since he can’t leave your side because of the collar, Daisy and me are going to stay the night in here with him.”
“Thank you,” I whispered forlornly.
Ezme huffed in displeasure. “It’s not for you. It’s for him. He saved Daisy’s life.”
He had. At great risk to himself. Pishachas were vicious. I never would have thought an incubus would win a fight with one. Jinx had somehow managed it and I had repaid him with cruelty. After taking advantage of him five minutes after meeting him and continuing to use him. I’d done nothing to him but cause him harm. He wasn’t the monster, I was.
Silently, I walked away. How on earth was I going to fix all my mistakes? I’d never fucked up so badly in my life. It figured that the first person I’d ever truly cared about, would be the very same person who I destroyed the most. It was just the sort of spectacular disaster that I was capable of.
Somehow I needed to untangle this mess. Jinx needed to be safe and happy. He was bound to me by the collar, so I needed to work around that. I prayed that it wasn’t an insurmountable problem. I yearned to make amends for all the wrong I had done to him. I yearned for that with a desire that far surpassed anything I had ever felt before. I wasn’t usually one for regret or remorse. Jinx had done this to me. He had made me a better person. I had repaid him with abuse.
Despite being fully aware of the horrors of my actions, I was still filled with selfishness. Yes, I wanted to fix things for Jinx’s sake, but also my own. I wanted him to forgive me. I wanted him to be the right age. I needed everything to go back to the way it was because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. I needed him. If I had lost him, there was going to be a giant Jinx shaped hole in my life and my heart. Forever.
Shivering, I headed for my study. I needed my books and access to the dark web, for I had a lot of research to do. Though in my heart I doubted either would have the answer on how to determine the true age of an incubus or how to win back a demon’s trust. Or what the hell I was going to do if he was too young.
Several hours later I headed for the kitchen with blurry eyes. Coffee, I needed more coffee. As I staggered into the kitchen, I found Ezme stirring something on the stove.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Making your sex slave some hot chocolate.”
Her words hit me in the gut harder than a sucker punch. I stood there winded and devastated. There was nothing to say to that. After a few moments of silence, she looked up at me. I must have looked awful, because she winced and paled.
“I’m sorry, you know me, I’ve never been able to turn my bitch mode off,” she said. “I know your just stupid and not a creep.”
My eyes watered annoyingly. Her understanding felt like a huge weight lifting off of my shoulders. If she could forgive me, maybe I was worth forgiving. Maybe she thought I could undo all the wrong I had done. Undo all the harm I had done to Jinx.
“How is he?” I asked hoarsely.
“Better,” she said, and I’d never heard a more beautiful word.
“Anything I can do?” I asked, as she poured the hot chocolate into a mug.
She glanced at me briefly as she passed by. “Fix it.”
As I stood alone in the kitchen, I watched her leave. I was trying. I was going to keep trying. I would never stop trying. Whether or not I succeeded, was another matter.
The sound of the guest room door opening and shutting echoed down the hall as I walked up to the coffee machine. Jinx had never had hot chocolate before. I should have given him some. He was going to love it. His eyes were going to light up. He was going to give that huge goofy grin of his. He was going to slurp it all down far too fast. I wanted to watch. The sudden urge to run into the guest room was so strong I had to grip the counter to stop myself.
Ezme was a mom, she would have known not to make it too hot. She would do a far better job of looking after him than I ever had. What had I been thinking? I’d never even managed to keep a pot plant alive before. I knew this about myself. It was why I didn’t have any cats even though I adored them. I damn well knew I couldn’t be trusted with the responsibility of another living being. Yet, I had pigheadedly ignored all that because I had wanted Jinx.
