“What’s so funny?” He tries to hide his own grin. “I know I’m really messed-up.”
I shake my head, trying to catch my breath. “No… four weeks. I should be dead in four weeks.” I laugh some more. “Oh, hell… Ineedto be dead in four weeks.” It’s pure exhilaration when hysteria takes over. “I’m about out of money. I have nojob. I left my fiancé. My dad is in prison. And I’ll be homeless in four weeks.” I hold up my hand. “Come on, Nolie,” I giggle out of control. “High-five for terminal cancer.”
His eyebrows pull together. I hate that.
Regret.
He has no reason to feel regretful. We shame ourselves way too much for our most raw and true feelings. I hop out when he refuses to give me a high five.
“Scarlet?”
I continue walking and laughing all the way to the entrance. Something snapped in my brain, and I can’t stop laughing.
Death I can accept. Life I can live. It’s the in between, the whiplash of emotions, that’s taking my last shred of sanity.
“Scarlet…” Nolan grabs my arm a second before I open the door.
In this very moment, I know he feels everything I’m feeling. I might not feel it like he does, but I see it in his eyes. My smile fades, and as if someone flipped a switch, I fall to pieces in his arms.
I don’t want this. Dying shouldn’t be this hard.
“Shh…” he whispers in my ear.
“I-I’m so scared.”
“I know.”
I’ve questioned Nolan’s extraordinary ability to sense things up until this point, but right now I believe he does know. He knows I’m not afraid of dying—I’m afraid of living.
*
Nolan drops meoff at the house. I don’t say much because there really isn’t anything to say. The two oncologists didn’t havemuch to say either. Theo’s truck is in the drive. I’m not ready to face him, but life doesn’t seem to care about readiness.
I open the door and stop as soon as I look up. “Hey.”
Theo leans against the threshold to the kitchen, tatted arms crossed over his chest, hair pulled back. He doesn’t say anything, and that’s okay because all these emotions that have been denied, rejected, even passed off for another lifetime, are ready to explode.
“I have something to say.” My heart wants out of my chest. I can barely breathe as it tries to escape. My voice shakes, even my hands won’t stop trembling as I fist them. “I came here in search of peace. I came here to find something true about my existence. I came here to…” I blink and my emotions crumble. “I came here to die.”
Theo doesn’t even blink.
“I had terminal cancer, they gave me six months to live.”
He blinks. It’s something. His gaze moves from me to the floor between us. What is he thinking?
I can’t stop and wait. I have to say this. “I saw the doctor today, and he said it was stage one. It’s crazy. They think it had to be a misdiagnosis, but I had three different oncologists confirm my terminal cancer diagnosis. It’s going away. I left my life—Iendedmy life in London. I broke off my engagement. I said goodbye to my dad. I sold everything and left it to Daniel. In a few weeks, I’m going to be broke and homeless.”
“You need money.” His eyes meet mine.
I flinch. “What? No… I mean, yes, but that’s not my point.”
He shakes his head. “Then it doesn’t matter. Go home.”
I step closer. He stiffens. I stop.
“Don’ttell me it doesn’t matter.” I grit my teeth as more tears spill down my cheeks. “We—”
“There is no we. Go home. Go get married. Go live happily ever after.”
