My relationship with her felt a little more settled, but I still had unresolved emotions stirring around inside of me. I had an icky feeling when I thought about Marcus, and I wished I had done things differently with him. This whole morning had been a disorienting whirlwind. I felt that I had been making good choices at the time, but now I regretted everything I had done. It wasn't that I regretted breaking things off with Marcus… it was just the way I had done it. I felt embarrassed at the memory of things I had said.
And in the middle of all this thinking about my sister and Luna and Marcus and Colorado, there was Alex. Somehow, my mind kept going back to him. I was scared to go toward him and felt sick at the thought of going away.
I went to the Bible.
I did a word search to look for the biblical word for what I was feeling, and I found it used once in the New Testament. It was the feeling of timidity and cowardice that I wanted to overcome, and the word was translated as 'fear'. That word for fear corresponded with one verse in the Bible.
It was 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear (timidity or cowardice) but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
It was 2pm that day when I found that verse. I was alone—my sister had gone to the store. I had read it before, many times. I read it last year when I came to Montana. I had read it other times when I needed bravery. But this time, the verse hit me differently.
I felt burning hot tears sting my eyes the moment the words entered my heart that day. I felt a weight off my chest when I realized that I could just live free and be happy and not give myself over to the feelings of fear.
In that moment, I knew that my confusion, my fear, my duplicity, they weren't from God. I felt sudden freedom when I realized that I wasn't in bondage to being a coward. With God in me, I could operate in power and strength and a sound mind. It was a supernatural truth, a Biblical promise that sank in, and in an instant, I was changed.
My mind was changed.
I was changed.
I heard the words from another verse in my mind as my chest ached with conviction and assurance.For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as the division of soul and spirit…
It was like a heavy blanket had been lifted from me. I could shake away fear and dread, knowing they weren't from God. I could operate in power, love, and a sound mind.
I closed my Bible with a completely different perspective than when I opened it. I marveled at the fact that I was a long-time Christian, and I still got basic truths revealed to me all the time. I thanked God for His patience and supernatural power, and I went into the living room feeling like a new person.
I knew that if I went to see Alex again, I wouldn’t tell him about my fears. I knew I wouldn't tell my sister about my fears. The fear and confusion didn't exist anymore, honestly. Those feelings weren't from God, and they weren't mine to bear. I could be free from all that. I was free. And I was so thankful.
I still didn’t have a plan for my life. I still didn't know how long I would stay in Montana. But now I was living for the moment. I was living right then, and there was so much joy and pleasure in that. I truly felt like a physical weight had been lifted off my shoulders, like the sky was bluer than usual.
My phone rang within a minute after I had left that room.
I felt excitement when I saw Alex's name.
I started to feel nervous when I thought about how I had acted the last time we talked, but then I told myself not to let that fear in.
"Hello?" I said, a smile in my voice.
"Hey, how was your morning?"
"Good," I said. "I've been having a good day. What about you?"
"Yeah, we've been working on rehearsing a scene for tonight. I still have quite a few extras out here, so it's been busy."
"Is it in that same building?"
"No, we're outside, at the camp. We're working on some of the rehearsals in the building, though."
"I didn't know you had so many extras out there still."
"It's the ones we work with more often—the travelers. They're out here with us quite a bit, actually. Your boy, James, is here."
"Oh, that's cool."
"Would you want to come watch?"
"Yes," I said. I smiled because it felt so wonderfully uncomplicated to just respond with one word and leave it at that with no doubt or reservation.
"Great," he said. "When?"
