My chest wells with pain as I think I regret not bringing my old one. I didn’t realize how much I relied on staring at the shell of a sea turtle every morning. Their shell is something I always envied. What I’d give to have that for myself. They’re slow creatures, and yet survive. Endure. They don’t need things or claws to defend themselves.
I wipe the sticky hair from my face, eyeing the plain, gray foreign mug in my hands that’s filled with tea. I want to beg my dead family for help and guidance, but I know it won’t get me anywhere.
Alone.
I faintly cry, not out of fear but just pure exhaustion. I grip the handle harder, trying to focus. I can’t believe a stupid mug is making me feel this way, forcing in memories of my brother sneaking the old mug into my bag with a note inside when he realized I was going to run for it, one I’ve since lost?—
My body freezes as emotions roll in like a storm, the skies of my mind darkening as I remind myself to remain on high alert, which means my heart has to be sealed.
Ihaveto fight for my freedom since I’m still alive. I’m far from being done with this life, and as long as I’m unmarked…
My heart is just so damn heavy.
Remaining unmarked seems like a dream I know wouldn’tlast forever. What do I do now? It’s been a week at Trinity, and I’m just waiting for this damn heat to get here so Selene and I can move on.
As much as I miss the mug, I do remember why I left it.
Time will make it easier to forget as long as I don’t have any mementos.
“Okay,” I say out loud to myself, the action helping me focus. “Okay.” I rise from the cot only to go onto my knees in front of the only window, to an area that some might see as an altar.
It’s just a few candles that I carved the omega sign into.
Sometimes, people spoke as if the ancient gods were what made humans this way. That even the omegas have a deity. But the lore seems to have died along with modernity, the rest lying dormant in a book somewhere. It’s a ritual my mom used to do, and as long as I’m an omega, it brings comfort. “So,” I say, speaking to the candles like they contain the wisps of my mother’s ghosts. “I don’t know if this helps with anything or not, but here it goes. I have accepted that my life has given me very few options. I have been lucky to escape more than one close encounter.” My soul feels like I’m cleaning something out. “I cannot run forever. And if I do?—”
I pause. I know that going to the Witch Doctor on the Black Mirage is my only option now, but as I get closer to making it a reality, it somehow makes me the saddest. It’s like I have to literally sell my soul for safety when I shouldn’t have to. When I don’twantto.
That disturbing dream just now may have been the hormones, but I know it’s about something much deeper. I want to live the romance Iknowcan exist. The omega in me craves safety and protection, when all I’ve known is fight or flight. I glance down at my hands, knowing the real truth is that I’llneverbe safe in this world. “I think I’m scared to find the Black Mirage, because what if I get two days south and an alpha finds and bites my neck? Then I’m stuck, and once stuck, I don’tknow where I’m going to get more suppressants if it’s not from somewhere like here. Or, what if I mate with a wonderful man and Dominion kills him just to take me?” My hands wipe at my face multiple times as if to remove a stain. “I wanthelp,” I continue. “I don’t know if I believe in anything, but I needhelp.”
Nothing.
Silence.
I stand with a heavy exhale. Even if I get no answer, it helps a little to say that all out loud. It’s all true. I have absolutely nowhere to turn. I just know as soon as an alpha bites my scent gland and that bond solidifies… I’m a goner. Living without him will be like a forest trying to breathe without the sun.
This is all necessary.
Ihaveto amputate this part of me.
I cannot love another just for them to die. It will absolutely break me to experience that again.
With all of that weighing on my heart, I allow myself to genuinely cry for the first time in a very long time, missing mytruehome. Missing a family long gone from this world.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
“Great. Bet there’s mold.” I look up at the water dripping down from the ceiling, the wet droplets falling dramatically below. Selene glances up, the two of us in a small common space at Trinity that’s more like a break room. “Yeah, that’s definitely going to be moldy.”
I sigh, looking for something in one of the cabinets, finding a bow,l and bringing it to where it drips so the moldy water doesn’t keep splashing all over the table.
Another thing I’m exhausted from? Doing everything myself, including tending to this. The toilet paper holderloosens, and now a hole needs to be patched? That’s right—I had to do it. Nomanto help. The chores that piled up, the dishes in the sink, the clothes that need washing, the broken window that needs replacing, the job I do to keep me safe—allme.
Even escaping Judge is a part of that list.
Iprotected myself.
After all those emotions from this morning, I’m now just feeling pissed that I seriously never got to live the life of an omega.
I slide back into my seat with a shiver, staring at my tea that’s losing its heat.
