Steel felt like there was a boulder on his chest preventing him from breathing. “I did. You needed me, and I wasn’t there.” His voice sounded like he’d taken sandpaper to his throat.
“Which is selfish,” Jenna argued, shaking her head. “You had a right to mourn her as you needed to, too.”
Steel’s jaw tightened. “I didn’t mourn her. I haven’t. I’ve spent weeks hunting down her murderer, and I still haven’t accepted it. I see her grave, I picked out hercoffin,” his voice cracked, “I watched her be lowered into the ground… And I still haven’t accepted it.” He cleared his throat while blinking hard. “I did what I had to do, Jen. I don’t regret what I did. I got her justice in a way the law wouldn’t have. And yet… I think a part of me thought somehow that would make me feel better, like ending his life would somehow get me to accept her murder without suffering through the pain.”
“I don’t think our suffering will ever end. Maybe it’ll lessen. Maybe one day we’ll wake up and be able to think of the good times without it feeling like our hearts are being ripped from our chests by that spider monster fromStranger Things. Maybe one day we’ll think of the hole in our hearts and thoughts of her will be enough to fill it.” Jenna put a shaky hand on his cheek. “But it won’t be today, and it won’t be tomorrow.”
Steel used his thumb to wipe the tears from her cheek again. “You have a right to hate me. I can handle your anger, Jen. I can handle you blaming me for Melanie’s death for the rest of our lives. What I can’t handle is you telling me to go. I came back for you, because there’s nowhere else in this world that I belong.”
“You talk as if you think I’m going to hand you divorce papers.” Her voice lowered slightly as she added, “And I don’t blame you for her death.”
Steel winced. “I would understand if you did on both counts.”
“Baby, you’re stuck with me. I can’t survive this world without you, and I don’t want to.” The absolution in her voice lifted the boulder off his chest. “You’re my ride or die, remember.”
Hedid, but that also wasn’t what she’d said a minute ago. “You said ‘were’ before.”
Jenna’s eyes flew away from his. “Melanie’s death changes things, Jack. And as much as I tried to ignore what Iknowyou are going to do when I finally go, you can’t anymore.”
They’d never actually discussed this out loud, but it didn’t surprise him that she knew. He’d put his affairs in order the same time they’d reevaluated their Will to include Ollie after her diagnosis. Their assets would be split four ways, giving each of their children an equal share.
Now it would default back down to three.
“Saying you’re my ‘ride or die’ isn’t supposed to be so literal, Jack. And before…” Her voice cracked, her eyes remaining fixated on Melanie’s gravestone. “I could delude myself into thinking it was okay because the kids would have each other. Carter has Lucy and Drewanda new baby soon, Jordan has his music and his friends, and Melanie and Ollie had each other plus the club. I need you to swear to me, Jack, regardless of when my end comes, that you won’t follow me. That you’ll stay forthembecause they’ll no longer have her. Or me,” Jenna added, like she’d forgotten she was talking about her own death. “I need to know that they’ll still have you, no matter what.”
Steel reached for Jenna’s chin. He tipped her head back to face him, though her eyes were a second slower to meet his. “I won’t promise you that, because I can’t. This world,” he gestured around them, “means nothing without you.”
“But our kids?—”
“Are adults,” he interrupted her sternly. “Ollie’s young, yes, but he’ll be eighteen in a little over a year. He has the club morethan Carter, Jordan, or Melanie did. Hell, those first few years when we were building the club, some of the guys didn’t even believe wehada daughter because she hid away in her room so much. It took years for her to have the relationships with her aunts, uncles, and cousins within the club that Ollie cultivated almost immediately.” Steel paused for a second, trying to get his words correct. “I love our kids, both living and gone from this world. And I’m not saying that our kids don’t need us. For the rest of the time that we have on this earth, they’ll get all the love, support, and guidance from us. And you and me? We’ll fix what I broke when I left you. We’ll find our new way, because there are no other alternatives for us. And afterwards?” His chest started to feel heavy again, because even knowing it was coming, the very idea of Jenna’s death was unthinkable to him. “The last thing you’ll see in this world, Jenna, will be my face, the last words you’ll hear are me telling you how much I love you, and the last thought you’ll have when you pass from this world is the knowledge that I’ll soon be following you.”
The next severalweeks werehard, to say the least. Jenna continued to do her exercises each day, Steel worked on patching up his relationship with Ollie, and together, they worked on finding their new normal. There were a lot of tears, sleepless nights, some challenging silences, and even more tears.
Steel tried to stay away from the clubhouse, letting members come to him and Jenna rather than interfering with club business. The more time that passed, the more Steel kept thinking about Papaw’s words to him at that colonial home in Philly. Ghost could never be the President this club needed him to be if he reigned from Steel’s shadow.
One night in May, an idea came to Steel, and it was one that he couldn’t quite let go of once it took hold.
“What are you looking at?” Jenna asked him that night.
Steel was sitting up in bed with his socked feet crossed at the ankle. He had on a pair of pajama bottoms after dressing Jenna in his matching button-down top. Now that he was back, he’d fully taken over Jenna’s care and hygiene needs. While they didn’t say it, Steel knew that both Lilly and Jenna were grateful for this. And as he’d told her once before, he was the only one allowed to perform a panty check on his wife.
Jenna loved the page-turner remote Steel had gotten her for her Kindle. He’d also recently gotten her a body pillow that looked like a giant marshmallow man with an oblong hole in the center. No doubt the surviving Gavigan brothers knew or suspected that Steel had taken Kelly’s and Eoin’s fortunes. It was too big of a coincidence otherwise. Steel didn’t mean to leave that extra angst on Ghost’s shoulders, but he had every intention of using Melanie’s murderers’ money to help fund her mother’s healthcare needs.
And there was a good chance that the Gavigan brothers were too scared to come after the club after seeing what Steel had done to their father, brother, and two of their employees. Seamus might have killed the other four execution style, but that was a quick, almost merciful, death in comparison. Not that Seamus was a coward, but he probably didn’t want to be dragged behind a motorcycle either.
Steel tilted his iPad towards her.
Jenna’s legs were twitching under the sheets as she had massaging compression boots on to help with her circulation. Their new bedroom, the old den, was a bit smaller than their master upstairs had been, so her chair had to remain outside the room or there would be no direct path for Steel around their bed. Getting to the other side of Jenna in case of an emergencywas more important than her chair sitting empty beside her bed, especially when Jenna didn’t have the strength to get herself in and out of it on her own.
Curiosity hit her, sending her eyebrows up to nearly her hairline. “Really?”
“Do you think I’m crazy?” Steel asked her, a little nervous.
“Yes, but you make crazy look sexy.” She carefully dropped the remote to her page-turner device in the tall basket by her bedside. “Bring it over here. I want to see.”
Steel scooted closer, careful of the wires that connected the leg massagers to the power outlet. He lay the back of his head down on her left breast, bringing her arm over his chest as he held the iPad up so both could see the screen.
As he flipped through the gallery, Jenna asked, “Is this permanent? What about Ollie?”
