I can’t believe we’re having this talk. I can’t believe that of all people, it’s Liliana who wants to lecture me about this.
“So you think I should forgive my father. Is that what you’re saying?”
“I couldn’t care less about your father.” The hazel brown of her eyes soften again. “You should forgive your siblings for getting the better end of the stick when you were kids, even if it wasn’t their fault. Then, you need to forgive yourself for misjudging them for so long. Especially Locke.”
She means well. I can hear it in the gentle tone of her voice. I think, with some logic, what she’s saying makes sense. I loathe my siblings for having the life I wanted growing up.
When I consider that maybe, I’ve been unfair to carry that resentment into adulthood, embarrassment gets thrown into the mix of emotions.
With that, and the confusion of what this all means, it fans the flames of my anger. It’s too much to handle. My voice comes out curt and sharp.
“I can’t do this. It’s really starting to piss me off.”
“Don’t even.” She holds up her hand to stop me but my thoughts are taking off. “I want to be understanding of the fact that this is sensitive for you but your tone is teetering on harmful. Don’t take it out on me.”
I know she’s right. It’s Locke’s face I see in my anger but sensibility is waning. I try to distract myself by digging my nails into my palm, but it does nothing
“I’m your boyfriend. You’re my girlfriend. When things went bad for you, before we were even dating, I was happy to help. I looked forward to it! When it comes to this, and my family, you’re supposed to choose to support me. Not babying my half-brother like everybody else and making me out to be a bad guy.”
Lily shuts her eyes and takes a deep, harrowing breath. She holds it for seconds that feel like hours before breathing out.
“I do not think you’re the bad guy. I think you were both put in a bad situation by your father and it made you resentful. That’s okay.”
Her mouth is still moving, still talking, but I’ve already decided what I want to say.
“You’re empathizing with him instead of your own boyfriend. When I helped you with your assignment, there was no question about whether I wanted to be there for you. I’m not wrong for expecting the same thing.” I scoff and mumble the rest. “I basically wrote the entire story for you and you’re still treating me like this.”
“Oh my gosh!” Liliana’s level voice breaks. I wince when she hastily marches over to her tote bag on the table. She walks back while rummaging through it. “This isn’t about me being ungrateful! I care about you because of who you are, not what you did for me, and I want you to have a support system with people who understand you, so you won’t be alone in everything. You’re being too stubborn to realize you’ve been blaming your siblings for your father’s mistakes.”
Her words sting. I can feel them crawling everywhere—down my spine, into my chest, up and around my neck. I choke on the feeling that she sees something different about my family, and about me.
Her hand finally emerges from the bag, holding a pink USB I’ve seen at least once every few days since we’ve reconnected. She tosses the bag carelessly next to Clem’s gift bag on the table and almost knocks it over.
“Here.” She flicks the USB at me but I’m too focused on her expression to see where it lands. Her eyes are blazing now, devoid of the patience she previously gave me. “If you’re going to use the damn assignment against me, you can have it. This isn’t about that, and our relationship is built on more than that. I’m not your girlfriend because you helped me pass a class.”
Her voice cracks. The air changes. This has escalated past an argument. I’ve hurt her. Lily’s chest is rising and falling with rapid breaths and she’s mindlessly pulling at the hem of my t-shirt she’s wearing.
Seeing her so distressed, my anger starts to settle. Left behind are the confused frustration and bitter words I’ve said. Regret starts to take its place.
“I’m sorry. That was fucked up of me to say.”
“I didn’t know you felt so strongly about helping me with the story.”
“I-” I almost tell her I don’t, which would be a lie. “I loved helping you with it. It brought us together. The anger is just making me unreasonable right now.”
Lily takes her seat next to me again. The calmness I usually feel around her is still absent, but us not leaning away from one another is bringing my heart closer to its normal rate.
“I swear, I only have your best interests at heart.”
My hand feels naturally pulled towards her, wanting to close the space and physically touch her. Let her know I’m still here with her. My mind, though, wonders if it’s okay to do that.
I deflate into the couch. Since when do I wonder if it’s okay to hold my girlfriend?
“This went too far.”
“Yeah.”
We sit in silence for what feels like forever. The entire time, I’m thinking about Keller’s hold on me and the unresolved issues he’s brought into my life. They’ve affected me in places I haven’t even considered, including here.
