“I’ll tell you a bit—just a small amount—of what we discussed.” I glance back at her quickly before trying to play it off. Annoyance doesn’t fade that easily. “Billie, in so many words, told me that she really admires you. And that she’s happy to have you as her older brother. That’s one of the reasons I want you two to talk.”
Liliana’s hazel eyes are loving and kind despite my mood. It’s not like her to be insincere, and there’s no clues that what she’s saying is anything but genuine.
Confusion takes over every part of me.
“What do you mean?”
“I really can’t tell you everything. It’s personal and I promise it’ll sound better coming from her. But she really sees you as her brother, Grant, and her life isn’t as perfect as you think it is.”
My chest aches. I used to imagine what kind of life Keller had with his other kids. What he did for them on the days he was too busy to visit me, and how he celebrated their biggest accomplishments when mine weren’t important enough.
My mind goes back to the last two interactions I’ve had with Billie. The way she folded into herself when Keller side eyes her a certain way. How she jumps to defuse tension as soon as she senses it, like she’s been programmed to do so.
Those moments are a stark black and white against the colorful fairy tale I’ve drawn her into.
I scratch the back of my head and look to the floor.
“She said that?”
“Yes!” This time, Liliana’s voice raises in excitement, not bitterness. “No one knows what it’s like to be Keller McCarthy’s children except for you guys. It’s not exactly the same, I know, but they can understand you more than anyone else in the world.”
My heart warms for a second. There was only one person on this planet who came close to knowing what it was like beingtossed to the side by Keller: My mother. And when I lost her, I lost that sense of comfort, too.
It's nice to think someone can connect to me on that level, even just a little bit. I almost award myself the relief of thinking I found that, if the only thing I had to do was be open to a conversation with Billie.
But there are more than two McCarthy children.
“They?”
Billie, maybe, I can handle. It’s believable that Keller didn’t afford her the attention she needed, or the patience she deserves. If that’s the case, though, my brain immediately assumes it’s because he’s too busy fawning over his favorite child.
“Locke is in the same boat as Billie. He’s not the type of person you think he is.” My face scrunches impossibly tight. “Actually, I would say that Locke is who you should talk to the most.”
“You spoke to him too?”
“Well, no.” She pats my knee again. “This is based on what Billie told me. You should talk to them both, eventually. But what she said about Locke makes me think that if you only talk to one, it should be him.”
I scoff and move away from her. A pained expression crosses over her features, and it affects me too. I don’t want to push her away, but my emotions continue to spiral the further into this conversation we get.
“You’re taking Locke’s side of things without even knowing anything about him.”
Her teeth grit together. “Again with the sides. I told you, the only side I’m on is yours.” She sits next to me on the couch. I scoot to the left, furthering the gap between us. “You’re jumping to conclusions about them and you know it. It’s not fair.”
It’s a punch straight to my gut. Rage wells up in the pit of my stomach. She wants to talk about fair? I can name more than a few things that were unfair about my life when compared to Locke’s.
Before I can recover from the hit, she keeps going.
“I say this with all the best intentions, but I think you have an issue with forgiving people.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
The tension is too thick. We’re falling further into territory I’ve never charted before. My heart is beating too fast, running away from me and my level-headed senses.
“You don’t forgive easily. Every time we talk about Derek, you get so angry even though you have no idea why he’s fallen off the face of the Earth. Even with yourself, I already forgave you for what happened in undergrad. But you felt like it still wasn’t enough.”
The laugh that escapes me is hollow and sarcastic. “Sorry for working so hard to earn your affection.”
“You already did earn it, Grant. I forgave you long before you wanted to forgive yourself.”
