He nodded slowly, frowning.
“The way I see it, it’s still non-consummation withyouif I sleep withsomeone else,right?”
“What?”That one word popped out like he’d taken a gut punch.
“Last night, I was just going through the motions to keep something fatal from happening to you. I didn’t expect that fake wedding to last a year. I want my life to change. Ineedmy life to be different in every way. Every,everyway.”
Nicolai’s hands curled into fists, crumpling the velvet duvet cover we were sitting on and the copper silk of my dress beside my thigh.
“I mean, there were a lot more guys at that party tonightthan girls. I counted, and it looked like two men for every woman. That whole nightclub was the male loneliness epidemic in miniature. Maybe I could go out with one of them. Maybe I’ll even end up with one of them, after we get divorced and annulled next summer.”
“No one, else,”Nicolai growled.
Whoa.I’d hit a nerve there. “Okay, but you’re not willing, at least forme,which is fine. I wouldn’t ever pressure anyone into anything they didn’t want to do. That’s not cool. Totally, not cool.”
Nicolai still didn’t move.
“Andyoucould have flings, too. Or relationships. Or call up your list of women you meet in hotels for a quick boink.”
His head-shake was quick, definitive. “Even with an annulment planned, I ammarriedto you. We’remarried.I won’t cheat.”
Those sleeper codes ran deep, the poor guy.
Mine did, too. “But this isn’t a real marriage. We aren’t going to end up together. It’s fake, and it’s only for a year. After that, we’ll be on our own. Apart.Alone.And I don’t want to end up alone.”
His body was rigid beside me, like his joints had locked up.
“I don’t want to live my life celibate anymore. I’m not going to settle for half a relationship, half a life. It’s not like one of us has a physical problem andcan’t.I’m not abandoning you in sickness or disability. You just don’t want to sleep withme.Maybe something is wrong with me. But for whatever reason, you don’t, and I respect your absolute right to not want to.”
“Lexi, no. There’snothingwrong with you.Don’tthink that.”
“This isn’t a real marriage. It was just a piece of paper and a ritual in a church.”
“It was a sacrament.” His voice sounded breathless.
“You’re not willing, and that’s okay.We aren’t really married,not forever, not for real, not for love, not in our hearts.Idon’t want to miss my whole lifewaiting.I already did that. I wasted so many years of mylife.I don’t want towaitanymore.”
He turned his head and stared straight at me, unblinking. His jaw bulged.“I’m willing.”
This was ridiculous. “No, youaren’t.You said you weren’t. I’m just trying to find a compromise.”
“I said, I’m willing.”
CHAPTER 22
willing
LEXI
Nicolai’s clenched tone didnotsound thrilled.
And I felt like a little creep.
Iwould notpressure anyone into boinking with me, ever. That was gross.
But I wondered what it was about me that made him refuse so easily, so ardently.
That made him want to write up a contract to make sure it was forbidden to take me to bed.
