Tanya’s heart felt like a hand had wrapped around it and was squeezing as hard as possible. Her lungs were closing off, and she sucked in short breaths in an attempt to breathe. She could feel the emotion bleeding from the pen onto the pages like blood from her own veins. Even if she hadn’t known Lisa, the words would have been etched on Tanya’s soul, as if they were somehow her own emotions reflected on the page.
The pen had been pressed so hard into the pages that Tanya could feel the indentations as she ran her finger across the paper. Had there been anyone there for Lisa to talk to besides the journal she’d written to God? Had there been a person for Lisa like she was for Tanya? She could picture a younger version of Lisa sitting in her room all alone, surrounded by the emptiness that had once been filled with the sound of her husband’s voice. Tanya could imagine how suffocating that might be. She pressed her hand to her chest as the ache dug deeper, all the way to her back, knocking the wind out of her. She was scared to turn the page. If that was Lisa being a smart-ass about her grief, then Tanya didn’t want to read a page where she’d been a sobbing mess, as her friend had written.
“Mother of pixies, Lisa,” Tanya snapped. “This is what you show me on today of all days? You couldn’t have shared this a few years ago, like ‘Hey, Tanya, look at this old as dirt book and all the things I’ve endured, and look how awesome I am despite what I’ve been through?’ Is that too much to ask?” Okay, so considering it was Tanya’s snooping that had brought the journal to light, it wasn’t really Lisa’s fault, but Tanya needed to be pissed because otherwise she’d just curl up in a ball on the floor.
Instead of turning the page, Tanya flipped through several more, jumping ahead in the journal. She stopped at random and read.
Dear God, It’s been a while. Life got busy. I found it easier to deal with my grief if I didn’t have to think. Honestly, writing to you sometimes just made it worse. Not because of you. I mean, I don’t believe that you did this. It’s just a part of life. Death is the beginning because the second we breathe, we begin to die. Some lives last longer than others, but each one has a purpose. I know that now. I’ve gone and become a nurse. That was challenging, but a good distraction. Sometimes I still cry occasionally, though it’s been three years since Toby passed. I used to think about him every day. But now, I have days that go by when I’m able to live life without his memory constantly haunting me. And the memories I do have are good ones that make me smile.
I’m coming to you for a different reason today. And I’m sorry that I’ve let it go this long. I’m not just stopping in to ask for something. Mostly, I just want to pour out the confusion I’m feeling. You see, I’ve become close to someone. I wasn’t looking for him. In fact, I didn’t think it was possible to love someone the way I loved Toby. I thought he was it for me, and my future was destined for either half-relationships where I settled for second best or that I would just be alone. Being alone appealed to me more than the former. But then, I was walking through the grocery store and bumped into this man. He was so apologetic and worried that he’d hurt me. He’s a lot bigger than I am, so it wasn’t a stretch that he could have hurt me. Long story short, that wasn’t the first time we ran into one another. Turned out that he works at the same hospital I do. He was new and worked on the south wing while I worked on the north.
It’s been a year since we started dating. I fell hard and fast, and I felt guilty, like there was this cancer inside of me—”
“Foreshadowing much, Lisa?” Tanya growled while her eyes stayed glued to the page, unbelieving of what she was reading. “I feel like I’m going to vomit.”
Was she talking to a dead woman? Yes? Did she care? Nope. Maybe she was going crazy. Tanya could handle crazy. What she wasn’t sure she could handle was just how much Lisa’s words were affecting her. She sighed and then continued reading.
His name is Charles, and I told him about Toby, of course. I wasn’t going to treat my first husband like a dirty secret. Charles was extremely understanding. I couldn’t comprehend how he wasn’t jealous or worried that I wouldn’t be able to love him the way I loved Toby. And believe it or not, me and my big mouth asked him all of this one night. It was like I was trying to get him to kick me to the curb. But you know what he said? I mean, you do, because you’re God. But I’m going to tell you, anyway.
He told me that one of the greatest gifts you gave humans was the ability to choose to love. It’s not forced on us. You don’t force us to love you, and yet you still love us. You’ve given us the capacity to have room in our hearts for more than one person. We don’t only love one of our children; we love all of them. Just because we care for one friend doesn’t mean we can’t care equally for another. Charles said it was the same for loving a partner. But that no matter how attracted or infatuated I might be with him, ultimately it would be my choice to love him. He asked me if Toby would want me to spend the rest of my life alone, in a constant state of grief over my loss of him. And I know the answer to that question is “No.” Toby would never be so selfish as to want that for me. So ultimately it came down to me. My choice to either decide that loving Charles would somehow be betraying Toby or accepting that I could love another and it didn’t take away from my time with my first husband.
I asked Charles how it made him feel to know that I loved someone before him, that I had memories and firsts that I wouldn’t be able to have with him. He said he wouldn’t have wished for me to be alone all the time before I was able to meet him. He said he was happy that I had someone to care for me and love me. How in the world did I find this man? Was it you? Did you send him to me?
I’ve decided that I can’t let my past determine my future. It will always impact the direction of my life, of course. But how I let it impact my life is up to me. I will take the lessons I learned in my first marriage and carry them over to this one. I will find joy in the fact that someone will choose to love me even though he wasn’t my first love. To be fair, I wasn’t his first love either. He dated a woman for a long time who said no to his proposal. Her loss. And no, I don’t hold that relationship or those feelings against him. It would be cruel to do so. Every experience in life shapes us into the person we are becoming. I want to be better than I was yesterday. I want my grief to become joy and my sorrow to be something I can use to help others who might find themselves in the same position. Such a time as this, right?
I’m grateful you gave me Toby. And I wouldn’t change those four years even though I lost him. I am also grateful for Charles and the future I have with him. Hopefully, I won’t go so long without sharing my life with you. One thing I have learned over the past year is that the best way to learn about love is from the one who created it to begin with. Though I have not written much to you, I have read my Bible. And if you can love me, despite all of my shortcomings, then I have the capacity to do the same, because you put that love in me. Help me know who it is that will need that love, who it is that I will one day share this story with. And thank you, God. Thank you for Toby and Charles and all the people who have loved me and showed me that I have room in my heart to love more than once with just as much fervor.
There were many more pages filled with writing. Tanya noticed that over the years the handwriting became less smooth, and toward the end it was nothing but chicken scratch. She envisioned Lisa, with her feeble hands, shaking as she wielded the pen, still wanting to share her thoughts with the God she obviously loved. Maybe later, a long time from now, Tanya would read more of those pages, but for now, she felt as if she’d been run through the ringer, beat with a stick, hung out in a storm, and pelted with sleet only to then be subjected to the blistering sun and burned to a crisp. In short, she felt like shit. “Thank you, Lisa. I totally needed that right now.”
What irked Tanya even more was that Lisa’s words were the truth. They were words Tanya needed to hear, or in this case, read. But that didn’t mean she wanted them. It was easier to consider Dillon the enemy. It was easier to think that he purposefully hurt her because then she didn’t have to face her own shortcomings. Was she so selfish that she would begrudge him love just because their kind were destined to have a soul mate? She’d like to say no. But the anger inside of her proved her to be a liar. It might never stop being taboo or unacceptable for any of their kind, male or female, to have a relationship with someone who wasn’t their true mate. But Tanya had to admit that it was harder on the males to refrain from taking a human partner. The darkness that lived inside of them would eventually turn their beasts into feral wolves. That must be a very difficult thing to face alone. They weren’t robots. The male Canis lupus couldn’t just turn their feelings off. And she didn’t believe that their own Creator would only give them the capacity to love one person. Maybe that love was very different from the love they would give their true mate, but did it honestly make them betrayers? What if she had fallen in love with a human male? Would she want her true mate to try to understand and forgive her, despite the inevitable feelings of betrayal?
She snorted and shook her head. Of course she would. It would destroy her to be rejected by the male created for her. No matter their past choices, their souls were meant for one another. And unlike humans, they would never be complete without each other.
Tanya set the journal beside her on the bed and ran a hand down her face as her head dropped so that her chin almost touched her chest. Her body was exhausted. Her mind, even more so. And her wolf longed for their mate to wrap her in his arms and tell her he was there. She wouldn’t go through tomorrow alone as she stood beside Lisa’s grave site and watched the casket being lowered into her eternal resting place.
As she lifted her head, her eyes widened, and she pushed herself up even straighter. Standing at the end of the bed was the Great Luna in all her glory. Tanya immediately slid from the bed and kneeled on the floor, bowing her head in reverence. “Creator,” she whispered as tears filled her eyes. The only thing better than her mate’s arms was her Creator’s.
“My child,” the Great Luna said, her voice full of compassion and love. “I feel your pain, and I ache with you. I created you to be with your one soul mate because strong bonds create strong families, which create a strong, healthy pack. I created your relationships to be committed through the Blood Rites which tie you together for life. Yes, you have the capacity to love others. But my best for you comes in the form of the one I’ve set apart for you. Does that mean you don’t forgive? Absolutely not.”
Warmth enveloped Tanya and her chest, which had been twisted tightly inside of her, loosened so she could breathe easier.
“Forgiveness is the greatest kind of love you can give another. But you see what has happened between you and my son, Dillon. Pain comes from stepping off my path for you. There are consequences of going your own way. But I can take those consequences and use them for good. There is nothing that I am surprised by. Dillon is no less yours now than he was before his decision. But it must be your choice to love him regardless of his past. Just as it must be his choice to be understanding of the pain his choices have caused you. Do you want bitterness to eat you out from the inside, touching all of those who come in contact with you? Or do you want grace and forgiveness to be your legacy for generations to come?”
Tanya lifted her head as she felt the Great Luna’s hand on her chin. Tears streamed down her eyes as the goddess lowered herself and pressed a kiss to Tanya’s head.
“Don’t turn away that gift I have given you because of pride. Build the life I have intended for you and see the great things that I will do with you and Dillon. I saw you before you were a thought in your parents’ minds. I planned your future, and it is for good and hope. Do not give that up so easily.”
The light filling the room faded, and Tanya covered her face as she wept. She wanted what her Creator had for her. She wanted to leave a legacy for generations that would be a blessing. Tanya would not let anger and bitterness be what ruled her.
“Dillon?” she called out through the bond. The weariness she’d felt earlier eased a bit after the Great Luna’s touch.
“I’m here.”
She took a deep breath. “Will you tell me about yourself?”
Tanya felt his relief but also his hesitation. He didn’t want to hurt her. She could feel his desperate need to protect her from anything, even himself.
“Please. I want to know the man I will spend my life with. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I assure you, I am not perfect. No matter how much I’d like to think I am.”
