“It is rare,” he replied. “We Canis lupus bond because our souls need one another to exist. The bond ensures we leave this life together. It guarantees one does not live without the other. It’s unnatural for our kind to be left on the earth without our true mate.” Here he paused a long moment. “Yet, here I am. You say it is tragic. Maybe it is, but I don’t regret finding her. I treasure the thought she was mine, even for the quick breath that it was.”
I didn’t refute his words. But the anguish I heard in his voice was in complete contradiction to what he’d said. Still, I wasn’t about to challenge a man who’d just lost the other half of his soul.
“But,” he said, meeting my gaze, “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. So, I shall pray for you, Decebel, as not only my packmate, but a man who I know consider my brother-in-law, even though the bond was not completed. I would spare you from this pain, brother. I will pray you live your life without your true mate or die the second she does.”
A single tear slid down Bastian’s cheek as his eyes dropped to my sister’s grave. In that one tear, I saw the life he mourned. Not just hers, but the life they would have had together. And I agreed with Bastian. I didn’t want a true mate if the pain of losing her was even a fraction of what I was feeling now.
“I covet your prayers, Bastian,” I said quietly. “It would be a greater mercy never to find her than suffer what I see you in your eyes.”
Cosmina’s words echoed in my mind, taunting me even as Bastian said he’d pray I wouldn’t find my mate. My sister had prayed just the opposite. Cosmina had prayed I would not only find my true mate, but that she would also give me a daughter. “Never, Cosmina,” I whispered to the cold ground below me. “Not if there’s a chance I would have to endure this pain again.”
Chapter One
“Nipples. The small round protuberances are something that are rarely in the forefront of a woman’s mind but always in the forefront of a man’s mind. Bloody nipples, however, quickly consume the mind of the woman whose had her boobs suckled and chewed on until they are an unrecognizable mess. All those books raving about the wonders of breastfeeding and the incredible bond formed between mother and child at mealtimes tend to leave something out. They forget the fact that, at three in the morning when your screaming infant is hungry, you’ll be screaming right along with her because your nipples are on fire, and they don’t really give a damn about the bonding experience.” ~Jen
Two days after Thia’s birth. The female pack members have been rescued from the Dark Forest.
“Isuck at this,” Jen cried as she laid her daughter down on the bed in front of her. “I’m not supposed to suck at this. She’s supposed to suck at this,” Jen continued dryly. Then she looked over at Decebel. “Get it? Because she’s the one nursing, and she should literally be sucking?” Her words trailed off. “That was lame. I suck at not being lame too.”
Jen was sitting with her back against the headboard. She’d been trying for the better part of an hour to get Thia to nurse but was having little success, and both baby and mother were getting frustrated. Decebel felt helpless as he watched the tears stream down his beautiful mate’s face. His daughter was crying as well, her little fists balled tightly as she screamed her displeasure. Helplessness was not something he handled well. It reminded him all too much of the day his sister—and his daughter’s namesake—had died and how he’d been helpless to stop it. It was a different kind of helpless, but it still had the same effect on him. It tore him up that someone he loved was in a vulnerable state.
“You don’t suck at anything, baby,” he said gently as he scooped Thia up and attempted to calm her. He placed her against his bare chest and allowed a low growl from his wolf to rumble out. For some reason, the sound usually soothed the girl, and this time was no exception. Thia began to calm immediately.
Jen threw her hands up in the air. “That’s ridiculous. I’m her freaking mom, for crying out loud. I’m a walking dairy bar for the girl. I deliver fresh milk made to order, and I can’t even calm her that fast.”
Crap, Decebel thought to himself as he ceased the rumbling. He’d thought his upset mate would calm down herself if Thia quit crying. Apparently, comforting his daughter had been the wrong move. As more tears fell from Jen’s eyes, he seriously considered secretly pinching the baby and pretending he couldn’t calm the baby either. But even though he didn’t understand babies or crazy postpartum mom hormones, he knew that two wrongs didn’t make a right. So, instead, he waited until Thia was asleep and then laid her gently in her basinet.
He took a deep breath and then walked over to the bed where he gathered his mate into his large arms. “You are a fantastic mother, Jennifer,” he said as he put her in his lap and leaned back against the headboard. He brushed her long, blonde locks away from her neck and pressed his lips to her flesh in a gentle kiss. “You’ve only been at this for a few days, and you’re doing beautifully. We’ve all been through a traumatic experience. And you, more than any of us, have reason to fall apart. But here you are, as strong as ever, tackling the task of motherhood just like you tackle everything—boldly and completely. You amaze me.”
She shook her head. “Well, it would be nice to amaze you with the ability to actually keep our child from starving. I can’t get her to latch on correctly. She’s so hungry and my milk hascome in.” She held her hands up in air quotes. “Yes, that’s a thing, and it’s painful. I’m hurting, and I’m so damn tired I can barely think straight.” She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes as she growled. “Cynthia gave her life for our child, and I can’t even make the little turd happy.”
Decebel wracked his brain, trying to find the right words or actions to comfort his mate. He felt like a bull in a china shop, stumbling around in his mate’s fragile psyche. One wrong move and he could send the whole thing crashing down, shattering the shelves of fragile crockery that were Jen’s precious soul. He stroked her back and breathed his scent over her, finding peace in the nearness of her body. Since they’d been back, he’d been unable to allow her to leave his sight for more than a few minutes because he was terrified that she and Thia would disappear. Irrational? Most definitely, but his wolf didn’t give a damn about reasonableness. All it cared about was the safety of their pup and mate.
“How about a hot bath?” he asked gently. “Sally and Jacque got you some bubble bath. I could fill up the Jacuzzi tub for you.”
Jen sniffed and wiped the remaining tears from her face and shrugged. “If all else fails, I guess I can just drown myself. Death by bubbles wouldn’t be a horrible way to go.”
Decebel growled at her and nipped her neck in punishment. “Don’t joke about such things, female. I nearly lost you already. Both of you.”
Jennifer looked up at him and pressed her warm palm to his cheek. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” She leaned forward and put her lips against his. He could taste the salt from her tears, and his wolf howled at the pain of being unable to comfort her.
“A bath sounds nice,” she said when she pulled away. “Although I was reading in that book on nursing that warm water makes the letdown effect happen.”
“Hmm.” He looked down at her as he set her on the bed and stood. “You’re speaking in a language I don’t understand. What’s theletdowneffect?”
“Basically, it’s what happens when my body thinks mini-me wants to eat. If she cries, or some other ankle biter cries, then my boobs get a signal and, boom, milk starts flowing like the promised land,” she said, pointing at her chest as if he didn’t know where the milk came out.
Decebel tried very hard not to picture his naked mate sitting in a bath of the results of her letdown effect.
Jen snickered. “I just gave you a mental image, didn’t I?”
He growled at her, something that seemed to be as natural to him as kissing her. “You’re a bloody minx even two days after giving birth.”
Decebel left her sitting on the bed and went to their bathroom. He set out a couple towels and began running hot bathwater. He knew his mate liked her bath near scalding, so steam quickly began to fill the room. Decebel poured in the lavender bubbles she liked, though it made his wolf’s nose itch. He hoped the scent would relax his mate. The man was at a loss as to how else he could help her. He knew Jen wasn’t at her breaking point because she was still making jokes. It was when the jokes and sarcastic comments stopped that he knew to be really worried.
His wolf was restless, prowling around inside of him like a beast being poked with a hot stick. He wanted to fix whatever was wrong with their mate, but he, like the man, didn’t know what to do. They had a perfect pup, healthy and safe. His wolf didn’t understand the problem.
Decebel walked back out into their bedroom to find Jen, lost in thought, sitting in the same spot on the bed and staring at the carpet.
