10
SOPHIA
It’s probably not right, lying here, waiting for Dante to leave for the morning before I get out of bed, holed up in a room that contains my things but feels nothing like mine.
This is not the way I used to imagine married life would be one day.Going out of my way to avoid my husband.Afraid to face him out of embarrassment for practically humping his hand last night.It was too easy for him to do whatever he wanted.Imadeit easy for him.I practically begged for it.
And in the end, he still refused to go any further than a hand up my dress.I wish I knew what that means.It’s not like he can’t get it up.I felt it, like steel.The man was ready to go.
And so was I.If he had taken me then and there, I wouldn’t have tried to stop him.Instead, I had to lean against the door for the longest time afterward, catching my breath, weak in the knees, wondering what the hell just hit me, and why I’m not good enough for him even to consummate our marriage, or why he wouldn’t kiss me.
Now that I know the problem isn’t impotence, what other possibility is there?He simply doesn’t want me that way.His dick gets hard, but he can’t be bothered to put it in me.Is it because I’m a Vitali?Or is there something deeper at play, like that dead girlfriend of his?Is he still hung up on her?Like it would be cheating for him to have sex with his own wife?
Or am I completely overthinking the entire thing?
The pressure in my head eases like magic once I hear the front door open and close downstairs.
He’s gone for now.
The day can begin.
I sit up and stretch, then fling the blankets back, just as I used to do when I was a kid, fighting to get out of bed for school.It took throwing the blankets off me, even on the coldest mornings, to get me moving.The habit stuck, making it possible for me to get out of bed, to get up and grab a quick shower now that my mysterious husband is off to sit at Papa’s knee like the sniveling little lackey he is.It helps when I think of him that way, as someone small and cowardly.My wounded pride doesn’t sting quite so much.
He’s only a few hundred yards away, if that, but I would swear the air in the house feels different without him in it.Not in a bad way, either.It must be nice to have a man, a real man, I really want that in my life.Like Emilia has with Luca.When he’s finished work for the day, she probably wants to see him.He takes her with him when he stops by the club he runs, because they want to be together.
That must be nice.Knowing where they stand with each other.Meanwhile, here I am, more than two weeks into my marriage, and I don’t even know my husband’s favorite food, how he takes his coffee, or any of those little things that are so meaningless on the surface, but over time create the tapestry of a relationship.At least, that’s how I imagine it.All I have to go on is my imagination.It’s not as if my parents ever set a strong example of marriage, either.
He’s busy, and she’s bored.
What a love story.
When I look at it that way, what in the hell would give me the idea that my life will be any better?Where do I get the idea there’s such a thing as love?Does it even matter when it comes to marriage?
All I know for sure is there’s something in me that yearns for something more.That’s what makes my heart feel so heavy as I head downstairs in my bathrobe, still damp from the shower.Even though I really don’t have anything to do today, my soul is screaming for caffeine after lying awake half the night, torn between being embarrassed for basically falling apart and wishing the bedroom door would fly inward so Dante would come storming in to do all kinds of unspeakable things to me.
In other words, drying my hair can wait until I have a sufficient amount of caffeine running through my system.This family surely has a fondness for their coffee.The fancy machine in the kitchen is the same model as the one I noticed at the main house, one of the handful of times I’ve walked through with the girls.I prefer espresso-based drinks to regular coffee anyway.Wow, I actually have something in common with my husband.Alert the press, tear out the front page.
Maybe it’s irritability after getting what feels like twenty minutes of sleep all night that makes me growl when my phone buzzes, sitting on the counter.No offense to Guilia, but I’m not in the mood for a text session right now, so she can grill me about the details of last night.The only details fresh in my mind are the kind I wouldn’t share with her, anyway.
It isn’t Guilia, though.The message is from an unknown number.Usually, I would immediately delete and move on, but the message itself catches my eye and hits me in the stomach.
Unknown:How is my sunny girl?
Only one person in the entire world has ever called me that.“You’re walking sunshine.You bring the sun with you wherever you go.”Enzo swore I could improve even his worst moods, just by being present.I didn’t have to say anything.He only had to see me, feel my presence, and he would lighten up.
It takes a few seconds for the confusion in my mind to settle.How many years did I spend wishing for a message like that?What I wouldn’t give, especially in the early days when the texts I sent went ignored.I lived with my heart in my throat for so long.I scoured the news and stalked mutual acquaintances on social media in case someone mentioned him.Sometimes, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, since the longer he stayed away, the more sure I was he had to be dead, lying in a landfill somewhere or weighed down underwater.
I know that’s how things are done sometimes.I don’t need to see a body to understand the way my family and so many others do their so-called business.
Here I am, the phone in my trembling hand, the words I would have given anything to read now on the screen.I have what I wanted.Why is it that whenever I get what I want, it always comes at the worst possible time?I have to shove aside my frustration to type out a quick message.
Me:How did you get my number?I’ve changed it since you went away.
I think that’s the safest question.I would definitely like to hear the answer.
Enzo:I have my ways.I thought you had more faith in my abilities.
What would I know about his abilities after all this time?My hands are shaking, but I manage to type out a reply somehow.
