The night is warm, the birds singing in the trees as the last of the orange streaks painting the sky fade away. I finish washing up after my solitary dinner of the leftover pasta Laurie cooked last night, and head out onto the porch.
A soft breeze blows through the trees, and I walk to the steps, gazing up at the stars as they start to twinkle in the blue-grey sky. If it’s hot again tomorrow, I might go swimming instead of going to the gym.
A deer wanders along the edge of the forest, two babies staggering along behind her on their too-long, gangly legs. The mother looks up, her ears twitching, and suddenly she dashes off into the forest, her babies following close behind.
I pad down the steps and dig my toes into the grass, which is still holding on to the last warmth of the sun.
A car door slams close by and I turn in the direction of the sound. Keys jangle, and then there’s the rhythmic slap of flip-flops on concrete. Someone is running down the side of myhouse. I move closer, not knowing what to expect, when Amber comes flying around the corner.
She stops short when she sees me, clutching her keys to her chest. Her long hair is loose, and she’s wearing denim shorts and a tiny white tank top, a floaty pink shirt draped over the top. Her face is red and ruddy, her eyes shining, like she’s been crying.
Alarmed, relieved, fucking ecstatic but not daring to hope, I stumble towards her. “Amber, what are you doing here?”
She inhales sharply, then hurtles across the yard at me. She jumps right into my arms, and I’m ready to catch her. I clutch her to me as she wraps her arms and legs around me, and her lips descend on mine in a feverish rush. I don’t even have time to think that this is really happening, because my brain is so flooded with bliss and happiness. She’s here, in my yard, in my arms, kissing me, when I thought she’d never speak to me again.
“Fuck you!” She cries suddenly, pulling back from me and slapping me in the chest over and over. “You stupid, stupid asshole!”
“I am, I’m a huge, stupid, idiotic asshole.”
“Yes you are.” Tears stream down her face as she leans her forehead against mine. “Do you know how long I fucking cried over you?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, honey. I can’t even tell you how sorry I am.”
She kisses me, sobbing softly. “I was halfway to my grandparents’ house when I got your damn message.” She pulls back from me with a sad smile and shakes her head. “I drove so fast coming back here, I think I got a speeding ticket.”
“Oh, honey, I shouldn’t have done that, you could have-”
“Yes, yes you fucking should have. You should have followed me that night, you should have… You should have…” She burrows her face against my neck and starts to sob louder.
“I’m so sorry, Amber.” I drop into a kneel with her in my lap, holding her to me. “I was such a fucking idiot. I didn’t… I didn’t want to tie you down to a man my age. You deserve more, so much more than I can give you.”
“Shut up!” She pushes against my chest, her furious, teary eyes meeting mine. “You don’t get to decide what I do and do not deserve. And you sure as hell don’t get to push me away over some bullshit about your age.”
“I know, honey. I’m sorry. What I said to you at the graduation party… It was so wrong.”
“Itwasn’tjust sex,” she says, her voice strained as more tears start to fall. “I hate that you reduced it to that. It was so much more. I’m not some airhead who can’t tell the difference.”
“I know, I know.”
She grips my face in her hands and tips my head back. “Stop. Talking. Stop saying,I know, I know,and justlistento me.”
I have to suppress a smile because she’s so fiery and angry and determined, and all I want to do is kiss her. But I sit silently and let her get it all out.
“I didn’t expect to feel the way I do about you, and I know that was probably stupid of me.” Her lips tremble, and she licks away tears that have gathered in the corners of her mouth. “I liked you, I really did. But I told myself I was making it into something bigger than it was. After I left I talked myself out of it, you know? That it was nothing, it was dumb, and it was just a crush. That I was dickmatized because it had been the best sex of my life.”
I want to ask what the fuck dickmatize means, but I decide that if I interrupt her now she’ll probably claw my eyes out and I’ll like it, so I keep my mouth shut.
“I tried, Theo.” She sniffles, raising her eyebrows. “I did. I tried sofuckinghard. I went out and dated, I had more mediocre sex, and then… Then I met Ryan.” Her voice falters a little on hisname. “He was sweet. He was funny, and handsome. So I tried. Because it made sense. Like you’re always saying, he was young and could give me all that shit that lies ahead of me. I fell into what I thought my life should be, and I tried sofucking hardto be happy in that life.” She hiccups out another sob, blinking as she takes in our position on the ground, my legs folded underneath her. “Your legs must be killing you.”
“I can’t actually feel them anymore, so it’s fine.”
She giggles and sniffles, quickly climbing off me as she wipes her face with the heels of her hands. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“And interrupt you? I don’t think so.” I groan as I stretch out my stupid old man legs and my knees that sound like bubble wrap, and Amber kneels beside me, her hands clutched in her lap. I give her a weak smile, and reach out to sweep her hair over her shoulder. “So when did you decide that you didn’t want to try to be happy in that life anymore?”
Her gaze darts away from mine, and her hands fidget restlessly in her lap. “It’s embarrassing.”
“You could never say anything embarrassing to me, honey.”
