“Yeah, yeah, she’s just…” Laurie trails off as she taps out a response. “Having a hard time. I thought it was the break-up with Ryan, but… It seems to be something else.”
“Oh, jeez. I wonder what it could be.” I hope I sound fucking nonchalant, because I feel anything but. The guilt has been eating me up for the past three weeks, since that awful night at the graduation party.
Laurie sighs. “I think it’s the move to Boston.”
“Yeah, probably.”
Laurie looks at me with raised eyebrows and heads back into the house. “I’m thirsty, let’s get a drink before I go.”
I follow her into the kitchen, and Laurie gets out two glasses and pours us both a lemonade.
“You know,” she says slowly, sliding the glass towards me. “I think Amber wouldn’t be so nervous about moving to Boston if she was going with someone.”
“Oh, yeah?” I take a sip of the lemonade, and don’t meet Laurie’s eyes. “Which someone?”
“Dad.”
I try to swallow down the lemonade, which is about as easy as swallowing broken glass, and raise my eyes to Laurie’s. Her eyebrows are still raised, and she’s tapping a finger against the counter.
“You can drop the act, Dad.”
My head whirs. Blood roars in my ears. My mouth is dry even though I just had a drink, and Laurie’s eyes bore into me.
“Wh-what act, peanut?” I shake my head, and Laurie puffs out a laugh.
“Dad, come on. It would only be more obvious if you were wearing a t-shirt saying,I’m in Love with Amber Pope.”
My stomach turns into a stone and drops through the floor. My throat swells up and I scramble to say something, anything. But I just gawp like a damn fish, staring at my daughter, who sighs and shakes her head.
“Dad-”
“I’m so sorry.” I reach across the counter to take Laurie’s hand, shame welling up in my chest. “I know you must think I’m disgusting, and a pervert. But you have to know, I never meant for this to happen. I never thought of her that way when you were kids, I swear. I never once-”
“Dad, it’s OK.” Laurie dips her head to meet my eyes, and smiles. “I promise. I’m not angry. Really, I’m not.”
I exhale heavily. “How can you be alright with this? It’s… It’s wrong.”
“Two people loving each other isn’t wrong.”
“It is when one of them is as old as I am,” I scoff. “I never should have done it. She came over, and was so… Pretty, and… I was stupid, and weak. And now… Now I just hurt her.” I look up at my daughter’s narrowed eyes, and instantly feel ashamed all over again. “How did you even figure it out?”
“I had my suspicions when you suddenly wouldn’t be in the same room together anymore.” Laurie chuckles when I cover my face with my hands. “But the whole,You hate Bostonthing just sort of confirmed it.”
“Fuck.” I drag my hands down my face and meet my daughter’s sympathetic gaze. “It can’t happen. It just can’t. I can’t do that to her.”
“Do what, dad? Make her happy? Make her feel loved?” Laurie throws her hands up. “I am really failing to see what theproblem is here. The only thing that pisses me off is I can’t ask her about all the gory details because, Eww.” She wrinkles her nose for a second. “But that’s it. There is nothing standing in the way of this.”
“Laurie, come on.” I get to my feet and stalk along the kitchen counter, raking my hands through my hair and despite feeling intense shame, I’m also so relieved that someone knows, even if that someone is my daughter. “I’m pushing fifty. She’s just turned twenty-two. Her whole life is ahead of her. She doesn’t want some old man at her side, weighing her down.”
“First of all, you’re not old,” Laurie says, holding up a finger in the air. “Further to that, you are not the average dad. You work out every single day. Your legs are the size of a small child. You’re fit, and you’re healthy, and I don’t think a walker and a bed pan are in your near future.”
I can’t help but laugh at her words and the indignant look on her face. “Fine. I’m fit and healthy. So what? People die all the time, even when they’re fit.”
“Fuckingexactly.” Laurie throws her hands up again and groans. “So Amber marries some finance bro and he gets hit by a Maserati on Wall Street the next year, was she never supposed to get married in case that happened?”
“That is not the point,” I say, rubbing my temples with a sigh. “Of course anyone can die at any time. But Amber deserves a full life, with the best chance of having a partner at her side for a long time. I might only be able to give her another twenty-five years, what then? You want her to be a widow when she’s in her forties?”
Laurie folds her arms over her chest and fixes me with a look that makes me feel very much like the child being taught a life lesson. “Let’s flip that around. Say you really only do have twenty-five years left. Twenty-five more Christmases. Twenty-five more summers. Twenty-five more days of going down tothe pumpkin patch and picking out your carving pumpkins for Halloween. Who do you want to spend those twenty-five years with?”
