“Uh, hi. My name is Roland Wilson and I need to speak with Dr. Constantin, please.”
* * *
The following day,Roland stepped out of his new therapist’s office and into the sunlight. It was noon, and he needed to eat something. Dr. Constantin had quickly referred him to a therapist who could get him in on short notice. He wasn’t sure if seeing a therapist long term was going to be something that worked for him, but she’d been more than willing to discuss coping mechanisms to help Roland self-manage before he spiraled out of control again. Still, he’d made an appointment for the following week, just in case.
Roland stopped at a street vendor selling fruit, and he bought a large container full of watermelon, jicama, cucumber, mango, and honeydew, then sprinkled a generous amount of chile, lemon, and salt on the top. He let the chile absorb into the watermelon before taking a bite. He savored the flavor as the salt and the lemon balanced the sweetness of the watermelon on his tongue. He hadn’t stopped for fruit from a vendor like this in years. It was far more delicious than he remembered.
He walked while he ate, enjoying the sun and the breeze. He pulled his sunglasses from the neck of his shirt and put them on, noticing how painfully bright it was outside. Everything looked like it was in technicolor. The fruit itself was a rainbow of colors and textures. The swaying palm trees were a vibrant green against the manganese blue of the sky. Even the sun, a glaring, golden yellow shining down on the cloudless horizon.
Roland’s eyes watered, and he felt an overwhelming sense of peace and belonging as the world zipped by around him, alive and engaged. He stopped at a bench and set his fruit down, then pulled out his phone.
Roland: Today is a beautiful day. I still miss you.
He slid his phone back into his pocket and quickly wiped at his eyes under the sunglasses. He picked up his fruit and ate it, smiling at the sky and blinking away silent tears that tasted both of happiness and loneliness.
After he finished his snack, he shoved the package into a nearby trash can, gave his eyes one last wipe, then continued on his walk. Sometime later, he found himself stopped in front of a trendy barber shop. One of those places with dark red paint and free beer. He reached up and fingered his hair while he looked through the window. His hairhadgotten long. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d trimmed it.
Roland closed his eyes and recalled how good it’d felt when Donny shaved his beard off. Even on a downward slide, Roland had felt good with a fresh face. He walked inside.
“Hey there, what can I do for ya?” a slender man with platinum blond hair asked him.
Roland still had his fingers twisted into the ends of his hair and he held it up. “A trim?”
The blond’s eyebrows raised and he chuckled. “I’ll say. Come on over and take a seat.'“
Roland situated himself on the chair and the blond threw a black cape over his shoulders and snapped it at the back of his neck.
“What’s your name, man?”
“Roland.”
“Roland, cool. I’m Colin, nice to meet you." Colin finger combed his way through Roland’s hair. “So, just a trim? You sure you don’t want to take it all off?”
“Yeah. Like, to here.” Roland gestured to his shoulder.
Colin made small talk with him, but mostly he rambled to fill the silence and Roland appreciated that. Colin snipped away and trimmed, then the cape was unsnapped and Roland’s shoulders were dusted off and he was ready to go.
He stopped and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked the same, his hair just a few inches shorter than before, but he felt lighter. Roland paid Colin and then ordered an Uber on his phone to take him home.
While he waited, he thought about what Gabriel said the night before.
So find a way to be deserving…
Roland understood a haircut wasn’t enough of an apology for Donny. The actual words—I’m sorry—weren’t even enough of an apology. Roland knew that to be deserving of Donny, he had to be the best version of himself. That was really all Donny had wanted for him anyway. And as he slid into the backseat of the Uber and started the ride home, he realized all the things he needed to do were for him and not for Donny. In order to be deserving of Donny, Roland needed to find the will within himself to live, rather than merely exist.
Chapter 28
Just Roland
“I don’t thinkI want to be here,” Donny whispered to Athena, gripping her forearm tight between his fingers.
It was Saturday, and his sister had managed to round him up, alongside Joel and Gabriel, and drag him to Gallery 17 for Roland’s show. Just being curbside, and knowing Roland was inside, made his stomach hurt.
“Why not?” she asked him.
“He broke up with me.”
Gabriel shot Athena a look, and she glanced down at Donny. “From what I’ve heard, there wasn’t an actual breakup.”
