“I don’t think you’ll drag me anywhere, Roland. But if you do, it will be because I let you.” A silence stretched between them.
“The winter is my favorite.” Roland changed the subject, but Donny knew exactly what he was talking about. Donny smiled.
“Mine too. With the flash of green in the purple. It’s mesmerizing, Roland.”
Roland’s eyes locked on Donny’s face, and Donny watched them glaze over as they filled with tears. Roland took his bottom lip between his teeth and raised a hand to swipe his cheek as soon as the first tear escaped.
“I can’t paint like that anymore,” he admitted.
Donny tugged a hand free from under Roland’s palm and stroked his thumb gently across his damp cheek.
“Why?” he questioned quietly, using his hand to gently tilt Roland’s face toward his.
Roland shook his head. “It’s just…gone.”
“And you can’t find it?”
Roland shook his head again. “If I drink, if I don’t drink, if I’m alone, if I’ve just fucked, if I’m high, if I’m listening to music, or if I’m drowning in my own fucking tears, I can’t find it. I’m useless. Worthless. It feels like I’m fucking broken,” His voice did break on the word and Donny placed his hands securely around Roland’s face, holding him steady.
“You are not broken.”
“I am.” Roland inhaled a muffled cry.
“I respectfully disagree.”
Roland snorted, an incredulous and waterlogged sound.
“I’ll prove you wrong. You’ll leave. I’ll be alone again. Like I deserve.”
Donny stroked Roland’s cheeks, “You don’t really believe that, do you?”
“I don’t say things I don’t mean. I don’t make promises I won’t keep.” Roland looked up. “I don’t. I promised you I’d take care of Pete, and I did. It’s one thing I didn’t fuck up, and you came back here and tried to take that away from me, but I didn’t fuck that up, Donny.” Roland’s breathing was picking up, and his shoulders were heaving.
“Okay, okay,” Donny consoled him, crawling up onto the lounger. He straddled Roland’s broad thighs and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He dug a hand into Roland’s hair and held him firmly by the back of his head, pressing Roland’s face into the crook of his neck. “Okay,” he said again.
Roland choked out a cry.
“Make me a promise, Roland.”
“What?” Roland asked, pulling his face away from Donny’s neck and staring him in the eyes. His cheeks were damp, his eyes, red and puffy. Donny wished he were bigger so he could protect Roland in a way that would offer him a feeling of safety entwined in a physical comfort. Roland trembled beneath him, desperate to be more, and Donny trembled too, desperate for the same.
“You let me decide what’s best for me, Roland. You don’t get to say when it’s time for me to go. You don’t get to preemptively push me out because you’re afraid of dragging me down. I’m an adult. I decide what’s too much for me.” Donny pressed a kiss to Roland’s forehead, “I decide what’s not enough.”
Roland’s body shook, but he nodded his head.
“Okay?” Donny questioned him.
“Okay,” Roland’s voice was soft and weak, but Donny heard the truth of it.
“Okay,” Donny affirmed, giving Roland a squeeze before unfolding himself and standing up. “Have you eaten today?” He leaned down and brushed Roland’s hair from his face, untangling it from his beard.
“No.”
“Well, it’s time to get you fed then.” Donny grabbed his hand and tugged Roland to a standing position. Roland obliged him, even though his shoulders were slumped and he looked every bit the kicked puppy.
“Kiss me, Roland,” Donny said, staring up at the broken man in front of him. “Kiss me and mean it.”
Roland screwed his eyes shut and sucked in a breath before he dipped his head down and seized Donny’s mouth. Donny reached up and tangled his fingers into Roland’s hair. Fuck, he loved Roland’s hair. Donny imagined this was what spun silk would feel like, agonizingly delicate, but strong— much like Roland himself.
