Wrong.
Gabriel would never have been able to live with the guilt on his conscience if he had continued to deceive Joel, whether it was in this reality, or only a scenario in his head. In hindsight, it was better this way. After such a short time, Joel would be able to get over it, move past it, and find someone to love him better than Gabriel ever could, in a way that was healthy and not obsessive. If this had come out years down the road, the damage to Joel might have been far harder to repair. Gabriel, though, he would manage like he always had. Alone, and separated from the world.
Rolling over, Gabriel recognized he had fallen asleep on the floor, and his eyes focused on the empty bottle of whiskey next to his head. Pulling himself up to a sitting position, he reached up to the couch, searching for his phone.
No missed calls.
No texts.
It was almost five in the evening. Gabriel had slept away most of the day, although sleep was not the most accurate description of what he assumed happened after he drank his weight in whiskey. He scrolled through his contacts, trying to find the number for the Chinese food restaurant down the block. He needed something greasy that would fill him up just enough so he could get started on the additional bottles of liquor in his wet bar.
With an order placed for enough food to last him three days, he thought about taking a shower, but decided against it. He had no one to clean up for anymore. The weight of this shit show started to become unbearable. His shoulders sagged with the enormity of how he had fucked up his life and future. By now, Joel would have received the parcel at Athena’s, and while Gabriel didn’t expect a reply, part of him hoped…
There was no point in wallowing. It wouldn’t bring Joel back. Nothing would bring Joel back. Gabriel forced himself to stand and retreated to his office, digging the stack of cards from Madeline out of his desk. He gathered them all, found his way to the kitchen, and turned on the front burner of the stove, watching the flame start to dance and nip at the air. He took the first card, held it over the burner, and watched the paper curl and crisp as it burned. When the fire got close to his hand, he didn’t let go, instead enjoying the physical lick of pain from the flame before tossing the smoldering edge of paper into his sink. Gabriel repeated the process, erasing every fucking word Madeline had ever written to him.
For good measure, and because he knew he couldn't kick his Joel habit if he was tempted even in the slightest, he returned to his office to retrieve his back-up flash drive. His laptop sat across the room in a shambles, a sharp reminder of how he had fucked up, so there was no hesitation as he headed back to the kitchen with the flash drive. His hand hovered over the flame, but he was interrupted by a knock on his door. Hope flared in his chest before he remembered it was probably his food. He crossed through his home the long way, going past the wet bar to crack open a new bottle of whiskey before he tucked the drive in his pocket and pulled open the front door… and was stopped dead in his tracks.
It was Joel.
He looked worse for wear, with red-rimmed eyes and lashes clumped together with recently shed tears, but it was still Joel. Right there in front of him again. Gabriel sucked in a surprised breath that wavered more than he would have liked, and stepped back a pace. They stood, appraising each other silently, Gabriel's love for Joel radiating outward like a fucking fish hook eager to bait its catch.
“Joel.” Gabriel's voice was hoarse, barely louder than a whisper, and he so desperately wished he had decided to take that shower.
“I think…” Joel's voice was scratchy and gruff. “I think you owe me some answers.”
Gabriel acquiesced with a slight nod before stepping back farther to let Joel inside. Gabriel watched as Joel quietly pushed the door closed behind him and stood close to it as if he was trying to disappear into it. Joel tugged his bottom lip between his teeth, biting down, and refused to move any farther into the condo. It had never been like this between them, not even when Gabriel had been a stranger to him, and he couldn’t help but shoulder the responsibility of Joel’s unease, putting it on top of the pile of all his other transgressions.
Realizing he himself must look the worse for wear, in sloppy pajamas with a fresh bottle of whiskey, Gabriel promptly set the bottle down on the breakfast bar and shoved his hands into the pockets of his lounge pants. Gabriel opened his mouth, then closed it, unsure of what to say or where to start. His finger grazed against the flash drive in his pocket, and instinctively he recognized what needed to happen. He pulled it out, gripped tightly in his fist, and extended his arm to Joel. Joel eyed him tentatively, and with a slight shake in his shoulders, extended his hand, open and palm up. Gabriel released the drive, and with the movement, a huge burden was released from around his neck.
“That’s everything. Well, except for the things from your mother, but those are smoldering in my sink.” Gabriel made a small gesture toward the kitchen.
A knock on the door jarred both of them, causing Joel to jump and Gabriel to wince. “Dinner,” he explained feebly and closed the distance between them. When Gabriel approached, Joel quickly stepped to the side and into the condo, effectively trading places with Gabriel. Gabriel opened the door and took the food, quickly shutting them both back inside, and with a sad smile, he walked into the kitchen to put the bags of food down.
“Are you expecting someone?” Joel asked, pressing his lips together and hesitantly stepping in behind Gabriel.
Gabriel shook his head. “No, I didn't plan on leaving the condo until I ran out of liquor.” His reply was truthful and delivered with as steady a voice as he could manage. The silence continued to grow between them, and Gabriel wanted to crawl out of his fucking skin.
“The first time Madeline reached out to me, you were twelve.” Gabriel turned to look at Joel before he sat down at the dining table. He hoped sitting at the table was less threatening than the couch, and he didn’t want to risk feeling the warmth of Joel's skin if he dared sit beside him. “She only wanted money from me, said even though Thomas didn’t want to talk to me that we were still family.” Gabriel picked at his thumb, unable to meet Joel's eyes. “Then every year afterward, I received another Christmas card from her, and every year her message to me was infused with more hatred. For both you and me. When you were fifteen, she asked me for money to send you to a conversion camp.”
Joel's sharp intake of breath stopped Gabriel, and he turned his eyes to meet Joel's, as Joel slumped down into a chair on the other side of the table. Joel traced a knot in the wood, unable or unwilling to look up, but he nodded slightly for Gabriel to continue.
“I never replied to her. I didn’t want anything to do with Thomas. I always held him responsible for getting me thrown out of my house. He outed me officially, you know. And when you were seventeen, I moved and the cards stopped.” Gabriel paused, uncertain how to continue. He rubbed the back of his neck with a sweaty palm. “But I had already seen you by then. After a drunken hookup, I decided to take some advice I’d been given and I went to try to make amends with my brother. Finding where you lived was easy, so I drove out to Whittier and parked my car on your street while I tried to pluck up the courage to confront him. And while I sat there, under a jacaranda, I saw you. You stormed out of the house, Thomas hot on your heels. You had purple hair, and I couldn’t take my fucking eyes off you, Joel.” Gabriel swallowed hard, wiping at his eyes with shaking fingers. “I didn’t want the same things for you. I didn’t want him to ruin your life the way I felt he ruined mine.”
Joel slowly lifted his head to face Gabriel, fresh tear tracks lining his cheeks, and Gabriel wanted more than anything to go to him, wrap him up in his arms and shield him from… well, from this, from his truths.
“I watched you, at first. When Thomas and Madeline left for Maryland, I didn’t want to interfere, but I needed to know you were safe. You know the rest, but Joel, you have to believe I never meant… I never meant for it to end up like this.” Gabriel's voice was pleading, vibrating with desperation, and he shoved his chair back, halfway unaware of the motion before he dropped to his knees, reaching for Joel's legs. “I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, but I need you to understand how fucking sorry I am, Joel. I love you and I’m so sorry.” Gabriel's body shook with a sob and he dropped his forehead onto Joel's knee, letting sorrow overtake him.
Gabriel cried. He cried for himself, separated from his family and set adrift for so many years. He cried for Joel. For the perfect man in front of him whose face was etched with the scars of Gabriel's deceit. He loved Joel, more than he’d thought it was possible to love another person, and this unnatural, overwhelming love inside of him was what had driven them both here. Joel, sitting at the table, with shaking knees like a terrified child, and Gabriel, offering nothing more than his submission after seeing the damage done by his love.
Something ruffled his hair, and he reached up to realize it was Joel who had delicately placed his hand atop Gabriel's quivering head. Joel's hand was shaking, or maybe it was Gabriel, but he wrapped his fingers tightly around Joel's hand and squeezed, lacing their fingers and hoping to convey with touch all the words he couldn’t manage to speak. Joel allowed it for a short time, then tugged his hand free, and Gabriel sat back on his heels, chin dropped to his chest, too terrified to make eye contact.
Joel pushed his chair back and stood. Gabriel glanced up to see Joel's knuckles white with tension as he gripped the edge of the table. Gabriel watched Joel step backward, once, then twice.
“Before...” Gabriel's voice was a gravelly whisper, and he cleared his throat before continuing. “Before you go, there’s one more thing.” Joel halted his retreat.
Gabriel raised his eyes, locking them onto Joel's watery and confused blue stare. “The time I had with you, that I physically had withyou, Joel. They were the best days of my life, and I didn't say it before, but I do love you, Little Red. I love you with a ferocity I’ve never been able to understand, and that won’t ever change. I understand what I did… I know it was wrong. But I can’t ever allow myself to regret it. If a week beside you and two nights inside of you is all I’ll ever have, I’ll take them gladly and hold onto them for the rest of my days.”
Joel's mouth fell open and he reached up a hand to cover it as a cry escaped his parted lips. Tears freely fell at a rate Gabriel had never seen, and Gabriel reached out for Joel, but Joel stepped back, then turned and fled the apartment. Gabriel listened to the door open and close, and he lay down on the cold tile floor of his dining room and closed his eyes.
