Oh.
Gabriel forced a smile across the console at Joel before facing the road again. He turned right, and glanced at Joel out of the corner of his eye. Joel scowled down at his phone, pulled his hand free, and started furiously typing out a text, deleting the text, and typing it out again.
Davis: Joel? What happened to you last week?
Me: Sorry!! It’s insane! Someone tried to carjack me behind the restaurant, and I got super shaken up so I went home, and my phone wasn’t working so I couldn’t call. When I got home, my apartment flooded so I took off. I’ve been staying with someone.
Someone? Was that fair? Was Gabriel reallyjustsomeone? He’d started off as a stranger, but he’d quickly burrowed a way into Joel's heart, and Joel hoped he was more than a friend who wanted to fuck. Did casual friends buy each other vintage Rolexes? It wasn’t fair to Gabriel to act as though there was nothing between them, but they’d never talked about their relationship, or lack thereof. Joel didn’t even know what the thing between them was anyway. Sure, words had been said in the heat of the moment, but they hadn’t had any conversations outside of the bedroom about it. Joel was afraid if he vocalized his feelings, asked his questions, the whole thing with him and Gabriel would fall apart.
“Problem?” Gabriel asked casually, snapping Joel out of his thoughts.
“Yes. No. Just Davis,” Joel grumbled, scrolling through a long message, shelving his internal confusion about the man beside him. Gabriel's shoulders stiffened. He flipped on the turn signal indicator and made a left turn.
“Yeah, turn left,” Joel added, barely looking up from his phone.
Davis: Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. If you didn’t want to see me that night, you didn’t need to come up with something as fantastical as a carjacking and an apartment flood. I wouldn't mind giving it another shot, though.
“What about Davis, now?” Gabriel ground out, turning the radio off and tapping a finger against the steering wheel.
“He’s acting all butt hurt that I haven’t been in touch with him since we were supposed to go on our date, even though I told him my phone wasn’t working. But then he says he wants to take me out again, and it’s confusing.”
“Confusing. Well, isn’t it a little presumptuous of Davis to assume you’d still want to see him?” Gabriel asked, pulling up to a stop sign and making a right-hand turn.
“It’s the apartment on the right,” Joel spoke up as Gabriel pulled to a stop. “How did you know how to get here?” he asked.
“You told me where to turn.” Gabriel unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face him. “Isn’t it presumptuous of him, Joel?”
Joel, frustrated with his own confusion over Davis and Gabriel, unbuckled his seat belt with more aggression than he meant to, and it unspooled, slamming into the side of the door as the belt retracted.
“Is it presumptuous, Gabriel? Is there something going on that would make it so unreasonable for me to go on a date with him? I mean, what is this anyway?” Joel gestured to the space between the two of them.
Shit. He didn’t mean to say that. He wasn't ready to face the truth.
Gabriel's face pulled into a frown and wrinkled in a way Joel hadn’t seen before. Joel didn’t like it. It looked too much like disappointment and Joel didn’t want to see it ever again. Joel told his brain as much.
“Maybe I was the one being presumptuous,” Gabriel spoke softly, turning his body to face the steering wheel. “You go do what you need to do, Joel. I’ll be here when you’re done.”
Joel stared at Gabriel, feeling there may have been more than one meaning to those words, and got out of the car. He looked over his shoulder and observed Gabriel still staring blankly out the windshield.
Joel went upstairs, rubbing the band of his watch as he climbed, seeing his floor was well under construction from the flood repairs. Thankfully, it looked like everything had dried out, but as he let himself inside his apartment, there were pieces of drywall missing still, and the carpet had been pulled up, leaving the subfloor exposed, with parts of it cut out and replaced with new wood. He tiptoed around the holes in the floor, making his way to his bedroom. He could see his landlord had come in and tossed what looked like three boxes worth of Joel's belongings onto the bed, trying to salvage what he could from the flood waters. Joel would have a hell of a time assessing the damage to his belongings once he was allowed back inside for the long term.
Joel sat down on the edge of his bed, and did a quick sort through his things. He still had no idea where his favorite t-shirt was, and he hoped he hadn’t left it behind at the laundromat. He stuck his hand into the pile, and his fingers skirted something thick and soggy. He pulled the item free and sucked in a breath.
Fuck. Not this. Anything but this.
He cradled his favorite Bible in his hands, pulling the cover open to reveal the parchment pages inside were stuck together with moisture. He tried to separate them, accidentally tearing a corner free. He sobbed and slammed it closed. Maybe if he kept it somewhere safe and let it dry out, it would be okay. The pages would be a little wrinkled, but it would be in one piece. With a trembling hand, he reached over and set it on his dresser, stroking a finger over the delicate leather binding, now sodden with water that was sure to grow mold.
And then, much like his Bible, Joel fell apart.
There, in his under construction apartment, with everything he owned piled on top of his bed, and his most prized possession now a waterlogged disaster, he sobbed. Joel let loose every emotion he’d bottled up during the past year and let himself drown in the overwhelming loneliness that he had allowed to overtake his life.Joel lay down on his bed, and pulled the pile of his belongings on top of him, trying to shield himself from his own mind. Gabriel had been unexpected, yet needed, and most likely fleeting. Joel wasn’t ready to live in the aftermath of a man like him.
Who did Gabriel think he was, anyway? He swooped in out of nowhere and played the knight in shining armor and stirred up all these feelings inside Joel's chest and for what? What wasGabrielgetting out of this? There must be something. People didn'tdonice things for other people. Especially not for Joel. As soon as his apartment was finished, Gabriel would send him on his way, and what would Joel have then? A fucking embarrassing memory. That's what. Gabriel took Joel in and Joel let his world shape around Gabriel's kindness, but Joel would only lose it all when Gabriel pushed him back on his own. Stupid Joel.
Joel’s old defense mechanisms slipped into place. The voice in his head spoke up, loud and clear for the first time in weeks.
If you don’t let him in, you won’t let him down.
Won’t it be better to remember him as a gallant savior than a neglectful king?
