“I don’t need you to tell me things about you to know you.” Gabriel kissed the top of Joel's hand. “I can see it in your face. From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you’d had the same struggles as me. That you had to deal with the same types of people.”
Another piece of Joel’s mask slipped, and Gabriel gave their hands another tug, this time being rewarded with Joel lowering his body back onto the bed. Gabriel situated Joel’s head in the nook of his armpit and pressed a delicate kiss to his hair.
“I don’t need you to tell me things about you,” he repeated, “but I want you to. So tell me, Joel Reading. Who are you?”
Joel's chest heaved against Gabriel with a breath, and then a laugh.
“That's a loaded question, Mr. Hunter.”
Gabriel let loose a groan. “Don’t call me that, it makes me feel...” He closed his mouth.
“Feel what, Mr. Hunter?” Joel goaded him, and Gabriel flipped them, using his weight to press Joel down into the mattress.
“Don’t provoke me right now. I want to have a conversation with you.” Gabriel rutted his groin against Joel's belly before sliding down to lie on his side so he could see Joel's face. “Who are you, Joel? Tell me something about you.”
Joel's eyes stared up at the ceiling as if he expected to find his life story etched into the plaster. He closed his eyes.
“I’ve been alone for a while.”
Gabriel gave no response, hoping his silence would encourage Joel to continue.
“And that’s fine. I have Athena. She's my best friend, my only friend really. I don’t date or anything. It’s better for me to keep to myself.”
More silence.
“I collect Bibles,” Joel blurted, as though he hadn't meant to let the words escape.
“Bibles?” Gabriel finally spoke, and he reached a hand out so he could brush his fingertips across Joel's forehead. Joel turned to face Gabriel, which was what he had hoped for. Joel situated himself on his side, so they were face to face, only inches separating them.
“Bibles. The old ones. I go to estate sales, and if I see one there, I’ll buy it. I have over a dozen. I have one from 1836. It’s my favorite. It has this smell about it I love, and when I hold it in my hands, it feels, I don’t know, important somehow. It was actually the first one I bought. I love all the others, but that one is special.” Gabriel imagined Joel with an old Bible, holding it delicately in his hands, as to not damage the almost two-hundred-year-old binding which was already fraying. He observed Joel turning the pages, skimming through the Old Testament, to the thicker parchment in the middle so he could read the births, marriages and death records for the generations past. It was a vivid sight for Gabriel, and he recognized it was because he had watched Joel do it, a few months ago at a house in Bel Air. At the time, Gabriel didn’t understand Joel’s fascination with the crumbling relic, but he’d appreciated the sight at the time and he’d tucked it away as a memory.
“Why Bibles?” Gabriel asked. It was something he had wanted to know before, and knowing now that he was on the cusp of learning this tidbit that his observations hadn’t allowed, he was beyond excited. Gabriel leaned forward, narrowing the gap of space between their noses, forcing Joel to look him in the eyes.
“Because they’re abandoned. Religion used to be so important to people, to families. Those Bibles were always the ‘what are you going to save in the event of a fire?’ item, because it was a family’s whole history, their legacy. And now, people don’t care. Their grandparents die, or their parents die, and the Bibles are discarded like trash. You know, I’ve never paid more than two dollars for one of them?” Joel paused. “I guess I hope that somewhere, in another life, those people know their story is important, even if it’s only important to me. It matters.”
Gabriel leaned in and pressed his lips against Joel's mouth. He kissed him softly before he pulled back.
“I think that’s beautiful.” Gabriel kissed him again. “I think you’re beautiful.”
“You still don’t know anything about me.” Joel tilted his head down, breaking eye contact.
“Let me know you, then. I want to, Joel. I want to know you so much.” He tilted Joel’s face back up, grazing his thumb back and forth across Joel's smooth chin.
Silence again.
“What type of people?” Joel asked him suddenly. Gabriel raised an eyebrow, “What type of people did you have to deal with? What do you think I had to deal with?”
Gabriel wanted to be honest. Never had Gabriel wanted more than anything to confess his omissions so Joel could see how deeply Gabriel truly fucking cared for him, but it was too new still, too delicate. He searched for a level of honesty that would be truthful, without giving away the reality of his devotion.
“Well, unsupportive parents for one, unsupportive siblings. My father and my younger brother were both verbally abusive homophobes. I was thrown out of my house the day I graduated from high school because my brother caught me kissing another boy, and he told our father. The boy, of course, was so deep in the closet that when he realized we had been caught, he took off and I never heard from him again.” Gabriel stopped, seeing flickers of recognition spark in Joel’s eyes.
“My dad died when I was a kid. My stepdad, he was like that too,” Joel whispered.
Yeah, I know all about that one.Gabriel thought.
“It was hard for me. It’s still hard for me to form meaningful relationships sometimes. I know, truly–in my heart, I know that my father and brother are not good people. I know they aren’t representative of the world as a whole. But it’s difficult to open up to someone else when your own blood relations turn their backs on you.”
Gabriel wiped a tear as it escaped from Joel’s eye. Joel's cheeks colored the most beautiful red as a moment of shame passed across his face.
