“You could say that.” I’ve barely been to my gym. Instead if I have the time to workout, I’ve just been using the equipment in my basement.
Walker looks out at the overpass and the desert below. “I remember what that was like. So wrapped up in each other that you abandon your usual routine for the sake of more time together.” His eyes, while partially hidden by the brim of his hat, are forlorn.
I didn’t ask yesterday in front of everyone, even thoughI’m sure Nikolai and Hayden are clued in on what’s going on with him, but it’s just us now. “How have things been going? How’s Scar doing?”
He draws in a rattling breath, the plastic bottle crunching in his hand. “We’re getting through it.”
I kick a few loose rocks, giving him space to say more if he wants. His gaze doesn’t leave the view beyond.
“She’s been getting help, doing a program.” He swallows thickly. “It’s been helping her. She’s doing okay.”
I take a step closer, both of us near the edge. There’s nothing but rocks below the drop off. Looking over at him, I ask, “How areyoudoing?”
His forearms flex, veins popping beneath his tattoos. His jaw is stiff, words spoken through clenched teeth. “I’m angry.”
It’s a gut punch, and one I never wanted for him.
“She’s getting better, and I’m so fucking proud of her. I love her more than anything but…” He grabs the brim of his hat and adjusts it. “I’m just still angry that she chose it over relying on me.”
We didn’t hug that day in the bar. Didn’t feel right. Too soon. Things too raw.
But looking out at the nature around us, brimming with life and beauty, I can’t help but pull him into my side. He’s stiff, feet rooted in place at first. But finally, he relents and loops his own arm up on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry, man. It’s not easy and I wish you didn’t know that pain.”
“It’s worth it for her. But—it’s just hard right now.”
I squeeze his shoulder, trying to give him support in the way I can. “I’m here for you however you need it.”
He looks over at me, tears glistening in his eyes, but he blinks them back. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. It’s what friends do for each other.”
We stand like that for a while longer, taking in the view around us. But as the sun gets higher, the desert heat comes out in full swing. We go a little further along the trail until we hit another incline. Both winded, all it takes is one shared look before we turn around and head back the way we came. It makes us laugh, chickening out on the rest of the hike, but we’re in it together.
We walk back side by side, not talking, but instead enjoying the comfortable silence of each other and the sounds of the world waking up around us.
Each small step, all in the right direction.
Nikolai and Haydenare both up when we get back, and everyone does their own thing the rest of the morning: showering, meditating, spending time outside. We come back together for lunch as a group, and the understanding amongst everyone that now is the time is palpable. We’ve all gotten some time to ourselves, we’ve dusted off all the surface level conversations we can, and it’s time for the real shit.
The back of my neck burns in anticipation.
We gather outside on the porch, chairs circled around the unlit firepit. There’s not a single cloud in the endless stretch of blue sky. Thankfully, there’s a retractable shade that we pop out to help keep the direct sun from beating down on us.
A cooler stocked with beers sits between Walker and Hayden. Something to take the edge off for everyone. I shiftin the wooden chair, drink clutched in hand. Even though this morning felt like a breakthrough with Walker, there’s still an air of uneasiness between us as we sit across from each other.
Hopefully when we get up from this firepit, that’ll be dust in the wind.
Nikolai throws an ankle over his other leg, leaning back. While his body portrays a look of relaxation, there’s tension in the corners of his eyes. He takes stock of everyone. “Everyone’s stomach full? Bathroom breaks done for a while?” He tries to lighten the mood and earns a couple grins. “Good. So far, it’s just felt like a little vacation out here, with less sex obviously.” Walker grimaces, earning a remorseful look from Nikolai. “But we didn’t come out here to relax. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not happy with the way things are between us. I don’t think any of us are. Right?”
The three of us nod.
“Alright then. No more secrets, no more hidden grudges, no more burying the problem until it explodes. Clean slate starts now, okay?” Nikolai scans the circle. “Anyone have anything they want to get off their chest to start?”
The whisper of the breeze is the only sound. Walker picks at the label of his beer bottle, Hayden traces the ink of the tattoo on the back of his hand, and Nikolai watches me.
Am I supposed to be the one to start this shit? I’m self-aware enough to know that I don’t have the most tact.
