“Do you want to talk things through? Work our shit out?”
“Do you?” he challenges.
“Yes.” Even after earlier, even after Nikolai’s release party, even after everything. “That’s why I came here.Because I’m sick of holding in all this animosity for people who don’t deserve it.”
His lips purse, a tattooed hand running over his jaw. “Well then, I’ll start. Like I said, I’m sorry for earlier. It was shitty of me. I stirred the pot for no reason other than to cause shit for you and Walker and it wasn’t cool.”
“It wasn’t.”
“And I already talked to Nikolai and apologized to him too.” He cringes. “And I’m going to have to tell Jane I blasted her shit to her brother.”
Amusement pulls the corner of my mouth up. “She’s gonna rip you a new one.”
His shoulders curve. “I fucking know.” He picks his spoon back up but doesn’t make a move to eat. Instead he just pushes the soggy cereal around the bowl. We both watch it, happy to have a distraction as the discomfort of getting in touch with the things we need to deal with comes to the surface.
“I accept your apology. If Nikolai’s okay, then I’ll put it in the past.”
He bobs his head. “Cool.”
“Walker on the other hand.” My head falls back. I blow out a deep breath of dread. “That’s gonna be a different story.” It’s not his decision who I or his sister sleep with, but he just got over the fact that Nikolai and Jane snuck around behind his back. To find out I did too, even to a much lesser extent, isn’t going to be an easy pill for him to swallow.
“He’ll be fine,” Hayden says. “He was already cooling off about it before he went to bed. He’s just gotta get over the shock of it.”
Well, at least one of us is optimistic about that. “I’ll try talking to him in the morning.” It still sits wrong with me that he implied that Nikolai and I used Jane, but I’m used tosaying stuff in the heat of the moment to hurt people. I’ll try to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“In the spirit of apologies,” I start and Hayden straightens in surprise. Bastard didn’t think I was capable of it.
Fair enough.
“I was a dick after we came back from the break. Yes, maybe I thought you were the weak link, but I never actually believed it. I was projecting my own shit on you and…you weren’t the only one who struggled over the break.”
I tell him exactly what I told Walker. About my mom, my childhood, and I even tell him about going to see my dad. After talking to Penny about it, it feels slightly less painful. Still hurts like hell and makes my fist clench beneath the table, but it’s bearable to have in the forefront of my mind for long enough to share. I explain why I did what I did to Scar.
He listens intently. Never once does he interrupt or try to still say that it’s not an excuse for my behavior. And it’s not, so I wouldn’t blame him if he did.
But instead, just like Walker, he bleeds for me. Bearing hurt that isn’t his. Just because he loves me.
“I was never angry with you for needing a break after what you experienced,” I say around the lump in my throat. “I was just scared. The family that I thought I had created felt like it was falling apart. When you didn’t answer my calls, I didn’t think about the fact that you were doing your best just by getting out of bed each day. I just thought about another person I loved leaving me.”
“Reid…” His voice is scratchy, thick with emotion. “I’m so sorry. I had no fucking idea. I mean, I knew your situation couldn’t have been great to end up at our school sophomore year with a foster family, but I didn’t…”
“There was no way for you guys to know. I didn’t want to talk about it. You, Walker, Nikolai…you were all a safe space for me. A distraction from my reality at home.”
When you shut people down enough times for asking the same thing, they eventually stop. And that’s exactly what the three of them did. And I’m grateful that they never pushed me for more when I wasn’t willing to share.
“Like I said, I’m not trying to make excuses or tell you just for sympathy, but if we’re trying to have everything out in the open, that’s my side of it.”
He pushes his bowl away so he can lean on his elbows. “Thank you for telling me. I wish you would’ve told me sooner. Maybe we could’ve avoided a lot of this.” He chuckles half-heartedly. “But better late than never.”
I blow out a breath. “Well, it is what it is. But yeah, I’m sorry.”
“You know, I think that might be the first time you’ve ever said those words to me in all the years we’ve been friends.”
“Don’t get used to it.”
He smiles unabashedly, and it hits me for the first time how that haunted quality he used to carry with him after the shooting has dissipated. And I think I know who is to thank for that. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Good.”
