“Whatever. Yes, fine, I’m a little jealous but only because I know you spent so many years with her and how much you loved her and she loved you. How do I know she isn’t still holding a torch for you in hopes that now that you’re in a better place in your life, you’ll want to make it work with her?”
“Would it help you if I told you that she’s pregnant, and very happily married to her new husband?”
Lennon’s shoulders fall, and she looks down toward her sock-covered feet. “Well, now I feel like a bitch for assuming the worst.”
I chuckle and lean on my elbows. “It’s a fair train of thought. If our roles were reversed, I probably would’ve wondered the same.”
The water starts to boil and she dumps in the box of pasta. I’d offer to help, but every time I try to help her with something in the kitchen, it ends with me ruining something and Lennon shooing me out of the way.
After a few moments of silence, she asks, “Do you want kids?” Her question seems to come out of nowhere, but obviously Elle’s pregnancy has stirred it up. Her back is turned to me while she stirs the noodles around, but I can feel her curiosity wafting toward me.
I exhale and stare down at my hands. “Uh, honestly, I don’t know.” I pick at a callous to distract myself. “I guess I thought I always would, just because that’s what is naturally expected of people. Especially once I got married, I definitely started to feel the pressure of it. And then once I hit thirty, even more so.”
Lennon turns around and listens intently.
“But when it came down to it, I just couldn’t see it with Elle. And after the incident and everything I went through the last few years, kids became a non-factor for me. I haven’t really thought about it much since then.”
“That’s fair enough.” Lennon nods.
“But I guess if I’m thinking about it right now, yeah, I think maybe I’d like one.” Now that I have a steady schedule and aren’t on the road for half the year, it seems more plausible. “Do you want kids?” I ask.
She fiddles with the tail of her braid. “Yeah, I think I’d like to. I always pictured myself as a wife and mother growing up.”
“You want to get married?”
“Well not right now,” she laughs. “But eventually yes, I see myself getting married and building a family.”
The big milestones that I already hit or had the opportunity to check off and decided against.
“Are you open to getting married again?” Hesitation mars her tone, almost as if she’s afraid of the answer I could potentially give.
I crack my knuckles. “I’d be open to it. It’s not something that I see myself chasing, though. If it happens again, it happens. If not, then I’m fine with that.”
She chews over my answer, and I know what she really wants to ask. She wants to know if I can see it potentially happening with her.
And the answer scares the shit out of me because yes, I could see that. I could see marriage with her. I could see her moving into this apartment with me or us buying a home together. I could see her going with me to meet my old friends back in New York and hanging out with Seb and Sierra.
But what I’m terrified of is wasting her time and youth like I did to Elle. Lennon is still so young. I’ve lived twelve more years of life than her. What if?—
“I see you getting in your head,” she interrupts my racing thoughts. “Talk to me about it.”
Sometimes I miss the days when I was able to keep such a close lock on the thoughts that run across my face. “I’m just worried that I’m taking away part of your youth or something.”
“My youth?” Lennon snorts. “I’m twenty-one, not twelve. I’m graduating college in just two months and am doing it debt-free because I’ve worked my ass off the entire way. I’ve done the partying thing, I’ve done the hook-ups, I’ve done the stereotypical college experience. You’re not taking anything away from me.”
I ignore the hook-ups comment because the thought of anyone else’s hands on Lennon is enough to make me borderline feral.
“I know, but?—”
“Are we a couple?”
Her question startles me. “What do you mean?”
“Are we going to try to make this work? Despite everything that is going to come our way once we make it public and whatever fallout there might be after the fact, do you want to be with me? Do you want to try to make this work?”
“Well, yeah, of course I do.”
“Then we’ll figure it out.” She rounds the island and steps between my legs. Her arms drape around my shoulders, and I loop mine around her waist, pulling her closer. We’re almost at eye-level like this, and I love it. “That’s what couples do. We make decisions together, and we talk it out. What I don’t want you to do is get in your head about something and end up making a decision on my behalf because it’s what you think is what’s best for me.Iknow what’s best for me. And from what you’ve told me about the end of your relationship with Elle, you made a lot of decisions based on what you thought was best for her and that was final. I don’t want you to do that with me.”
