I’m still scared, though.
And at this point, I’m not even sure what I’m scared of.
How much our lives are going to change?
Losing the woman I love?
Becoming a father?
“I see the wheels turning,” Coach says with a faint smile. “What are you thinking?”
“That I’m scared.” I hate saying those words, but they’re true.”
“Of course you are. Becoming a parent is terrifying. Try doing it with a woman you’re not in a relationship with.” Coach Teller is married to a man, and they’d had a child with his husband’s ex-wife. It sounds a little incestuous but it’s really not. They have a great co-parenting arrangement and his son’s mother, Emilie, brings her husband and the kids—she has more than just Coach’s son—to games all the time.
“Maybe it was a little easier,” I say carefully. “Not about becoming a parent but doing it with a woman you weren’t in love with. Like, I’m sure you didn’t want her to die or anything, but I don’t know what I’ll do if something happens to Lexi.”
“Lexi could get hit by a car,” Coach says quietly. “Or her cancer can come back.” He holds up a hand when I start to protest. “No, it’s no different than the chances of a pregnancy killing her. You can’t think about the maybes, the one-in-a-million chances. Don’t go there. Sure, we all harbor a little worry about stuff like that, but you can’t let it consume you and you definitely can’t let it impact your relationship with her. If you didn’t want a strong, independent woman, why did you marry one?”
I swallow and look away.
I know he’s right.
So why is it so hard to reconcile my head and my heart?
“Hey, you wanna go play some golf?” Anton comes around the corner, interrupting us. “Oh, sorry. I’ll give you a minute.”
“Nah. We’re done here.” Coach claps me on the shoulder. “Think about it, Zaan. See you later.”
“What was that about?” Anton asks as we head into the dressing room.
“Lexi and I had a fight about last night, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Sasha said they’re completely revamping the set to make it easier for her, less strenuous and?—”
“Yeah, I know.” I stare off at nothing. “I just can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen. It scares me.” I don’t care about showing vulnerability to Anton. He’s one of my closest friends.
“No shit. I was terrified when Sasha told me she was pregnant with Phoenix. But we got through it. And by the way, we were broken up when she found out. So believe me, I’m familiar with the fear and uncertainty.”
“Let’s go golfing,” I mutter. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“How did you guys leave things?”
“I walked out.”
He grimaces. “Really? On your hormonal, pregnant wife?”
“She asked me not to yell at her, so I left before I raised my voice. I thought that was pretty reasonable.”
He arches his brows. “Dude. There’s no such thing as reasonable when they’re pregnant.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that?”
“Maybe because it’s true?”
“So I don’t get to have feelings about things? I don’t get a say in anything? I just say yes to everything no matter what I want?”
“Nooo.” He draws out the word carefully. “But you pick your battles. Lexi already said she wouldn’t stage dive again. What more do you want? She knows she made a mistake, but she was pretty shaken up, so she’s not going to do anything like that again.”
