I don’t even know where to begin.
“Ariel cried a lot too,” Tyler says. “I don’t know if that helps, but it’s pretty normal to feel like this.”
I shake my head. “No. This is about…Zaan.”
He grimaces. “He was mad about last night, huh?”
“He’s mad about everything. He wants me to quit.” I burst into tears all over again and it’s another five minutes until I’m in control enough to talk.
“Start from the beginning,” Ariel says. “I feel like I’m not sure what’s going on.”
“Zaan has been uncomfortable about me going on tour.” I’m still sniffling, but sipping the water Tyler brought me helps. “He’s nervous about me being away from doctors and family and him.”
“Of course, he is,” Tyler says. “He loves you. This is a miracle pregnancy. He’s going to worry.”
“I’m an adult and I have a career!” I snap. Then I close my eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound snippy. But why do people feel the need to remind me I’m pregnant as if I’m not already aware?”
“I apologize.” Tyler looks chagrined. “But we care about you. And no one more than your husband.”
“You didn’t quit,” I say to Ariel.
She shakes her head. “No, but our pregnancy was planned, and we were lucky. Biology and the fertility gods cooperated. I got pregnant toward the end of my last tour. Then I was able to take time off to work on new music while I was pregnant. I took time off to be with her but we’re going on tour with Tyler. It’s no different than when I go on tour, and he comes with me. But Zaan can’t do that full-time. You guys are working with totally different dynamics.”
“I know. And I’m scared. Scared of losing myself and scared of losing him.” There. I said it out loud.
“You’re not going to lose him,” Ariel says, shaking her head. “He worships you. There’s no universe where he leaves you.”
“He walked out this morning without even saying goodbye,” I whisper.
“You had a fight,” Tyler says. “He was probably trying to leave before he said something he couldn’t take back.”
Bingo.
Deep down, I know that, but it still hurts.
“I don’t know what to do. He wants me to take a year off. He wants me to stay home and be safe. Decorate a nursery. Prepare for the baby.” I shudder a little.
“What do you want?” Ariel asks.
“I want to go on tour. I’ll be more careful, definitely no stage diving or acrobatics. I’ll sit more, sleep more, eat right… I can afford a nutritionist, a chef, whatever I need to be healthy. But I can’t just stay home for a year or more. I can’t.”
“Tell him that.”
“I tried, but he was mad.”
“He was scared because I’m sure he saw the videos of you getting dropped on your head,” Tyler points out. “Have you seen the videos? They’re terrifying.”
I’d purposely avoided looking, but he pulls one up and shows me.
I groan.
It does look bad.
I’m incredibly lucky that I didn’t break something, or worse, end up miscarrying.
“I’m fine, and I know I got lucky, but I’ve already promised I wouldn’t take any more chances like that. We talked about adjusting the set and slowing things down as I get further along in my pregnancy. He’ll be with me for most of it because the off-season is coming, and we all know I’m probably not going to make it until I give birth. What more can I do?”
“You have to talk to him,” Ariel says. “Show him you’re willing to compromise.”
